People with Aspergers: How do you get a girlfriend?

Post Reply New Topic

Well, let me introduce myself and explain my question a little further, My name is Brendan, I am an only child, I just turned 20, I was first diagnosed with Aspergers around age 9, I'm from New York City, I grew up half my life in Washington Heights in Uptown Manhattan and the other half in The Bronx where I live now so you could say I'm from the "hood" lol, I come from a very large and crazy Irish Catholic family lol. Now, when I was younger up until about age 12, I was a very sociable kid had a lot of friends, used to goto the park everyday in my neighborhood and meet new kids everyday, then my parents and family, started noticing I was a bit 'different' with certain things like in school I was only interested in Geography, and I always had to read a world map, which other students thought was 'odd', also went through many phases of obsessions, from dogs, to computers, to just about anything, then at age 13, I just stopped socializing and basically never left my apartment although I did remain contact with about 3 kids who are my best friends today, but my social life from age 13 - 16 was not there, I ended up getting into many fist fights in school, was sent everywhere from boot camps to juvie, I was around really bad kids it was a jail house enviorment and basically I had to fight just so they would leave me alone, so yeah I picked up fighting during that time and fought a lot, sometimes even starting fights. I dropped out of school at age 15, stayed home and did nothing for about 2 years and at age 17, things started to change for me, I went back to High School met great friends and a teacher that turned my life around. Today I have many friends and lead a normal social life, although I still have many issues with things like "joking" and other stuff that people with Aspergers will always face, I can say I have made great strides with socializing, although there is still room to grow. Now onto the question, How do you engage in conversations/relationships with females? This is something I REALLY need to work on, I am still a virgin at 20 and NONE of my friends know this secret and I do NOT intend to tell them, its not something they would look down on, but it would be something they would joke with me about, and it would cause a fight, the only friend I would trust would be my best friends, but there is no reason to tell them. Girls actually tell me that I'm hot and when I was younger other guys in my class used to call me "gay" because I never spoke to girls when they tried to talking to me, they don't understand that its not my fault and I get extremely nervous and its a big turn off. Aspergers made it very complicated to communicate with anyone in the past, nevermind females. But now I have no problems communicating with males, the main thing now is I can't talk to a hot girl that would be interested, I mean I can talk to girls normally, its just when your trying to talk to them as a boyfriend or something. I really would like some tips, because I completely shut down and its embarassing... I never even told my father that I haven't had sex yet... My mother would tell me to wait until I was married, because we're Catholic.. But it is very embarassing and I feel pressured when everyone around me is talking about it, and has girlfriends except me, I feel weird, and knowing that I COULD have a girlfriend even makes it worse, I have had oppurtunites but I just get to nervous... and on top of that, after this year of my vocational school, I have no clue what I will do for a job, 20 is a tough age, and 21 is going to be even harder... My father is NYC Ironworker and he could get me in with no problem and I could even rebuild the new World Trade Center... But I just don't know what to do with my life anymore....I've considered joining the Military(Navy or Marines) to get away from things for a while.... I'm sorry for the long rant guys, just had to get this all out, but what do you think? you can be honest or whatever you want, I'll take any answers I can get.......thanks

Flash, I would seriously consider editing that to be readable. As it is, you've just presented us with the worlds most impenetrable paragraph.

First of all, you need to stop thinking of girls/women as these non-human enigmatic beings.

They are human, just like you. You talk to them, and treat them as you would any human. Try choosing some women you don't find attractive at all and practice having conversations with them.

Second of all, you opened your question by talking about your virginity. Unless you are going to enlist the services of a prostitute, any woman who will have sex with you is going to expect some type of relationship first, whether it be a few hours at a bar or a few days, weeks, or months, so you're going to have to learn some better social skills, which brings us back to what I initially said. Stop thinking of women as something alien.

Flash,

I've had a handful of sexual experiences, and perhaps only two people I would consider having had relationships with. Much like many people here, they didn't last very long. All I can do is relate my experiences and hope it'll shed some light.

This isn't about me, and I'll get to your concern, but I need to establish a little background. I wasn't diagnosed, and I lived my life thinking I was normal, but was making excuses for my odd interests and behavior. I don't think my parents will ever accept my condition. I'll be forty next year, and over the course of my life I managed to pick up social skills, even though all along I felt like I was faking. I would pick up the personality traits of people around me that I thought I could get along with and basically imitate them to the best of my ability.

I didn't date in high school, and even assumed those around me who were dating didn't have sex. Except that one girl in Spanish class who was obviously pregnant. That was the only empirical evidence that anybody was getting physical, and of course I missed all social clues that would have told me different.

I was 19, about to turn 20 in a few days, and was going to enter the army with my best friend. I was best man at his wedding, and I kinda "hooked up" with the maid of honor. I had sex for the first time just days before I joined the army, but I think this was a special case. She told me she loved me just before I left, and even I could see through that one. We had only known each other a few days, and when I shipped off to basic I didn't feel comfortable talking to her again. Later on it became clear she was looking for a husband in the military to take care of her. I don't want you to get the impression that there are a lot of girls out there like this one, but they are out there. So, no special effort on my part except being in the right place at the right time and appearing to be an easy mark for a (certain kind of) woman who wanted to use me.

The army did good things for my physique, and had a great role to play in my further encounters. After that it was mostly a few one night stands when I went with friends to the bar on the weekends. Again, I thought there was nothing wrong with me and always tried to fit in, though I didn't especially like going to loud places. Nothing special here, except that I didn't pursue or approach any of these women, they all picked me up. I don't know if this is your kind of thing or if you're looking for a relationship, but I always felt guilty/uncomfortable afterward and wondered why I did it except it was what the other guys did.

With my two relationships, one lasted about two months, the other about three. I cared for them, for their well-being, I wanted them to be happy around me but I just didn't know how to make that happen. The relationships just fizzled out and I lost touch with them.

I haven't dated for a long time, but I just met my first confirmed Aspie and we talked and I felt really connected on a level I've never experienced with anybody else. My talk with her convinced me that I was most likely AS as well, and am looking into getting diagnosed. After this experience I really want to meet more Aspies and see if there is a potential for dating there.

You said you're considering the Navy or Marines. I just saw some DoD guidelines that prohibit entry for people diagnosed with AS, among other things. I can't post a link here until I have a few more posts under my belt, but a google search for "asperger military qualify" should find what you need.

If you haven't been officially diagnosed (or they have no way of finding out), and your social skills are passable, and don't mind following orders that make absolutely no rational sense then you then you might consider it. I had plenty of hard times in my eight years in, but I wouldn't trade the bulk of my military experiences for anything.

I really hope I was of some help. Take it easy.

Drummer

Don't even try getting into a relationship with a woman, they are bad news and are not worth the trouble.

If nothing helps you get a girlfriend, there is one solution to your problem that is foolproof: give up

Welcome Flash. I'm from NYC as well. I don't have much experience with this sort of thing (first time at 22 so I was a virgin at your age.) But I think the key is finding someone you share interests with and feel comfortable talking with. It's a lot easier when the conversation carries itself and you don't feel like you have to move it along. When I was younger I used to try some kind of smooth talk that probably sounded ridiculous. I find it better to just talk normally and casually ask her out. "What are you up to tonight? Wanna grab something to eat?" should suffice. I think the only way to really learn this stuff though is to do it and keep failing at it until you get it right.

Also, for the past few years I've had no idea what to do with my life, and now that I've finally decided I'm still not sure. But I find it more helpful to just do something than to dwell on it. If you think working on the new tower is something you wouldn't mind doing for a little while I'd say go for it. Even if it's not something you want to do long-term, doing one thing can lead you to finding something else you'd like to do. The military requires more of a commitment though.

The most important thing to do at the moment is learn to use paragraphs.

Leave high-test dark chocolate and spa treatments on your porch at night. When they start disappearing you'll know that you have a bite on the line.

Girlfriends/women are in general a nuisance and a big drain on Aspies,both financially and mentally.If you get a girlfriend she will find there is no feminine side to you unlike NT males,so she will not be able to talk about `emotions`,`feelings` and all that soft *****.Concentrate on gaining skills or qualifications that improve your life chances financially.When you have a big car and a big house and a big salary they will want you.

Just work on being the best damn person you can be. I had a chat with my NT friend about this, and agreed with this as an consensus.

When you have lived a bit of life as an adult you might have something to base an opinion on -til then keep playing with your xbox sweetheart.

I didn`t suggest marrying them -just find em,---- em and forget em as the GIs used to say.

I have to agree with Asp-Z on this one. First off, being an aspie doesn't mean you can't relate to a woman. Believe it or not, women, like men, have diverse interests that go beyond puppies and shoes. Second, If someone sees you in a nice car and all of a sudden they're more interested, that's a huge red flag if you're looking for a girlfriend. If you're looking for a one-and-done then it doesn't matter. But the thread is titled "How do you get a girlfriend?"