Harden up people - it is an intolerant world out there.

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I am going to be deeply controversial here and probably really offend people( and lets face it, this post is just my opinion and I am a terrible cynic in the guise of a "realist"), but if I let that hold me back, I would still be living in the dark ages of an emotionally disturbing and fragile existence.

I am increasingly worried about the lack of resilience that young people with an ASD seem to display. I am worried that on the quest to find an autistic utopia where people are tolerant and accepting of our various differences and more and more children are diagnosed appropriately, the pendulum will swing so severely to the other side, that children will not be taught to be resilient. That they will not be taught the skills to not only survive, but to LIVE, and have a good self-esteem. I am not saying that early diagnosis is not a good thing, but are parents given the idea that it is okay to wrap these children up in cotton wool and not expect them to strive or THRIVE because they are accepted "just the way that they are"?

I was bullied and ostracised, feared and ignored. I was weird and eccentric, I was the antithesis of feminine. I was locked up in psychiatric institutions and given enough meds to kill a horse. I was told that I was a closet psychopath just waiting to commit horrendous acts against humanity. I was a monster.

However, I was taught how to get through this world, even if it was totally superficial and terrifying. My parents drilled my humanity in to my skull with the force of a blunt instrument. Cruel? Probably, on some levels, but it gave me resilience and fortitude. My self-esteem was completely in the bin, but I knew how to talk my way out of it. I knew what it was to FIGHT back against oppression and hostility, because deep down, I knew that I cared about fairness, kindness and self preservation even if at times I couldn't show it.

Despite my parents scaring the crap out of me sometimes which probably added to my enduring mental health issues, they, paradoxically, created a fighting spirit in me. They taught me that NOTHING comes for free or without hard work, and that includes precious communication skills that others seem to take for granted. This was way before AS even existed in the lofty and alienating world of neuropsychiatry, and if you were a girl? Forget it. Back then I could not be autistic due to my gender. How things have changed, eh?

I am so glad to have been finally given the correct diagnosis in my 36th year that explains some stunning misconceptions and a gives me some ground-breaking understandings of myself, but that does not mean that I am enjoying it, in fact, my life has been so stressful, exhausting and downright terrifying that I am surprised that I have not made evolutionary leaps so far back, that I have returned to my single-celled origins. Despite the fact that I am a basket case, I have been through much worse and will survive it. I have something to compare my enduring autistic state to, and let me tell you, it isn't as bad as some other stuff I have seen or experienced. At least I know now what I am dealing with.

So, yes, I think early diagnosis is fantastic, but we still need to be taught how to live in a world that is ultimately cruel and demanding. Acceptance of autism may come, but that doesn't stop the bullies at school or the adults that may try to manipulate us. They don't care about acceptance or tolerance. That is just reality.

Finally, if we can't accept and stand up for ourselves, then how can expect other people to? And for those of us that are capable of doing this, should we also not stand up for those with autism, who do not have the capability to do so? Instead of trying to get the general population to accept us, lets work on better resources for people who cannot fend for themselves and get teenagers with extended needs out of old-aged homes into places that can provide them with the care and support that they need, that is also age appropriate. Lets concentrate on better mental health facilities so that when we are crippled with depression or anxiety or some such thing, we can get the help we ultimately deserve.

I would like to concentrate less on integration and more on association. It all starts with the self. We are NOT alone for we have each other, AS and NT alike, despite our differences and personalities, and, in spite of the differences, we will survive.

Take care of your precious selves and take care of each other.

Mics

Last edited by Michhsta on 11 Sep 2010, 7:22 pm, edited 1 time in total.

At least I'm not the only one keeping it real.

I am finding more and more that this attitude is not limited to parents who have a child with special needs. A lot of parents I see make their whole lives about their kids and can't imagine Little Jimmy or Little Sally could ever do anything wrong because they are perfect angels. More and more I see kids with this disgusting sense of entitlement that don't feel like they have to pay attention and work hard in school because mummy and daddy think they are just perfect. They take sides against the teacher and principal when their child doesn't make the team or the lead in the play or get a perfect score on a test. Discipline becomes increasingly difficult. As a future educator, I envision a career filled with arguing parents and spoiled children.

It's a scary intolerant world out there for sure. And these kids are going to have a serious wake up call. There's a huge difference between coddling and accommodating, and, you're right, the pendulum has swung too far.

Cheers, Werecrcodile

Mics

The sense of entitlement stinks, and the future America, hell the future Western world, will be a place intolerant of differences. You have a disability, fine, we'll hire somebody "normal" because there are 500 jobless for every job opening. You can't work, fine, die, other people need those resources after all. There will be no welfare in the future, and few jobs.

Make your own job, grow your own food, or starve. And nobody cares if a few autistics starve, not with tens of millions of old people who need those resources too, and who have political power. You think you have a "right" to Facebook all day at work, fine, we'll hire somebody more appreciative, and he's not necessarily in America.

I see this in the soldering class I'm taking at a local community college. Most of the youth want to screw around when the prof says it's lab time, and learn to solder in between episodes of goofing off. There were 45 students the first week, and 20 the second. The remainder want to goof off instead of work. The prof, an ancient old buzzard who worked on nuclear power plants in the 70s, took one look at their first attempt at a project and tossed it in the trash.

The only ones in that class who bothered to work were me and the two young women who are getting their tuitions paid by the Federal Aviation Administration! The girls have a reason to work, and me I'm old school, about Mich's age. The rest? Would YOU want to fly in a plane-or a spacecraft-maintained by a bunch of entitled goofballs? I'll take the train first. America will be a poorer place, poor like Argentina, because multiple generations believed that the world gives them golden eggs. Soon, there will be no eggs, and nobody willing to work.

Spyral, just wrote a post on my blog recently The Demon Run touching on the topic "sense of entitlement". I am waging this war in raising my own boy who is now 15. I, as his mother, fight against a tide of societal apathy that does threaten to overwhelm me at times(I feel like I am up against an army of his peers, social networking sites and other such palaver), but to not teach my son the "right stuff" will be to damn him to a life of failure and void of personal achievement through hard work. It is very hard. He may hate me at times, but he does respect me and he knows that he is SAFE.

Thanks for your post. I liked hearing your thoughts.

I think you will make a great teacher. Good luck.

Mics

Pezar, you hit some nails on the head with your post. Thank you for your thoughts. And yes, I will fly in a plane that was maintained by you. Thank goodness perfection still exists.

Mics

And Ive fought against the world my whole life so far, and I agree with most of what has been said so far. The whole nature vs Nurture argument is partially to blame, as well as the lack of REAL punishments for the youth. Maybe they should get treated like adults, and have to work from day one and s**t, just to drill it into their f*****g skulls that life isnt free.

Hell, even with my AS, I still had to learn to compensate for the real world, and I knowI have become a cruel, black-hearted manipulative bastard because of it all.

and I do hold the belief as to why the world is in such a horrible state is because human beings cant keep it in their f*****g pants.The human population is WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYY tooo high IMO.

I keep it real, as well. I like to face the world, head on and show people, that I'm in charge of my own destiny.

I agree, it's this kind of attitude that makes me feel like I'm "doing it wrong" when I come here. I'm having trouble with social skills, but I desperately want to fight those troubles. I like being AS, but I'm sick and tired of feeling like I don't belong on this planet. As long as I'm stuck here, I'd like to feel better about it. While I disapprove of "following the crowd", I want to be able to communicate like everyone else. I want to not feel behind when others "get" things quicker than me and go ahead.

Which is why I'm not settling with what I have. Then again, being on the football team for 5 years, you have all this "DISCIPLINE!" stuff drilled into your head. While that in itself has had it's own problems (made me targeted by others on the team; welcome physical bullying all over again) there were a few very helpful concepts I learned about work ethic and discipline there. To not settle for less, that kind of stuff.

On the topic of early diagnosis... while I direct this more towards new parents that just now have autistic children: If they have an early diagnosis, take advantage of it. Take advantage of the fact that they can start early and work towards everything, improve, and catch up to everyone else, being able to contend on an even playing field. Don't worry, you're still autistic, so if you like that part about yourself, it won't go away. Besides, you are YOU, and that won't change anyways.

This video explains what I'm talking about - as the video description says:

Early Diagnosis -> Early Intervention -> Success, as an Autistic/Aspie in a NT world.

Good post.

Resilience comes with age. Not automatically in many cases. It has to be learned.

My own growing years were much like yours, and much like a lot of others here. I, like many others here, used to be very negative and very fatalistic. And I didn't even know I was on the spectrum. I can imagine growing up knowing could easily lend itself to using Autism as a crutch. A reason to withdraw and hide from the world.

That is a mistake that amounts to voluntarily excluding oneself from many good things that can come from getting out there and doing you're best.

And what are young individuals with AS being taught these days when they find out they have a AS dx? I'm so far out of that loop that I really have no idea what they are being told.

Amazing post. These words needed to be said.

It does suck that you got the crappy end of the deal in that you had do endure far, far more than most people ever will have. This has made you a stronger and more resilient person though, something we dont see enough of in the ASD population today.

I got diagnosed when AS was first entered into the DSM (1994). As a result, there was very little information at the time of what AS was and thus no one knew how to support me. 16 years later, these symptoms have faded to the degree that many professionals I've talked to believe that I would not qualify for this diagnosis anymore. Why? Because I lived in the real world and sucked it up, and because I had no choice. I am so sick of parents and professionals who believe that they have to keep their children under wraps, or feel that they have no future and there is nothing they can do for them. They need to realize that this attitude reflects upon their children, who in turn will see themselves as helpless, stuck, and incapable of growing as individuals.

I used to mentor this girl on the spectrum during her teens, she is now 20. I stopped doing so because of the defeatist and pessimistic attitudes of her parents. She was treated as this eternal child of sorts...she officially graduated high school on time at 18 with the regular curriculum, but her parents chose to keep her until 21, a practice usually reserved in this province for teens with developmental disabilities who use the life skills curriculum. This girl was also discouraged from doing nearly everything she wanted to by her parents. For example, when she turned 16, she wanted to learn how to drive. Her dad told me (referring to her by the third person) - Carly will not be driving. she will think about her cartoon shows and spin off the road. Her sister, however, will be driving as soon as she reaches 16 -. Who the hell do they think they are to dismiss her goals like that? sure, she may not be able to drive on her own for a while, but at least get her her learners license and let her drive in parking lots to make her feel like she has accomplished SOMETHING.

Sorry for the rant, this is an issue that hits hard with me, and frankly, I am sick of people who do this to their children. This is the 2000s, not the 1960s. People have choices and decisions. Let them make their own.

it does suck when parents don't let their child try and do stuff.
How do you expect to get anywhere if you don't have a go at it?

Its a good concept. I get out every day and do thingskike evryone else. Just remember that those on the spectrum do have certain "special needs", and must have their cocoon of safety, a place to go wher they can recharge themselves mentally and physically. I guess that living in Canada, I have a less negative view abou the situation of those with AS. We have a more tolerant view, and more importantly, our "social welfare state' allocates more resources to those with problems. It is definetly NOT a case of "starve to death if you cannot work". It sounds like it is easier to live here with a mental disability than in the (United) states. It is probably the differences between the two health care systems. Here, everybody gets healthcare, including mental health care, and I am grateful for that.

It's a hard knock life, and I'm willing to take the blows from mainstream people, while being myself at the same time.