Disappointed in myself...

Post Reply New Topic

Although I was raised in a highly dysfunctional family, I was taught education and a good job were important. As for the rest, the children were mentioned last.

I am now in my late 20's and very very upset with myself. Everytime I had the opportunity to work I complained. Everytime someone was willing to help out and get me help in my financial woes I brushed it off like I could deal with it myself. Now I look back and think to myself WTF was I thinking!?! Not only that but I am still a child at inside. I try very hard to study both online and off but I can't focus or think too strongly about what's important. I feel so angry at myself there are times when I've contiplated suicided in an easier fashion. I thought with age you grew but it doesn't apparently work with me.

Don't know what else to say except I blame myself. I now can't deal with anyone anymore. All I want to do is murder myself. FYI I knew I was this way from the start.

we know exactly where "you're at" right now. I reinvented myself more than a few times over the years before I even know the name of my "disability". I knew i wasn't like anyone else from when i hit puberty (when the real s**t hit the fan for me).I managed as a "functional" alcoholic for a few decades, so i'm no stranger to misery. I went back to school and got a nursing degree when i was about 35, and my biz partner's girlfriend is going back to school this fall, so there is always hope. you are still breathing, and that's a better option than not breathing.

I know the feeling. I feel that way about myself many times. I should be so much more by this age but I feel like I haven't advanced much past the age of a 20 year old.

Have you ever tried state services to see if you can get help finding employment?

Please don't hurt yourself Alice. You're a wonderful person. I know life is s**t for people like us, but we have to survive. *hugs*

Yeah, me too, except for the suicide contemplation. Suicide seems too permanent for me. Hope you're not seriously considering it.


I believe the way to go is to focus on improving one area or one thing at a time. Keep that as your emphasis even when you have to stop and deal with life, and give yourself scheduled time to work on it. It keeps you from feeling overwhelmed and never finishing what is more important to you.

Thanks guys. I do go into voc rehab zara, but I really didn't get much out of it other than the jobs of having a guy that would drive me to find if they would hire me. I'm very afraid right now, there doesn't seem much available. For months no one has called.

Sluice love your avatar btw. I do find it difficult to focus on one thing at a time. In fact I write down and then I think about the other stuff that piles over it! It's very hard for me to keep the focus on that "one" goal much less one subject. I have such a hard time getting one task or another done. I seem to keep drifting off to something that for some reason or another grabs me....but doesn't make money. It's sooooo hard for me to stop this. I sometimes even punish myself for not doing what I'm suppose to. I even gone as far as writing what I need to do on my hands.

I'm not sure what to say other than I have gone through, and am still going through, feeling much as you describe. I am disappointed in myself, almost every major life decision I have ever taken has proved to be a mistake, so I have lost faith in my own judgement completely.
I hope things get better for you, right now employment is hard for many people so don't be too hard on yourself for having problems with it.

MC - you're the best.

Thanks for always being here on WP.

Lots of weird and beautiful stuff on your youtube channel.

What exactly is it that you want to achieve in life?

I suspect you could trace back those feelings of self-loathing to a family member or two who used to criticise you too much when you were very young. That's where most of these bad feelings come from, I think.

When you think about it, we are who we are because of the way we've been treated. It's easy to imagine you could have done better with this or that problem, but if you really could have done, you would have done - after all, it's only you that suffers when you don't excel. It's also easy to be wise after the event, and to call yourself a bunch of bad names for ducking out of something that doesn't seem scary because it's safely in the past.

Recoiling from offers of help, even when it was potentially useful help, is an autistic thing.....it's often very scary to let others get involved with something we're trying to do. I have a habit of keeping very quiet about anything important I'm trying to do, just to keep people from volunteering their services and advice. I probably lose out because people are supposed to be stronger at solving problems as a team than they are as individuals, and I do try to share some stuff these days, but the brain wiring is very strong and I have little choice but to try to accept myself as a solo player for most things.

As for the jobs market, maybe it's worth trying to let go of the idea that your employment status defines you. As far as I can see, most jobs are a cruel, unequal bargain.....I sometimes feel I've let myself down by having anything to do with conventional working-for-wages. And every person who takes part in competing for jobs is making it worse for everybody else, because of the increased competition and because they're effectively making the whole game look socially acceptable. I've felt anxiety while unemployed, because of the fear of benefit payments being denied, but I've never felt guilty about "not doing my bit for the community" because jobs aren't so much about working for the community, they're about working for some rich man who doesn't care about the workforce doing socially worthy stuff, he's just into maximising his profit.

In these dark times, if you can just survive then that's to your credit. If you can rise above your programming and actually achieve something to be proud of, that's a bonus.

Good question, I'm not sure. I just wish there was something to be proud but I can't think of anything. One of my sisters majored in journaling and has bf, my other sister...well she's not doing good right now but she has 3 beautiful kids. Everyone has their friends and I'm stuck not being able to drive and having to live with my dad who's pain in the ass. It's very hard especially in an area where getting a ride is one of those rare moments like winning the lottery. Since I moved here I don't know anyone in my area and I can't find anyone on this board or any other that's from my area not that it's important. There's just nothing here I can relate to and I feel like I'm trapped in this place. I wish I was independent or smart to enough to make enough money to live on my own. Living here is so expensive and I don't trust myself enough to be completely by myself.

Entrapment is a bit of a b***h. I think it helps to have a game plan in such situations that you can work towards that will enable you to forge a better future and concentrate on working towards that at the expense of not having an ideal life in the present. Easier said then done in a country that doesn't give you any safety nets or a helping hand with getting into work or an education. You hear of people who endure years of hard ship and strife in order to achieve better life for themselves or their children though so it can't be an impossible fiet to achieve.

I guess the first problem is knowing where to look and what to aim for and where to find such an opportunity. And then having the skills and luck in order to take advantage of such a situation, which if your social skills and assertiveness are near 0 you may not even have a chance to really fully latch onto the moment.

I don't really know what there is for people in the mid west or anything outside of western europe in that respect really. I just see the situation across the pond as a pretty horrific barrier to social mobility and plenty of pitfalls that leave people in poverty traps to really see how a person particularly one with a disabiltiy has a chance to succeed in such circumstances.

I suspect that for every story of rags + hard work = riches we hear, there are lots of stories of rags + hard work = rags. The media isn't interested in the stories of failure because those people are not heroes, even though they've worked just as hard as the successful ones. Most economic ventures are a lottery. I don't say that improvement is impossible, just that it doesn't work for most people, because there aren't very many good positions up for grabs, so only the lucky few actually get there. Personally I prefer to try to be content in the here and now, and to pragmatically adjust my environment in small steps to make it more comfortable and fulfilling. I think it's a matter of matching the goal to the challenge it presents to the person - too ambitious and it will only demoralise, too easy and it won't be fulfilling, but somewhere in the middle, where the risks are reasonable and the required effort is smaller than the expected gains, there is nirvana.

Sorry I'm not able to respond to everyone.

Yes Laz it's pretty hard, I don't know what a better life is like but I get sick and tired of these myths that you can be rich or be able to live financially secure if you just work hard at it. I've had so many people in my family work extremely hard. I think the only two that were able to actually own a home a some property were my great grandparents...they were from the swing generation. Healthcare is crazy and I'm already worried about it. I really can't afford a doctor but I know if I keep this up I'll probably be dead sooner than I'd like. I guess as they say life fit for only the fit and insured.

I feel kind of stupid about my first post. I know a big chunk of me has an inferiority complex. It's not easy to be criticized for being in the position I'm in but to also be lectured about my low intellect and not being able to afford college makes me only wish bad luck on those who were in my position. My youngest sister who's one of the brightest tools in the shed is living in a very small studio and having to pay so much rent while trying to stay in college...it's pathetic. My other sister is having to work two jobs for her kids while her husband who's now separated from her has never had to work. I don't want to open too much information but yeah my family has had its share of dysfunctions. As for me, I use to be very suicidal about this stuff...I still think about it but I don't act on it like I use to given the last ordeal which was really painful. This is pathetic and I know it's stupid just to give up but it's so hard for me to feel "motivated" or content. Don't get me wrong, I don't think life is meant for any of that. Hell I could be living in Somalia or Ethiopia having the crapiest time with my life. I just wish I could do something with my life while I'm
alive!! I don't know, maybe I'm letting fear get in the way? I'm still not very great at being interdependent which I learned some time ago while I was homeless...I was never so great at. If I hadn't had my dad, I don't know what I'd be doing. I am greatful with my dad but at the same time very angry. He cheated my mom with his drinking and neglected to tell us he had a son who was trying to contact him from another side of the family. I'm wondering if also I'm letting my past get to me.

Well, if you've seen all that failure around you, you're not going to feel all that confident about starting anything major for "self-advancement." I'd recommend that you just keep looking, and follow any reasonable lead with a robust feasibility study before choosing whether to crack on or move on.

I'd think it was inevitable that your past "gets to you" because it's your experience and it's bound to have shaped your outlook. But it's hopeful that you seem aware of it, and that you've expressed some of it here. I guess you've been given an internal double-bind, on the one hand you've been indoctrinated with a strong work ethic, but the very people who have given you this view have also demonstrated that it doesn't even work for them. So part of you feels obliged to achieve something great, while another part of you expects that you'd be onto a hiding for nothing. But I don't know.....does that cap fit you, do you think?

ToughDiamond you bring up many issues that are hard for me to face sometimes. I did not have a great childhood, I was brought up to think that you either succeeded or failed. The only acception was my mom who has always been a bit "out there". She use to feed into my creative side which was very innate and human for me but also put down when it came to academical achievements. I always wanted to be like those guys who were great philosophers and scientists. I hated being "me" so to speak. Sure there are artists who have made names for themselves but if you read up on most of these people, they came from rich families. I don't look at my interests as productive in society or even deserving of money. It's still hard for me to just do the job or do it like most workers who need a paycheck in their hand would. I'm not sure how to describe it. I have difficulties remembering orders and multi-tasking. Multi-tasking is something I bring so much about but during these hard times as I'm told, you're lucky if you got a damn job. I just wish I knew how to work through these frustrations without chewing my hands out and having to explain to the big honcho why it's hard without looking like a lazy ass. I don't normally cry but it does get to my stomach. It's very tough and I would love to be just at least peace with myself.


I don't agree that rags are to riches, I just wish I could find my "higher power" or motivation to keep me going. I still feel like I'm just functioning in life. I've tried taking my life before and I know what it does to my family. I don't want to have to put them through that and I think it's a coward's way to go. But whToughDiamond you bring up many issues that are hard for me to face sometimes. I did not have a great childhood, I was brought up to think that you either succeeded or failed. The only acception was my mom who has always been a bit "out there". She use to feed into my creative side which was very innate and human for me but also put down when it came to academical achievements. I always wanted to be like those guys who were great philosophers and scientists. I hated being "me" so to speak. Sure there are artists who have made names for themselves but if you read up on most of these people, they came from rich families. I don't look at my interests as productive in society or even deserving of money. It's still hard for me to just do the job or do it like most workers who need a paycheck in their hand would. I'm not sure how to describe it. I have difficulties remembering orders and multi-tasking. Multi-tasking is something I bring so much about but during these hard times as I'm told, you're lucky if you got a damn job. I just wish I knew how to work through these frustrations without chewing my hands out and having to explain to the big honcho why it's hard without looking like a lazy ass. I don't normally cry but it does get to my stomach. It's very tough and I would love to be just at least peace with myself.


I don't agree that rags are to riches, I just wish I could find my "higher power" or motivation to keep me going. I still feel like I'm just functioning in life. I've tried taking my life before and I know what it does to my family. I don't want to have to put them through that and I think it's a coward's way to go. But what do you do? How does one get rid of these fears and deal with it?at do you do? How does one get rid of these fears and deal with it? LOL there are times when I just want to go outside and scream "f**k you, I'll do what I want to!" I'm not very sure who I'm screaming at.

Well yes, I suppose the multi-tasking and remembering are big difficulties with many autistic people. Neither of those things work for me unless I can "make the job my own" and direct the course of my own multi-tasking and have almost nothing to remember except the ideas that I myself have had. But managers often don't seem to understand this, and then it's just other people's crazy stuff that goes in one ear and out of the other.

People will say that it's lucky if you have a job at all these days, and I see the point, but that doesn't make it any easier to do the impossible, and sometimes the strain of having something (and trying desperately to hold onto it while it slips away) is maybe worse than not having it in the first place. In the light of what most people around me seem to tolerate, I'm often appalled how picky I am, but it's the way I am and somehow I think it could be a mistake to mess with it too much.

Even after diagnosis and getting my employer to reckon with my autism, I still find it next to impossible to say no to their expectations.......I have an official start time and an official finish time, and I am given something to do in between, but the workload that gets insinuated onto me can vary wildly, so that without any warning I can find myself having to choose between working late and letting the whole job go to waste. I can see nothing wrong with going to them and telling them that we need to decide upper limits on the workload based on what we can reasonably expect to do in a working day, but I've never done that, and I don't know whether it's because of my own guilt (I'd feel I was coming over as lazy), or whether I correctly sense that what I'm experienceing is the violence inherent in the system (nobody else has dared to complain to the management in that way either, possibly because it's against the "unwritten rules" and ultimately more than their jobs are worth). And you woudn't believe the anxiety that this unresolved conflict causes me - it's way out of proportion to any extra time they actually get our of me.

As for what you do to find motivation in life, I don't think there's any quick solution. From your last sentence, I'd guess that you'd be screaming at yourself, or at your internalisation of the expectations that others used to lay onto you. Paradoxically, I think it could be a step in the right direction that you've figured out you wouldn't know who you were screaming at.....I'm sure a lot of people settle for an easy target - like anybody who slightly resembles the original source of their problem - and then spend the rest of their lives wasting all their aggression on the wrong thing. It seems to bring them relief, but you may have chosen a higher road, which won't be so comfortable, though I think it's a better way in the end.

I'm sorry to know you're going through all this negative stuff....hope you start feeling better soon.