How do you start a conversation?

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Hey all,

My mom can start a conversation with anyone...and talk for hours on the most facinating subjects. I on the other hand have a hard time starting a conversation with anyone whom I do not know well. I can usually jump in after the conversation has started after a few minutes and put in my 2 cents worth. But initiating conversations with ppl I dont know well dry up before the conversation gets started. My mom can start something and before you know it, they are giving out their whole life history. How do NT's do this??? It like a magic spell that I dont have a clue how to do? Any ideas???

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Many persons who are seen as good conversationalists are good listeners.

Even in the world of theater, some of the best actors are the ones who listen to what other actors do on the stage.

Some basic sales courses teach the fundamentals of asking simple questions: Yes and no questions and open end questions such as: Why? What? When? etc.

You can ask your mom how she does it.

She may or may not be able to explain her method.

Good luck.

It depends on the context I find. I usually start with something simple like, 'Hello'. Maybe follow that up with an observation related to whatever context you're in e.g. If you're at a party try something like, 'Who do you know here then?'

Personally I find questions are the key to sustaining conversation. If you keep them coming and actually look like you're listening, sooner or later you will hit something that you are interested in. Just don't open the flood gates once that happens and drown them in knowledge.

I notice that you say your Mom can talk for hours to people about 'Fascinating subjects'. That gives you an advantage over me already, as I find 95% of what everyone else talks about dead boring or poorly thought out. So there is definitely hope you yet.

thanks you 2, I will try these tactics next time.

I can start one, keeping it going is an entirely different story though.

How I start a conversation depends entirely on the context.

With the mail man I usually comment on the weather, as he has to work in every day. Our chats are usually short though, just a few lines, because of course he has work to continue to do...and it's not as if I have anything more to say anyway.

If it's a close friend or family member, I'll usually just comment about whatever is on my mind at the time.

For most people, I'll bring up something which I think we might have some common ground on.

Yes! Why do people want to talk about replacement windows, or how much they saved on their car insurance?

I agree that asking questions is key. I'm a terrible conversationalist, but asking questions is the one tool that keeps me from failing utterly. You just have to make sure it doesn't seem like an interrogation.

Or point out all the obvious faults in whatever they say, I struggle with that. It physically pains me to let a fallacy pass me by.

Last edited by Dappadee on 24 Sep 2010, 2:01 am, edited 1 time in total.

Asking questions is the key, but make the questions mostly about topics. Otherwise it'll feel like an inquisition. I've suggested before memorizing a topic for each letter of the alphabet - works for me, anyway.

I was once in a situation where 3 of us were trying to help a woman who had gone into shock - the walking in circles and not responding stage. I knew she had a cat, and I asked her what kind of cat litter she uses. Bang! She was back on earth with us, and the others picked it up, and we had a rousing conversation about kitty litter.

Of course you don't just start with "How about that flooding in Pakistan?" - like the others said, general stuff like "Who do you know here?"

Here's a freebie hint: if you want to pay someone a compliment, such as "I love your hat" - make sure it's in the following format: "You look great in that hat." Do you see the difference? The hat looks great, or the person looks great.

One thing not to do: don't ever say, "Gee, isn't this an interesting conversation?" because that ends the conversation. I don't know why people say that but they do.

Conversation is like a game, you gotta keep playing it to be good at it. Oh, and be a listener. If you've hit on somebody's favourite thing (however boring), you've struck conversational gold. Say "Really? I didn't know that." and let them talk.

And good luck and have fun.

I really can't start a conversation without seeming rather creepy.
They say that you are meant to make people interested in themselves - as in ask questions - but don't interrogate. Also, hold a relaxed posture, but not too close or far away to the person, look them in the eye (if you can), but not so much that you are peering intently at their face.
Also, if you they tell you something simple at the start of the conversation, e.g. "It's my birthday tomorrow," or something like that, come back to that at the end of your conversation, as a pleasant ending.
Hope that helped - but I'm probably not the best person to ask

I can't, let alone speak with 2 sentences at a time I get very exhausted just trying to say 2 sentences...

I had it plenty of times, Mid sentence, I completely Stop talking, Like the last half gets erased out of my memory & my words gets lost what to say again.

Usually, It takes me a few hours to think of something to say, Then I'll say that 1 sentence only to someone.

It took me 2 weeks to pick of the phone & leave my support worker a 4 sentence voice mail, In the end, she never got my voice mail

Claradoon....thanks for the great ideas...I will try them, I like the memorization of topics via the alphabet and searching for interests. How do you have a conversation about Kitty litter????

Claire-louise... Ya sometime when I talk to ppl I dont know...it comes out creepyish...which thoroughly bothers me.

XshaddowX- have you thought about those key pads which you type out to folks in order to talk to them. Maybe you can email your support person

Dappadee- Mom usually brings the conversation around to aquaponics...which is very facinating to me. And she also has an interest in food security.
My sister has the same problem with cant ignore a fallacy....she goes into twitches practicly if my mom says something incorrect.

Opening lines like the ones pgd suggested work well for openers, but how much farther the conversation goes is highly dependent on who the other person is. If I already know them somewhat, asking things like, "Anything new going on with you?" can get them talking, but that doesn't work well with a total stranger (everything is "new," right? Because I don't know them at all!).

If I'm dealing with a chance encounter with someone I've never met before, lines like that hardly ever get past small talk, which of course, I hate.

I've taken communications, public speaking and other types of training that deal with getting conversations going with complete strangers. One thing that comes up a lot is asking questions of people. Questions about themselves. The idea is to get them talking. According to every training system I've seen, "Everyone likes to talk about themselves."

Really? Well, if that's true, how come every time I start asking questions of people I don't know, after a few questions they start acting like they are really uncomfortable? That's the question I kept asking myself when I tried to apply the training. I never was able to figure it out, until I started learning about the spectrum.

Now I know what the problem is. It's got something to do with either the kinds of questions I'm asking or how I'm asking them, or both. I think people feel I'm getting too personal too soon. The fact that I do occasionally get responses like, "Why do you ask?" quite frequently tells me this is probably what the problem is. I think I'm sending some kind of vibe that's causing them to be uncomfortable, and suspicious of some ulterior motive.

I tried sales for a while, and even though in sales the ulterior motive is very clear and mutually understood (all salesmen want to sell you something), I could still tell there was something more than that going on. I would ask the same kinds of questions the other (successful) salesmen always asked, but they got answers and managed to keep the conversation going. I was never able keep it going. My customers would often just tell me they would have to go home and think things over or talk to their spouses (a sure sign the sale ain't gonna happen), then would come back when I wasn't there, and buy from someone else.

Even in non sales environments, such as in line or the aisles at grocery stores, or maybe someone just sitting on a park bench, obviously just biding time, I can't ever seem to make it work.

I've asked all kinds of people who are really good at this sort of thing, and trying what they do has never worked for me. For a long time I just thought I was being paranoid or thinking too negatively.

I know now that it's not that. It's the way my spectrum thinking and behavior affects how I come across. I have no clue what to do about it yet, because this understanding is fairly new to me.

I have no idea how to start a conversation. I didn't start this one, did I? If I'm attending an event where I will obviously have to converse with people, I pull the classic shy person trick of arriving early and playing Helpful Harry: setting out chairs, passing out drinks, etc.. Having something to do lessens my anxiety and gives me a slight proprietary feeling about the event. Plus those who arrive later assume I have some kind of authority and --it's amazing--start a conversation with me. Problem solved, unless you now look at that keeping the conversation going thing.

It's easier for me to respond than start a conversation; but I do have a mental repository of greetings and comments about the weather. Weather is a very safe topic around here. You just have to be careful not to actually talk about meteorology, because meteorology is NOT a safe topic (too nerdy). "Feels like a storm" is safe; "barometric pressure dropping" is not. Even though they mean the same thing.

It's cool that you posted this now because, on Wednesday, September 24th, there was a letter in the paper under Dear Abby about how to start conversations with people!
First thing Abby suggested, introduce yourself to whoever it is you want to start a conversation with because she wrote it's "friendly" not pushy.
Second, ask them questions about themselves.
Third (and the part I hate) always make eye contact. If you don't they think you are checking out other people in the room and not really care about what they are saying and it's a turn off.

During conversations, Abby suggests you do more listening than talking and ask questions that aren't too intrusive. This makes them feel like you are really interested in them while not making them wonder why you want to know personal stuff.

You just do?

Observe what the other person is wearing, doing, or saying to other people, then ask questions about it?

If you've already met them before, continue the same conversation topic you've exchanged last time.

Look for subtext. If someone is telling you they are tired, they probably want you to ask them about their day so they can tell you what they've been into that made them so tired.

If they are complaining about the weather, ask if their weekend plans have been affected.

Etc...