1st major misunderstanding of the year.

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So my son, (3rd grader, who is 9) comes home today. I ask how his day was. He says not good and pulls out a paper in his folder. It is a redirect paper. (This is something a kid gets when they have misbehaved a lot or had a major meltdown and get sent to another class for a time. Usually about 15 minutes to cool off. The kid fills out what they did and how they should have handled it before they return to class.) His form says he hit another student and lied about it. He wrote that next time he shoudn't hit and lie. I ask him what he was doing hitting someone else (He hasn't hit anyone to solve his problems in years.). After playing 20 questions to get a clear picture the story goes: They were returning to class from specials and going through the cafeteria area. A girl he was in line by gave someone a high five in the cafeteria. She then said as they were walking in the hall that the boy gave a really hard high five. My son then said something like (I am thinking she didn't hear this or he may think he said it aloud and didn't.) "Oh yeah, I bet mine hurts more." and tries to give her a really hard high five. Only he misses and hits her wrist hard as he was trying to be harder than the other kid. She then yells she is telling the teacher, so they both rush to be the first in the classroom. He yells out "she is lying, I didn't hit her." He gets redirect for hitting and lying. I ask him if the teacher or the girl ever knew he was trying to give a high five, but he didn't know for sure.

I call his teacher as it has only been 30 minutes since school let out. She said she did get from him that he was trying to give a five, but that he still had to have redirect because the rules were if you hit another student and lie, you get a redirect. She explained this to him and said the rules needed to be followed. He wasn't yelling, he wasn't out of control. She said the three of them had a conversation about the incident and my son knew he was suppose to make sure he said "high five" or something before he gave one now. She also said she would mention it to his speech teacher as she works on conversational speech and this was something they could talk about there too. I will admit he doesn't seem too upset other than he did say he was embarrassed because he was the first student to get a redirect in the class. I guess he even tried to negotiate with her and offered to do think track his entire recess(walking around in a square) instead of getting a redirect, but she told him he had to follow the rules. I told her I was concerned that him getting into trouble over these misunderstandings was only going to go make him want to lie more because he always felt like the kids told on him last year for every little thing and no matter what, he was in trouble. She has said that she told him that he needed to explain himself and not just say it didn't happen, but in his mind, he wasn't hitting the girl, he was trying to give her a five really hard. So far, this teacher has been our best one yet. She was in special ed until this year. She has been great at finding work arounds for my son in other areas, which I am thankful, but I am pretty annoyed about this redirect. Frankly, I expected her to get how these situations occur since she has a special ed background. We tend to be pretty hard on our kids. They don't skate by on much, but even my more laid back husband who doesn't tend to get bent out of shape as much as me, thought this redirect was unwarranted.

I have to sign his redirect form and return it to class. Since I am a bit annoyed that it says he shouldn't hit and lie, which isn't what happened, I had him write on the bottom of it that he would fix it the next time by making sure he asks the person if he can give the a five before he actually does. I have also recreated the scene with his brother and we did it the way it played out and changed it up to make it go better. I have wrote a note on the comment section of the redirect form about how I really wish redirect would be used for true misbehaviour and not communication misunderstanings. What do you think? Do I keep that in the comment section or do I take it out and consider it over since I have already spoken to her on the phone?

This sounds like a "no tolerance" rule, in which case there would be literally no tolerance and the child would get in trouble no matter what the circumstance-- and I don't think there's anyway to change this. It's rather unfortunate, and I think it does more harm than good when it comes to situations like these.

Most schools have these no tolerance rules and yes, more harmful than good, but that is the rule. Your son's ridiculous circumstance isn't the first 'accident'. FOr my son we just try get him to follow this: "keep your hands to yourself" and those accidents won't happen. DOesn't work, but hey, I can try! (He's my ADHD kid).

Melissa

I like that you wrote a note in the comments. Technically he didn't lie. He didn't hit her, he "high-fived" her, albeit unsuccessfully. I would write that down too. This is not lying, just being a little too specific with the truth, which is to be expected with an Aspie. Very different intent than lying, and should result in a different consequence. We had a very similar situation last year, except he was accused of calling a name and then accused of lying, and it was all a misunderstanding. Can you go to this teacher, in a very diplomatic way, and reaffirm your concerns for any future incidents? It sounds like with the role playing, listening carefully to your son and sticking up for him that you are doing a great job of supporting him! So even if the teacher doesn't listen or the rule can't be changed, I am sure he will have a better chance of handling the situation without getting himself into trouble in future.

These types of things happened daily with my son until he went into a special ed class. Schools are horrible when your child does not act as they say they should. I would love for my son to be in a regular classroom but I know it would be a nightmare with all these rules and how much they are expected to learn and quickly too.

The only thing you can do is explain to him why thay had to write him up and that he is not really in trouble. My son is also 9.

If he had actually hit and lied, I think the consequences would have gone beyond a redirect. The fact is that he ended up hitting the child even though he did not mean to. Our kids do have to learn that sometimes an action plays out differently than intended, and that they have to accept the consequences for what really happened, instead of what they meant to happen. That is real life; it will always be that way. We don't get off from running into another car because we didn't mean to, do we? So, I wouldn't challenge the hitting part.

I would challenge the lying part, however, in that in the literal sense he was telling the truth. That part is where the existance of the missunderstanding needs to be a mitigating factor.