My parents are pure evil. Are they really?

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jametto
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28 Sep 2010, 10:32 am

Hey guys.

Well my parents are a very frustrating bunch, we have brutal arguments that over the last 2 years have gone from 3 times a year to literally 2-3 times a week.
I'm 21 and am not a kid anymore and find them to be extremely irrational.

Ok this will long as I need to cover everything for it to make sense.
I have 2 brothers and 1 sister: brother 19, sister 15, brother 13.

Since 18 I've had this horrible sleeping disorder, I just can't fall asleep my mind races, once I'm asleep I'm fine.

When I was 15 (same age as my sister is now), I was always denied sleepovers (which I desired so so much), my parents would say no every time, well I had a couple on my Birthdays and maybe 3 others from age 10-15. I begged my parents, and told them my friends are allowed to have them all the time, my parents said they didn't care, or said something like "Does every other family have a dirty room" (referring to my bedroom which was always a mess). Whenever I 100% prove them wrong on ANYTHING they'll always twist the subject and say something like that. My 19yr old brother like me, was denied these things.

Now my sister is 15 and has had 2 (overall she's had more in the last year than I ever had in my life). She stays up to 5am every night and when she has friends over it's worse
the noise makes it impossible for me to fall asleep (it's almost already impossible on a normal night), So I cannot have it. (Her bedroom as well as the toilet are sharing walls with my bedroom).

Despite this mum allows her the sleepovers anyway, mum now tells me "It's school holidays, she's allowed to have sleepovers you can't deny her that". Me "You denied them to me" then she has the nerve to say "all her friends have them (which is what I told her when I was 15 and she said I wasn't allowed)". Then she said "times have changed" I then called her an evil cow, and many ruthless things and said "Times haven't changed, my friends had sleepovers just like hers, the only thing that's changed is you're allowing her to have them when you denied me."

Then she said, "you got holidays which they never got. For the record, she was the one who always pushed dad for holidays, I did love them but never desired them, thus never asked/begged on a frequent occasion like I did with sleepovers.

She then said "she tried her best" (as in raising me and my brother), thinking she's raised us well.

" I then said "Do you remember me ever asking for them, begging for them? No, the things I asked for more than anything were always denied by you, I love holidays and will never forget them but at the time that's something I never desired, everything I actually desired you denied me" Which was true the things I desired (I couldn't forget about/appeared in my dreams) I was always denied, I think the only thing I ever truly desired and got was a Nintendo 64 at age 5.

Then dad said "you're a very nasty person", and as always made me leave feeling guilty as mum was crying.
I hated to say it, it was brutal and harsh, but it is the truth. They always seem to make me look like the bad guy when all I'm doing is trying to make them fkn realise how they treat me.

Now my mum may sound like a monster but she's a nice loving person, I don't think she's aware of what she's doing, but I've proven them wrong so many times which has always ended up with them making me feel guilty. They're completely irrational, I remember one argument clearly as I've used it as an example on paper trying to show them why they're wrong.

Dad: "You take my f*****g portable heater down your room and don't put it back on the lounge (I return it most them time and he's only had it for 2 months)"
Me: "You took my f*****g portable heater into the garage every friday night for the past 2yrs and didn't bring it inside let alone return it to my bedroom half the time"
Dad "Yeah well maybe if you cleaned your room I could've". (Despite him still being able to take it out of a dirty room)

My dad is the worst but mums actions hurt me the most.

It's every time, they're more loving than most parents but they treat you like an object, he's bought me a $5000 car, mums never yelled ever in her life but those things seem so insignificant to how they treat me and most importantly how it's affected me, I don't even want them in my life anymore, well I do, I just wish I never grew up and had to realise what kind of people they really are.

They denied me parties, sleepovers, even sleeping over at others homes on some occasions. I was significantly disadvantaged socially because of this, I was behind in everything.
In yr 11, I made some new friends, they asked me my interests if I party and if I drink, I remember saying nervously, "oh oh nah nah nah, that's very bad for you".
i'm surprised they didn't just bail, they were the most popular kids in school, yet they stuck with me and basically taught me life.
I already have some autistic/AS thing (psychiatrist said "Not autistic enough to be diagnosed with autism, but the symptoms are to compelling for it to be anything else.)
So basically due to ignoring my pleading and begging and instead denying me every social event my parents inhibited my social development even further, something I'll never forgive them for and something I'll always resent them for.

Who's in the right here?
My parents are caring, loving, and would die for me but don't seem to actually "care" about my well being whatsoever.
It wasn't them being overprotective, they hated other kids in the house, every time the phone rings my dad says "f*****g hell" he just always wants peace. probably was protecting with the parties but like I told them parents are there along with EVERY OTHER KID MY AGE. And no they're not autistic, but dad seems like a pessimist and mum is always sick/fatigued, and dopey.

HELP ME PLEASE BEFORE MY HEAD BLOWS OFF!

I need to make them aware of what they're doing, I have over and over but I need to back them into a corner where they're forced to realise their errors.



MotherKnowsBest
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28 Sep 2010, 11:07 am

I'm sorry but you sound like an ungrateful, whiney, jealous kid. You're an adult. Grow up. If you don't like how things are in your parents house, stand on your own 2 feet and get a place of your own.



menintights
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28 Sep 2010, 11:07 am

Quote:
I need to make them aware of what they're doing, I have over and over but I need to back them into a corner where they're forced to realise their errors.


Good luck with that.



jametto
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28 Sep 2010, 11:23 am

MotherKnowsBest wrote:
I'm sorry but you sound like an ungrateful, whiney, jealous kid. You're an adult. Grow up. If you don't like how things are in your parents house, stand on your own 2 feet and get a place of your own.


I'm not up for "having a teaspoon of concrete" as you lot say. Dealing with crap because that's how it is, it's only that way because you give into it.. And no I don't accept that Christian mentality (sorry if you're not christian but that post is worded in an almost identical christian manner/I've been told the exact same thing heaps by Christians ALWAYS). I refuse to respect my parents regardless of how they treat me.

I'm up for what's right and rational treatment, because it's their house doesn't mean they can treat me like crap after all I wasn't exactly given a choice to be raised by them, not that's not being ungrateful, take your emotional garbage out of it and you'll see it's fact, I wasn't literally given a choice.

And yes I'm getting a house in the next few weeks which is why I'm trying to sort this out now, I love them but they seem so horrible, all my friends think they're completely off the grid compared to their families and if that's true then I don't want to treat them any better than they deserve to be treated, otherwise they'll never learn.



Last edited by jametto on 28 Sep 2010, 11:37 am, edited 4 times in total.

jametto
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28 Sep 2010, 11:28 am

menintights wrote:
Quote:
I need to make them aware of what they're doing, I have over and over but I need to back them into a corner where they're forced to realise their errors.


Good luck with that.


Lol I know, but I have to try my best.

They're trying to protect their authority by never admitting fault, but if they just treat me second class to everyone else then I'm not going to bother respecting them, hence having no authority, something they need to realise.

My brother who was treated similarly to me showed them no respect, if they denied him sleepovers he'd just tell his friends to come over anyway, and they'd do nothing about it, I valued their BS nonsensical wishes, and look what it got me and look what disrespect got him.



menintights
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28 Sep 2010, 11:42 am

For the record, I do think you sound like a brat. But you're only 21 and you live in the 21st century, so you're excused.



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28 Sep 2010, 11:43 am

MotherKnowsBest wrote:
I'm sorry but you sound like an ungrateful, whiney, jealous kid. You're an adult. Grow up. If you don't like how things are in your parents house, stand on your own 2 feet and get a place of your own.


Sorry I agree with MKB here. Wow how can you not see that?



jametto
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28 Sep 2010, 11:47 am

pumibel wrote:
MotherKnowsBest wrote:
I'm sorry but you sound like an ungrateful, whiney, jealous kid. You're an adult. Grow up. If you don't like how things are in your parents house, stand on your own 2 feet and get a place of your own.


Sorry I agree with MKB here. Wow how can you not see that?


Can you/both of you elaborate at all? I can't fix something that I'm not aware of. And assuming you grew up in a loving family, I'm sure you're incapable of understanding.

It's not being whiney when you have a severe sleeping disorder that your mother thinks is less important than a mere sleepover (which I myself was never entitled to despite identical circumstances).



jametto
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28 Sep 2010, 11:54 am

menintights wrote:
For the record, I do think you sound like a brat. But you're only 21 and you live in the 21st century, so you're excused.


Sigh can anyone explain why besides stating your clear pro family biased opinions.

Stating opinion without reason is extremely brattish/childish



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28 Sep 2010, 11:57 am

Quote:
pumibel wrote:
MotherKnowsBest wrote:
I'm sorry but you sound like an ungrateful, whiney, jealous kid. You're an adult. Grow up. If you don't like how things are in your parents house, stand on your own 2 feet and get a place of your own.


Sorry I agree with MKB here. Wow how can you not see that?


Can you/both of you elaborate at all? I can't fix something that I'm not aware of.


I can't answer for the two other posters however I agree with them. I am 22 so I understand what it is like to be that age. It sounds like your parents would have given you permission to have sleepovers if you kept your room tidy. It's difficult but surely it is a good insentive. I might sound harsh when I say this stuff, but I and someone else I know have had it a LOT worse with physical/emotional abuse, danger and in the other person's case, her parents hate her and don't want to know her. Both of us have been diagnosed with different personality disorders as a result of our fractured childhoods. Getting upset over a sleepover is pointless.


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menintights
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28 Sep 2010, 12:01 pm

As a general rule, don't complain about your parents when you're still living under their roof. If you live in their house and you live off their money, you go by their rules--simple as that. Don't like? Just leave--especially if you're legally an adult and is technically capable of doing whatever you want.

I also have issues with your insistence that your parents should see things your way mostly (mainly?) for your own benefits. I mean, why?

(Oh, btw, I have serious issues with my family and have been considering to cut off my ties with them. My reason's a lot better than yours, though, and has nothing to do with an unhealthy dose of self-righteousness.)



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28 Sep 2010, 12:09 pm

It is really time for some distance. To me, it sounds like you are going through a very normal process of separating yourself emotionally from your parents and establishing your own identity. A lot of kids do this when they are teenagers; since you are still living at home, you are still doing it, or maybe just started late. Either way, it is what all kids do at some point in their lives. Every mistake mom and dad ever made glows in extreme neon, and the things they did right are temporarilly forgotten. The best way to get through this phase, since you are old enough, is to live separate from your parents.

I don't think your parents are evil. I think they made the best decisions they could at the time. I doubt they remember all the whys and where-fors, and they may not remember your requests all those years ago at all. The time for blame is long past and if they're judgement has matured to the point where your sister gets things you wish you had gotten - be glad for her. Your parents are, most certainly, making entirely new mistakes with her. No child gets off scott free from giant parental mistakes.

Your parents cannot go back and fix any mistakes they made, so there really isn't any point in bringing them up. The only thing you accomplish by doing so is pain. In time, you'll see the things they did right more than the things they did wrong, but that won't happen until you've had some distance.

Make your case on the noise issues based entirely on your needs today, and reasoned argument about balancing the needs of everyone who lives in the house. Offer some concessions, and allow your sister to do the same. And, yes, there is no reaon you can't negotiate this sort of thing directly with your sister.


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Last edited by DW_a_mom on 28 Sep 2010, 12:11 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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28 Sep 2010, 12:10 pm

Well take your complaint about your sister having sleep overs and you not be allowed. That reeks of a 10 year old stamping their foot because it's not fair. It may well not be fair, but that's life and if your biggest gripe in life so far is that your sister gets more sleepovers than you did, then you are a very, very lucky person.

When I was a kid I wanted my ears pierced. I must have asked every single day from when I was 7. My parents always said the same "When you're 16". When I turned 16 they let me get them done, although they tried to talk me out of it, even while I was getting them done. When we got home my sisters, aged 11 and 9 said they wanted theirs done too. The very next day my mum took them to get their ears done. I was furious because I'd had to wait until I was 16, why didn't they have to wait to. After a week I got over it.

Stuff like this happens all the time in every family. It's normal. Your parents are normal parents acting like normal parents do. They have thoughts and feeling and likes and dislikes just like everyone else and just like everyone else they can change and what is good one day is not good the next. The way you are reacting is how I would expect a 15 year old to react, not an adult. It's like you are trying to control what they do in their own home. You don't want them to do what they decide or want, you want them to do what you decide. And to put it really bluntly, you're parents are not answerable to you at all.

From what you have said, I think you should thank you lucky stars for the parents you have.



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28 Sep 2010, 12:12 pm

Your parents sound perfectly reasonable. According to you, they did let you have sleepvers, but not when your room was a mess. That is completely reasonable. Now they are done raising you. You are an adult. They must concentrate on raising your younger siblings who are not yet adults. They must do what is best for them. If what is best for them causes you anger, they can't let that interfere with their decisions. Your parents have a right to raise your sister and make decisions for her in whatever way seems the most beneficial to her since she is not yet an adult and you are. If the noise bothers you, you need to soundproof your room by hanging blankets on the wall (a trick I learned when I had partying housemates) or you must find somewhere else to live. They should not be coerced into letting your jealousy affect what they believe are good decisions for your sister.



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28 Sep 2010, 12:59 pm

DW_a_mom wrote:
It is really time for some distance. To me, it sounds like you are going through a very normal process of separating yourself emotionally from your parents and establishing your own identity. A lot of kids do this when they are teenagers; since you are still living at home, you are still doing it, or maybe just started late. Either way, it is what all kids do at some point in their lives. Every mistake mom and dad ever made glows in extreme neon, and the things they did right are temporarilly forgotten. The best way to get through this phase, since you are old enough, is to live separate from your parents.

I don't think your parents are evil. I think they made the best decisions they could at the time. I doubt they remember all the whys and where-fors, and they may not remember your requests all those years ago at all. The time for blame is long past and if they're judgement has matured to the point where your sister gets things you wish you had gotten - be glad for her. Your parents are, most certainly, making entirely new mistakes with her. No child gets off scott free from giant parental mistakes.

Your parents cannot go back and fix any mistakes they made, so there really isn't any point in bringing them up. The only thing you accomplish by doing so is pain. In time, you'll see the things they did right more than the things they did wrong, but that won't happen until you've had some distance.

Make your case on the noise issues based entirely on your needs today, and reasoned argument about balancing the needs of everyone who lives in the house. Offer some concessions, and allow your sister to do the same. And, yes, there is no reaon you can't negotiate this sort of thing directly with your sister.


^^ Very good feedback and advice. It's a lot more well thought out than what I was going to say.



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28 Sep 2010, 1:04 pm

You should move out. I wisn I would have moved out as 21. I would have never gotten depressed.


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