please help.

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Joined: 2 Sep 2010
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03 Oct 2010, 6:33 pm

i can't see the point in living anymore.
when i'm alone i think of all the bad things which happened to me.
namely; repetitive rape from a young age and an ex boyfriend who physically abused me.
i dont even like to address these, but i've had a few drinks and it makes me think.
and i'm alone, and i don't know who else to turn to.
it's easier to talk to strangers than to parents/friends who don't care.
please.

emlion
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03 Oct 2010, 6:47 pm

no one here even cares.

OneStepBeyond
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03 Oct 2010, 6:47 pm

stop drinking! it'll perpetuate whatever mood you're in.
and try to get to sleep if you can, things always seem 100x worse at night when you're left with your own thoughts

emlion
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03 Oct 2010, 6:51 pm

OneStepBeyond wrote:

:(
stop drinking! it'll perpetuate whatever mood you're in.
and try to get to sleep if you can, things always seem 100x worse at night when you're left with your own thoughts

can't sleep. can't ever sleep when i'm alone.

OneStepBeyond
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03 Oct 2010, 7:03 pm

aw i care.
im rubbish at sleeping too, but im alone pretty much most of the time so i cant really use that as an excuse. didnt you have a bf? where's he at?

emlion
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03 Oct 2010, 7:06 pm

OneStepBeyond wrote:

aw i care.
im rubbish at sleeping too, but im alone pretty much most of the time so i cant really use that as an excuse. didnt you have a bf? where's he at?

he's away until tuesday. it's just me all alone in my flat.
usually when they boyf is away the best friend comes and stays with me, but he's away too- same place as my boyf.
I miss Stefan so much; and i've done so much bad things when he's been gone he'll probably leave me when he comes back and i'll have to move out and i have nowhere to go, except to where my "friend" lives- last time i stayed with him i got so many mental scars, and a few phyiscal ones.

primaloath
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03 Oct 2010, 7:07 pm

It's okay.

I strongly believe that coming to terms with past abuse, bit by bit, is better than hiding from it, no matter how cozy or pleasant the hiding place. I say this as I suffered physical and emotional abuse and covert incest, but not rape (though sometimes I wonder whether I had also been raped).

I know how important it was for me to look into my past and relieve myself of the extreme emotional reactions I had to the memories. This did take years and involved lots of trial and error, but I feel I have grown much stronger as a consequence.

Have you tried meditating? It did seem to help me during the times when I practiced.

emlion
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03 Oct 2010, 7:08 pm

primaloath wrote:

all that helps is cutting myself, but i know thats not actually helping.
it's just stupid, but i'm stupid so i can't help it.
drink numbs the pain as well.

samtoo
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03 Oct 2010, 7:09 pm

I can't begin to know how bad some of that must be.
I don't have the energy to think much right now at all, because stuff is difficult and I don't feel well either.

Likewise sleeping is something I am bad at as well.

*HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUG*

Life does seem to be cruel at times and I wish it wasn't, I really do wish we were living in a friendly Utopia.

You have my support emlion.
I don't want to see people in pain - I want to see them happy.
There are many people here who do care. ^^ I am one of them.

_________________
Thousands of candles can be lit from a single candle,
and the life of the candle will not be shortened.
Happiness never decreases by being shared.

OneStepBeyond
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03 Oct 2010, 7:09 pm

emlion wrote:

OneStepBeyond wrote:

aw i care.
im rubbish at sleeping too, but im alone pretty much most of the time so i cant really use that as an excuse. didnt you have a bf? where's he at?

D: what did you do?

emlion
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03 Oct 2010, 7:12 pm

OneStepBeyond wrote:

emlion wrote:

OneStepBeyond wrote:

aw i care.
im rubbish at sleeping too, but im alone pretty much most of the time so i cant really use that as an excuse. didnt you have a bf? where's he at?

D: what did you do?

I got into a few fights. - broke a girls nose, have a black eye.
I self-harmed.. a lot. I mean, my arms...i can barely see unmarked skin. Burns and cuts.
Smashed up some things in the house.

I really don't know why he puts up with me. I'm such a failure.

emlion
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03 Oct 2010, 7:13 pm

samtoo wrote:

I can't begin to know how bad some of that must be.

I don't have the energy to think much right now at all, because stuff is difficult and I don't feel well either.

Likewise sleeping is something I am bad at as well.

*HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUG*

Life does seem to be cruel at times and I wish it wasn't, I really do wish we were living in a friendly Utopia.

You have my support emlion.

I don't want to see people in pain - I want to see them happy.
There are many people here who do care.

^^ I am one of them.

Thank you. *major hugs*
People on this site genuinely seem to listen, more than pretty much every person i've met, bar 1 or 2.
I just need to hold out until Tuesday until they come back.
Then it'll be okay; i just need him to hold me.
He can keep me safe.

OneStepBeyond
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03 Oct 2010, 7:17 pm

emlion wrote:

I really don't know why he puts up with me. I'm such a failure.

dont be daft, you're probably fab and he knows it. cant you just ring him for a chat?

youll be fine, not long 'til tuesday now...

emlion
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03 Oct 2010, 7:19 pm

OneStepBeyond wrote:

emlion wrote:

I really don't know why he puts up with me. I'm such a failure.

dont be daft, you're probably fab and he knows it. cant you just ring him for a chat?

youll be fine, not long 'til tuesday now...

it's 1.20am. He has to be up for 7am for his work.

I could call him, but he'd be angry.
I don't know. I really want to talk to him.
Even if he's angry i'd still want to talk to him.
I will call him.

OneStepBeyond
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03 Oct 2010, 7:20 pm

emlion wrote:

OneStepBeyond wrote:

emlion wrote:

I really don't know why he puts up with me. I'm such a failure.

dont be daft, you're probably fab and he knows it. cant you just ring him for a chat?

youll be fine, not long 'til tuesday now...

it's 1.20am. He has to be up for 7am for his work.

I could call him, but he'd be angry.
I don't know. I really want to talk to him.
Even if he's angry i'd still want to talk to him.
I will call him.

haha, go for it

emlion
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03 Oct 2010, 7:22 pm

OneStepBeyond wrote:

emlion wrote:

OneStepBeyond wrote:

emlion wrote:

I really don't know why he puts up with me. I'm such a failure.

dont be daft, you're probably fab and he knows it. cant you just ring him for a chat?

youll be fine, not long 'til tuesday now...

it's 1.20am. He has to be up for 7am for his work.

I could call him, but he'd be angry.
I don't know. I really want to talk to him.
Even if he's angry i'd still want to talk to him.
I will call him.

haha, go for it

Every time he phoned me (which is everyday) i lied and told him i was fine so he wouldn't worry.
when he sees how bad i am, he's going to flip out.
i'm a wreck, a needy useless wreck.

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