I'm gay and can't seem to meet any decent guys

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Hi
I have aspergers and recently turned 23 and came out about my sexuality at the start of the year, since then i've been trying to get to know some other gay guys around my age, to make some new friends and hopefully find a boyfriend. I've been mainly using online dating because other than gay bars/nightclubs that's my only option and I have had a look for other ways i could meet guys (i.e. social groups) but nothing exists that is for guys in my age group. Unfortunately, the online dating isn't much of an option either. I've had a look at pretty much every gay dating site there is and basically the vast majority of guys are only looking for casual sex, so far i've only had decent chats with 2 other guys in my area. I've met with one of these guys but he ended up spending a fair bit of time complaining about his ex-boyfriend cheating on him so i wasn't interested in taking things further and he didn't seem the type of guy i was looking for anyway. The other guy i've only just started chatting with so we haven't met yet. I live in a normal city with almost a million people that has a tolerant attitude towards gays so i just think surely there must be more gay guys out there after more than just sex. ironically in the city next door an hour to an hour and a half away (not much bigger in population), there are plenty of decent guys online and i've been able to chat with quite a few of those guys so I don't think I'm going about the whole online dating thing the wrong way and i don't think its a case of being on the wrong websites. But, it is a very hard situation to have to go through, I want to meet a guy who's nice, fairly attractive and fairly intelligent because, without wanting to sound arrogant, I believe I fit this description perfectly well myself. And i also act like a normal guy so I'm not into those gay guys who dress or act girly. Of the very few guys in my area that are looking at dating, a lot of them aren't even remotely attractive.

I know i'm only 23 and i've still got plenty of time to date guys, but i find myself comparing the fact that most people have lost their virginity by my age and have probably had a bit of experience with dating etc. and I get worried about how much longer i'm going have to wait to find my first boyfriend with all these very promicuous gay guys out there and I really don't think I like the idea of losing my virginity to a one night stand. I'm not going to say I'd wait ages into a relationship before i'd have sex but I'd want to at least get to know the guy and ensure I felt comfortable before having any fun in bed with him.
But again I feel hopeless about this because i don't know whether there's too many other gay guys out there who share this sort of attitude towards sex.

anyway sorry about the long post and I know it may have been a bit negative but this is what i've had to go through and if anyone can offer any kind of advice on how to cope with all of this it'd be much appreciated thanks.

You should hang around with me. I can pick any guy out of a crowd and he'd be gay.

hey - see my post in the adult site about me and my bf. My bf has aspergers and has been cheating and I am an NT.
If you are in London we could be friends? If not we could still keep in touch.

Be careful. You are lucky to have your virginity and seriously choose wisely who you want to be with. There are lots and lots of gay guys who just want casual sex so u need to find a good man.

Be nice to hear from u

x

My mate seems to have a similar problem. He tends to meet younger men on the scene that just want a bit of casual fun wheras he is looking for something more substantial. It's either that or they are bi / bi-curious and mess him about over what they want. This must be very frustrating

The good news is that you are in a fair sized, gay friendly city.

My own experience is almost a textbook case. I moved to Vancouver (a fair sized, gay friendly city) after university, and spent the first few months living in the ghetto, going to the bars, working in a gay-oriented professional practice. It was gay, gay, gay, all the time.

I got gayed-out pretty quick and decided I had to be around some straight people for a while, so I joined a local theatre group (don't argue with my logic!) And sure enough, I met someone, and we will have our twentieth anniversary next month.

So a few cliché pointers:

1) Stop "looking." If you are focussing your energy on finding a boyfriend, you may be missing out on a lot of other stuff. Having a boyfriend is important, but not to the exclusion of everything else in your life.

2) Don't focus on the gay community. If what you want is a boyfriend who is not into the "scene", then the last place to look for him is in that scene. It is a huge challenge for a lot of Aspies to simply meet people, but try to get involved in groups that align with your interests. (Drop-in or league sports, community centre classes, etc.) Don't focus on gay groups, focus on your interests.

3) Make friends first. You need friends more than you need a boyfriend, and friends are gateway to finding a boyfriend. After all, your friends have friends, and once your friends have an idea what kind of man you are interested in, they may be able to add two and two faster than you can. One of my closest friends predicted that my partner and I would get together. I don't know if she had a hand in it, but she certainly saw the possibility.

4) It's not all about sex. Casual sex is not what you are looking for, and that's good. But clearly sex is an important part of what you want in a relationship. From my perspective, the relationship is way more important than the sex. Don't get hung up on it. Attractiveness should be, I suggest, way down on your list of priorities.

5) Don't listen to other people's advice This includes me. It's your life, you know best how to live it. (One exception to this rule--obtain and follow reliable advice concerning safe sex.)

Well, I do live in a fair sized, gay friendly city. But my mate in question lives 30 miles away, but works up here. He's not into sports, so that would leave Doctor Who as an interest (me too, before you glance at my avatar) and general dance music. I'm sure he'll get what he needs at some point but I'm just expressing how difficult it must be to find anything substantial from the type of male sexuality that is stereotyped to be well, so hedonistic.

I find that I can find other gay boys by keeping a list of people I suspect of being gay, which I figure out based on watching them looking at boys and overhearing conversations. As I receive more information, I raise their percent likeliness for being gay.

I would like to meet a nice guy similar age to myself.