Venting....

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I am feeling extreme anger towards aspects surrounding my sons diagnosis (not him). Specifically the people and organizations we have to deal with to 'get help'. I have now spent well over $5k on testing and therapies since July. The insurance company is denying all claims. I am almost out of savings and about to go into my 401k. My house has no equity since we just bought it and I can't rent for cheaper anyway. I can't work two jobs because I am single with two kids. I can work part time from home, but to be honest, I just don't have the energy or concentration to write (freelancing) and can't seem to find it anymore. I am looking for a new job for more money, but the competition is fierce. I also worry about being able to keep a new job since I have to take so much time off for doctor appointments and am always late for work.

I just can't seem to have the attitude that my son needs a therapy but the insurance company won't pay for it, so he doesn't get it. No, he has to get it, whatever the cost.

Tried renting out a room in my house - she moved in and then quit her job. Hard to find a suitable renter that I feel safe having around my kids and will actually pay rent.

Child support order has been open for over 7 years and not a dime - the father is a state hopper. He cannot even be located.

I feel like I am in such a tight spot. I am just running out of options. I am sure there are many mothers in a similar situation.

Just wanted to vent because I feel very angry right now...just frustrated. The financial burden is just ridiculous.

Not sure if any of my kids are on the spectrum are not, but I came in from the new posts....

Sorry to read about your troubles. I just diagnosed us both with FOOFS (Freaking Out Over Finances Syndrome) and it so happens we are both in the subgroup FOOFS-SP (Freaking Out Over Finances Syndrome complicated by Single Parenting).

(That's a joke, in case it wasn't clear. I started to write that I could relate to freaking out over finances, then I saw the initial letters of each word made whatever you call that letter pattern, and I'm not allowing myself to look it up right now although I know I could have it in seconds, but anyway....)


I can so relate to your financial situation, I haven't got nearly enough to meet my family's needs, and am fortunate to have parents who are in a position to loan me money. It bothers me a lot though. At the same time I am very grateful to them, of course.

At this point I have no idea how it's all going to work out. It's looking pretty impossible. But I remember back to when I was in a bad financial situation before, so bad that my daycare cost almost as much as my take-home pay for a while, until one child got old enough to be in public school. (How I got through that was by the Department of Social Services paying my daycare, and even giving me some additional financial assistance, until the kids got older & I got that better-paying job I needed ~ but I don't know if those programs exist anymore. I'm thinking they might not, in the US at least.)

Anyway, it did work out... I'm at a low point again at the moment, but I did get out from under before and expect to again. I went from essentially being on welfare (but they called it something else, an acronym, because I had a job) with a baby and a three-year-old, to buying my first home before the baby turned six. I know that seems like a really long time when you're on the beginning end of it, and have no idea exactly how fortune will shine upon you in the future, but things do tend to fall into place. In my case it wasn't sudden, things got better bit by bit, and I just kept trying to do what I thought was the right thing in the meanwhile.

It's my belief that the insurance companies (and their cousin pharmie) are a main cause of most of the problems in the US today. At my last job, it cost over 1800 USD per month for family coverage (the employees paid only 15%, oh, except the higher-paid management, of course, they got it for free). We had people working there full time who earned less than that in a month, to put it in perspective.

One time, I saw that a provider charged over 13,000 for a small, low-tech piece of medical equipment (I know exactly what it is, and there's no WAY it could have cost more than $10 to make it, including materials.) I knew someone online at the time that had the exact same thing and her insurance company was charged $250 for it. So I called up my insurance company just to give them a heads-up that they might want to look into having been overcharged, but they told me there was no mistake. On the same bill, the physician who spent three hours on the procedure charged under $5000. Just for perspective!

And I'm not trying to be all "I have it worse than you" but I grew up with a single mom and never saw my disappearing deadbeat father from the ages of 4 to 17, he also never paid a dime of child support. I would a million times rather be in my mother's situation than to have joint custody with my child's very involved father, who is an abusive, manipulative narcissist and lives very nearby.... He's even gotten money off me from time to time (though he admits to owing me $$$$$$$$$ for abusing my credit during our marriage). For example he owes our child $30 from borrowing the kid's allowance (and that's a lot, considering I only give him $5 a week). (Wow, it just occurred to me how VERY messed up that is. I'm sure he has had $30 time and time again and has not paid the kid back. WTF.) My mother has told me that she thought she had it bad in her situation, but now that she's seen my ex, she realizes she was really lucky. And it all worked out for her, too, in the long run.

So there you have it, a bit of commiseration and a predication that things will get better for you. From a stranger who knows nothing about your situation or the future. But is eternally optimistic because past experience has shown that things tend to work out.

Any chance your ex might be collecting social security disability? My other ex remarked to me one day that he hoped I was getting the payments for our child because he was on disability (I did know he wasn't working ~ he's the only one I ever got child support payments from, he did it on his own without going to court... nice guy actually.) I called SS & it turned out I needed to apply on her behalf, it wasn't enough for him to tell them about her. So I did. The woman told me it would not be retroactive, because of (xyz technicality). Then one day a couple of months later I was checking my bank account online and noticed an extra $8400 in there. Retroactive SS payment. (And they continued to direct deposit $220 a month or so from then until the beginning of the year she turned 18.)

I used it all to benefit my child in one way or the other, she got to go to Europe on a school trip that may not have happened otherwise... some of it went to repair the roof over her (and my, and her brothers') head. That was fine according to the SS lady, she had told me I could spend it on anything associated with expenses of raising her, just as it is with child support. Shelter, food, clothes, trips, treats, old electric bill, whatever.

That happened just after I'd watched the movie The Secret so I had been envisioning money winging its way to me and how good it felt to have all that money, applying the law of attraction. Even though I wasn't really expecting any money at all, that was the premise of the movie, that if you send out the vibration to the universe that you already have it (anything, not just money) and lose your attachment to wondering where it's coming from, it causes it to be attracted your way. I'm not going to say "it worked" because I don't have any way of verifying cause & effect but it sure gave the appearance of working. At the time I had a coworker friend who sat in the room across the hall from mine. We had both watched the movie around the same time, and were having a morning chat when I discovered the windfall... She also attracted, or coincidently received, some of what she was vibrating towards. It's pretty hokey, lowest-common-denominator stuff, that movie, but came in handy when I needed it. Sometimes it's on youtube in chunks (part 1 part 2 etc.) so you could probably watch it for free, if you haven't & would like to. I think I saw it on Canadian google.

Also remember that a trend is only that. Just because other people are going down financially it doesn't mean you can't be gaining. The billionaires are still gaining, and I'm sure some less notorious people are also, in less obscene amounts.

bj, I am so sorry to hear you're having a difficult time. Do I remember correctly that you are in Illinois? If so, have you registered your ex with DCFS as a deadbeat Dad? Also, the Illinois All Kids program covers mental health, I don't know how much - but it would be well worth applying to find out - and at least they would cover the related medical issues.

Also, while IL is absolutely horrible in terms of education support and, well, State support in general, it might be worth contacting the municipality you live in and finding out if they have any emergency assistance programs - you never know. I know my town has a whole series of support systems.

Take care of yourself - I'm so sorry you're struggling: dealing with parenting a special needs child is challenging enough without other stuff on top of it.

Sorry to hear things are so frustrating.

I know you won't give up on the insurance companies. Sometimes it seems they are just looking to see who is more stubborn. That would be you

You aren't looking for advice, and I can't say I have any, except ... when I've gotten in those squeeze is spots is when I've found it most useful to really separate myself from the situation and try to figure out what is necessary, and what isn't. Sometimes things we consider essential really aren't, and maybe we wouldn't figure that out if we hadn't been forced to.

(((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))) I'll keep sending prayers. With your younger son now having medical issues, I know you are in a tough tough spot.

Alot of those places have a "immediately deny" policy and need to be smacked at least twice in order for anyone to even READ the information you send them. (This isn't paranoia or anything, I've been told by people IN the industry that that is the way things are set up.)

You have to keep pushing, despite the delays and frustrations - it's "the man" hard at work.

Incidently, you need to remember.. Do all you can; get all the assistance you are able to get for your kid(s) but DONT drag yourself under while doing it. You aren't going to help your son much if you're living in a car becasue you overspent on diagnostics and therapies.

Do what you can. Then take a break to build up your finances. Yes, yes, i know.. then your son is going to be missing out on anywhere from months to a year without any advancement in treatments, but hey.. longterm! longterm! Lots of folks don't even get diagnosed 'till later and manage to come out okay - kids stay moldable for a long time....

Do what you can. But remember that what you can do is already stretched, and you need Bjtao time too - and Bjtao living... Do what you can, be satisfied (for the moment) with what you are pursuing, and don't add any more to your plate until you've solved at least half those pending projects....

Being a good parent means sticking around. You're doing that and more. So don't worry that you're failing your kid if you slow down a bit for a while... You're failing him more if mom has a mental or financial breakdown.

Hi BJ---so sorry you are going through financial difficulties on top of everything else! My heart goes out to you---I don't know how you do it, but somehow, I do believe things will get better.

Is there anyway you can work out some type of payment plan with any of the places you owe money to? Why is the insurance company denying the claims? I agree that if you keep pushing, you may get some things paid for.

Also, maybe you could start to reduce some of the therapies for a little while until you get caught back up (for example, maybe have your son go every other week) if that is a possibility. Or maybe you can learn some of what they are doing to work with him on your own, maybe?

I hope things get better soon!

Thanks, all. I was just venting after getting off the phone w/ the insurance company. I am just MAD!

Yeah, dealing with insurance companies is not the most fun thing-----Hang in there and keep pushing!

Personally, I would write an appeal. It's worth a try, right? The worst they can say is no. I know that most places won't do "sliding scale" fees if you have insurance (we tried that with a provider that was out of network with our insurance), but that's also worth a shot. Locally, we have a few non-profits that specialize in autism and offer services at a reduced rate ($40/hour). What about the United Way? or the local ARC?

I am sorry that things are rough right now....and I'm sorry that you are dealing with this without support (both financially and otherwise). In my case, it's rough enough trying to raise the two children we have (one AS, one NT) with two parents who are both working full time. We still don't have enough $$ to cover everything that I think she needs.....and God knows, she's certainly not getting it at school.

Hang in there.....and take care of YOU!