Today's Journal Entry.

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I figure I'd type out my diary entry I wrote today. Maybe some of you can relate to it.
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Monday, October 25, 2010. 11:51pm

Today was a hard day. This evening, after unsuccessfully looking for minimum wage jobs (as usual) as more months fall off the calendar, I was picked up by four guys I don’t know, one of which I recently met at an online social group’s brunch meetup. We went to someone’s house and watched a movie. I am so glad we watched a movie, because from the very moment I got into that car, I wanted to escape. The feeling heightened when we got back to the guy’s house, a guy in his 40’s with a couple of kids. I was watching him be a father and listening to everyone talk about work and dating and wives and things of interest. I also struggled through my own bullsh*t about the kind of work I (don’t) do. (I lie and say I do a job which I don’t, since I am unemployed on disability) Well, a guy said he might have some business for me. F*cking great. Little does he know I don’t do business and can hardly even survive a conversation, let alone establish myself in the business world.
Anyway, I was watching all this and once again being hit by the familiar ton of bricks, that I am very very different from them. Even the kind of stuff they talk about, and mainly how they talk about it shows a very different world thatn the strangeness inside my own head. I got the horrible feeling that I’m more detached from reality than even I thought. I am so childlike and naïve. At twenty five I feel like I’m ten years old. I can only talk about certain isolated things, like technical attributes of car commercials and video games. I have no idea how to talk about ‘life’ with people.
I look at that man with his kids, and I think, “Who the f*ck am I kidding? One of my dreams is to have a family one day. No. I can’t be a father. I can barely function in the world myself, let alone raise someone else to.” Even the people my age, with girlfriends and wives and a wider world understanding -- they are miles away from where I am. My world is so small and imaginary. I’m only comfortable alone, where I am the king of my own castle and can draw my own world. Yet, I’m most depressed when I’m alone – I want to be around people and meet new people, but the more I try, the more I realize that I’ve been left behind. My friends have jobs and are moving on. Ninth grade has perpetuated, I can’t shake it off and become an adult. I can’t even fake it with these people. I am not like them. I admit that certain aspects of the human condition are universal, but those aspects are not what I am talking about. I’m talking about something so subtle but vast, like an alien in a human suit – I look like them but everything inside is organized differently – when it’s not short circuiting. No matter how hard I try, I just can’t fit in.
I want to just stay inside alone, rather than experience this isolation and loneliness, so much more prominent when around others. Being alone and isolated and lonely is horrible, but not nearly as anguishing as seeing the difference between me and everyone else shoved into my face. I know this is not something that can change, either. I’ll be like this forever. There is ‘no cure’. Perpetually surrounded by everything I cannot participate in. Having to live and feel normal only through vicarious observation, always returning to the empty hole of my own non-functional life.
I now know that the people who reassure me that I’m no different from anyone else, that the struggles I face are universal – they don’t know what they’re talking about. They haven’t experienced it. They are speaking from an external perspective, the Olympic runner, or even the average walker, telling the paraplegic that he is just like everyone else. This is agonizing to live with. I never suspected my life would be like this. Forever trapped outside the world, while it swarms around me. It is like I am in a glass box hardly big enough for my body, amidst a crowd of thousands, watching them walk by me but unable to join. This is the worst part: It’s more accurate to say that I can actually move freely amongst them, but not participate in their activities, like a ghost at a carnival.
How I wish I were a ghost. It would be no different. At least then I could completely absorb myself in watching others live their normal lives, without having to deal with my own failed life, or how well I fit into society.
This evening I was joking with those guys about 2012. I said “You know what? I look forward to 2012. I want to see what will happen, and to tell you the truth, if nothing at all happens, I will be very disappointed, just like Y2K! I mean, really, imagine china launched a nuke and obliterated half of the States; the resulting chaos, the life changing experience, that would be so exciting! What an excellent interruption to my mundane life!” The other fellows didn’t think that would be the sort of exciting they’d appreciate, and I courteously concurred that realistically, in the event of a thermonuclear war and global meltdown, I wouldn’t enjoy it either.
But the thing is, most of it is true. I [u]do[/] look forward to it. I [u]do[\u] want the world to end. If I looked up in the sky and saw a mushroom cloud, I would steal a car and drive directly towards it. Better yet to be beneath it when it hit. If I were in an earthquake, and saw a building about to collapse on me, I would not move out of the way. On the way out to the guy’s house tonight, it was raining hard, it was night, road conditions were terrible and we were on the highway. I undid my seat belt and prayed for an accident. A year ago, I was driving with two friends and I was being stupid; I took a turn without braking, going at least 60. The car fishtailed, almost lost control. There was a pole directly in front of us, and it was only through quick steering that I managed to stay on the road. I wish now that I hadn’t been able to keep control. I wish I wrapped my car around that pole. The same is true for the crash that later wrecked that same car; I T-boned someone who was speeding through a red light going at least 80. One second more and they would have T-boned me. Another time I nearly hit the blunt end of a concrete divider on the highway. Back when I was 17, I rode my bike home on the highway at 2am, blackout drunk, with no lights or helmet. I remember weaving around on the highway, thinking “I’m going to get creamed.”
I wish all of those things had happened just that slight bit differently. A sudden, unexpected tragic end would be a sigh of relief for me. No more struggling to live in a world I don’t understand, am terrified of, and don’t fit in with. No more watching my unattainable dreams stagnate and dry up.
And what about you? Do you just keep on keeping on? My life is a hell of paranoia, delusion, obsession, mental health issues, and a neurological deformity to boot. (AS) I have little peace and joy. What is there to keep on keeping on for, if it all shatters before my eyes? This is an existential battle I am tired of trying to find the answer to. I’m on my knees, again and again.
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wow man, that is heavy. i have such concerns but i can't let them out of their cages or else they would eat me alive.

Yes, I know the feeling, lol.