A trip to the principal's office!

Post Reply New Topic

Oh boy o boy!! This is the second post to "Bit my son's head off". Today, my dear boy received a one day suspension due to his reaction to a girl he liked. He not allowed to attend the Halloween dance either. He found out at lunch why she was uninterested...another boy of course - but a sassy NT who told her he could never be interested in her and that she should go back to her ret*d, n****r boyfriend just like the good, little ret*d girl that she is. Well my son witnessed this and screamed at her, "Up your guinea pig's ass!" (her prized pet)and then punched the NT boy in both eyes with both fists at the same time karate style. There were a hundred witnesses to his logical attack. He had to be dragged to the principal's office. I have to go to a big meeting at the school because of it. Ever since his hormones kicked in, he's gotten rather ferocious. They actually have anger management groups for kids at his school. Looks like he's going. Anyone else have trouble like this? I had to lock myself in my bedroom while he reads (the New testament for today) because at this point, I'd just might strangle him. I need for him to keep away from me for a good hour or so. The fact that he punched the boy in both eyes with both fists at the same time makes me think it was not a reaction to emotion but a cold, quick , pre-meditated deed that had nothing to do with being called a ret*d n****r because he knows for a fact that the school doesn't tolerate that kind of verbage. The principal is black for crying out loud along with at least two of the teachers!! The other boy would have gotten into far more trouble if my son just went and told a teacher. There were plenty of witnesses. I hope there won't be a lawsuit! Once somebody gets violent, that's when those on your side wash their hands of you. This is his second violent outburst on a boy after being "verbally" assaulted. If it were in physical, self-defense, I wouldn't be so mad at him right now. Let it be known: If you're in a SPE program and you always keep your cool, the teachers will be on your side provided you tell them everything and have witnesses. It doesn't pay to use your fists. Then you get labeled an animal. Aren't the labels we AS people have enough? Who the heck wants one more.

Frankly, I hope someone at this meeting is able to be more successfully empathetic with your son than you can. It is ridiculous to think an Aspie in meltdown mode should be able to reason out a response based on the ethnicity of his principal. That sort of abstract thinking just isn't going to happen with an autistic kid whose dignity has been pummeled. And the idea that using both hands makes this a cold premeditated act is equally absurd.

Yes, violence is always unacceptable. You should punish him. The school should punish him. And they should also punish the other kid.

But you need to get yourself a lot of education on what the emotional response of kids on the spectrum is like, and you need to work harder on empathizing with your kid. If you need counseling to be able to do that, you need to get it. Period.

My son did an excellent anger management program when he was 10 or so; not that he had done anything extreme, but I was really worried about the meltdowns, what I saw as his lack of control, and his pending puberty. Even though his issues were quite different from those of the other kids - we had been looking more for something to help him manage his anxiety, which was leading to angry outbursts - something about the program really stuck with him, and he really found value in it (his choice to attend, his choice to stick with it). Doing something like that at this age could be productive.

I think you need to talk to him. This is a "break it down" situation. You both need to know - not guess - the reason behind the punch. Was he in meltdown or was he angry? Was he thinking or was he not thinking? He needs to trust that he can tell you the truth without you punishing him for it, so that he WILL tell you the truth. Without the truth, you have no tools to prevent the next incident. Getting the breakdown is more important than showing your anger or issuing consequences (those are coming as a result of the action, and they are coming from the school, and should not be dependent on what you learn in the breakdown discussions), IMHO, because you need to know which devil you are dealing with. Different devils require different protocols.

So, when you are done crying and being angry, and he is done, you do what you always do as a parent: get back to work on figuring out how to raise your child.

i'm sort of unsure here. look, i had this kind of thing happen with my son. A boy was punching him and laughing as he watched him run after him ...but when he caught up to him, he kicked him hard. the teachersaw what was happening and punished them both, so my son tried to explain himself, the teacher went in "i do not want to know"mode. what hapenned next can be seen from two point of views.
NT view: he bit the teacher. he has no respect, no control of his anger, he needs more punishment
AS view: the teacher caught him by the wrist to bring him to a corner, while he was on the brink of a full meltdown. he felt trapped and negated by the fact the teacher didn't want to hear anything from him. he bit the hand, not caring whose it was anymore.
now, i know this deserves a lecture and a punishment, but also: i had to explain to him that teachers are also human beings who can make mistakes, and that the fact that she didn't want to hear the story didnt mean that she didn't care about his feelings, but that she wanted this over with quickly and without effort, that she might have been tired.

your son probably feels bad about what he did. But managing your anger as an AS....it's a long road. and along the way, you need to stay on his side, against the world. teach him ways to cope, show him the consequences of his actions, ( he will feel them anyway) , punish him. But put yourself in his shoes, ret*d n****r is not really something you can swallow when your self esteem is low, you've just been sort of dumped, and are probably depressed a little....i know you're not going to be able to explain this in a way that makes sense to a bunch of ( american? ) NTs who are going to be very judgemental about the end result of the fight. well best of luck with that, but don't forget that your son needs to feel you understood his reasons, even if you dispprove of his reaction!

This sort of thing happened to me all the time as a kid in school. No one would hear my side of the story and when I tried to tell the teacher what happened, she wouldn't listen to me and sided with the bully and I got punished. It was better in my veiw to have a good defence than a good offence. Sometimes kids would hurt me and run away before I could get them so I would strike back when I had a chance like an assembly or school function even when the original act happened months ago. My bullies were almost never punished but I was always punished. I remember as young as seven having fanticies of taking a gun to school and opening fire on all the teachers and bullies.

RightGalaxy, it is so hard to have a kid who hits and is otherwise violent - and it doesn't help that the support community (meaning schools and social workers) offers such confusing responses. I have been there myself; I'm sorry to read that you're having this struggle.

While Vector's language is somewhat abrupt, I think he has said something worth listening to, something that it's taken me a while to learn, myself (and DH is still struggling with:) it may seem like my son is in control when he hits someone; he may be able to say things that sound like he is being deliberate...he may be able to do things that look like he's being deliberate - but he is not in control of himself. I know this because we are slowly (very slowly) conquering this tendency in my son - and you can see the gargantuan effort it takes just for him to get himself somewhere safe to calm down and NOT hit. Yes, my son has punched kids in the face - and we aren't even at puberty yet, and he wasn't even provoked in the way your son was.

Getting away when you are angry is really important; it's a tool I use often. I have been working very hard to control myself, knowing as I do now that screaming matches and power struggles make things worse. When you have both calmed down it is possible you and your son may be able to talk about what happened and figure out what he needs from himself, you, and the school, to keep it from happening again.

I have about a 60% success rate in getting DS to talk after everyone has calmed down. This has been improving slowly as my son gets more control - but there are instances where he can't talk about an incident even weeks later without getting angry again, and we just have to let it go after making sure he understood that it isn't acceptable (we do have standard consequences for violence.) We are still seeking help, and are taking advantage of help wherever we can get it (we are hoping to upgrade DS's 504 to an IEP on Friday.) and that's important, too.

My son is older now, but when he was in upper elementary school, he started "losing it" when he felt threatened. Unfortunately, he could feel threatened somewhat unpredictably. His responses were sometimes violent (although, his violence was a bit ineffectual, so he didn't inflict any serious damage). I definitely understand the upset, as a parent, of hearing about your child behaving so unacceptably, but I also know that my child was not "in control" when he became violent.

Like momsparky's son, my son was often unable to discuss what had happened afterwards, even long afterwards, without becoming very agitated. We would do our best, with me trying to be as comforting and soothing as possible, but it was very hard. The whole time he was in middle school, we struggled through various issues with teasing which provoked reactions that ranged from "weird" (hissing or making other animal-like sounds) to physical.

He is now in a school for kids with special needs, and teasing is not tolerated. His stress level has dropped down to normal levels, and he no longer has those kinds of outbursts. Whether it's primarily because he was in a lower stress environment, or because he outgrew that phase, I can't say for sure ... probably a combination.

Meanwhile, although it is true that your son can't be allowed to be violent, school has to do its part in helping your son by providing an environment that is not unduly stressful. If there needs to be a trained adult in close proximity to monitor and facilitate social interactions in order to make sure that your son is not being teased or bullied during "unstructured" times at school, then the school needs to provide that level of service. Don't let the school use this as only an opportunity to punish your son - use it as an opportunity to demonstrate your son's need for more support than he is currently receiving.