How do I tell my 12-year-old he is AS?

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My wife and I have a 12-and-a-half year old son who has been statemented here in the UK with AS. We adopted him at birth and we're now struggling to find a new school placement that would be appropriate and helpful to him.

My biggest question right now is, how do I tell him he has Aspergers?

He's very angry and depressed most of the time. If he takes out against something it's very difficult, usually impossible, to get him to change his mind or take a fresh look at it.

Would anyone care to relate their own experiences in breaking the news to their kid? We really feel we need help and advice on this one.

Thanks,
Walker

Here's a good article that might be of some help -> Getting Started: Introducing Your Child to His or Her Diagnosis of Autism or Asperger Syndrome.

I think the most important thing to keep in mind when telling your son is that AS does make him any better or worse than any other person, only different. There are things that he can do with ease that others will find difficult and there are things that he cannot do without difficulty

Our son was 10 when he was dx'd. We made sure he knew that it didn't change anything at all about how much we loved him, or his place in the family. It just helped us to understand him a little better. We made sure to keep it positive and upbeat. He doesn't really talk about his dx, has never once tried to use it as an excuse.

i'd make certain that you have plenty of info ready...if he's anything like my son, he'll be looking for the black lining in the cloud....our son was dx'd at 13, and trying to explain it to him so that he understood that he was different not ret*d was somewhat difficult~ i work with students on the spectrum, but much lower functioning than my son...his only knowledge of people on the spectrum was that of folks much, much, much lower than himself~ he actually started asking if it meant that he'd be going to the school i teach at.............we've tried to focus on the positive aspects of getting a dx~getting to understand yourself better and what makes your body "tick".

Thanks everyone for your replies and your thoughts on this.

My wife and I dropped it in conversation at dinner last night when Z was in a particularly good frame of mind. He's never been very trusting of our family "talks" so we avoided that and kept it as casual as we could. Let him steer the conversation away if he wanted and then gently bring it back.

We dropped some names of people assumed to have been AS and he responded with a fair amount of interest. When we talked about the progress we were making in finding him a school placement he was genuinely pleased to hear that there would be other "geeks" like him there. He's clearly often frustrated in talking to his peers at school. They just don't know what he's on about anymore.

We're hopeful now that he'll give it some thought and have some questions. Always with Z it's dangerous to talk about anything too much. Drop it in his lap and then let it go for a bit.

Thanks again for sharing your thoughts.

Walker

Being an aspie just means that you think differently from most other people, and this thinking can make it a bit difficult in some cases and a bit easier in others. In terms of socializing, we operate best when we're around those whom have similar interests. That's what I think is the most important. I never really had that growing up, and I was not open about my interests to others, but then again ... I was more afraid of people than wanting to talk to them, so I stuck to myself for the most part.

I would tell him, because he needs to know why he appears different. You say that he's angry and depressed all the time? He needs to know, because he may dwell on an idea about why he isn't easily liked or understood.

I think the conventional school systems, both public and private, can be disastrous for those with AS, unless there is some kind of strong understanding of the condition. I was never diagnosed with AS, but I have been diagnosed with a few other things. Looking back, I didn't care what I was diagnosed with, because I had been at a specialized school where I was respected and understood. I was able to converse with the staff and more, even though I did not easily relate to my peers. I think being understood and respected for who you are is the kind of environment in which an aspie can thrive.

- Ray M -