Lack of emapthy?

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Can someone explain what is meant by lack of empathy? I am not sure if this is samething but I find and looking back at myself over the years I don't think I respond appropriately to certain events or what people tell me.

For example if my parents are late coming home and I haven't heard from them I do get worried and want to know they are alirght. When I know they are fine my worry is goes.

However if someone tells me so and so died, their mum has cancer etc I don't really feel much, I know it's bad but I can't really "feel" their pain and emphasize in that sense. Even when my parents or brother and sisters are upset I fee bad because they are upset but I can't seem to show empathy emotionally. One of sisters (who I no longer see) I found out had a poor childhood (I won't mention the details) my parents were really upset over it where as I only felt bad for her.

I know it's terrible not feel for someones loss or death, illness etc but when certain things happen or when people.tell me things I can't feel their pain in that way.

Can you guys relate here?

I think a lot of times, it's easier to be empathetic to a situation you are familiar with. For example, if you yourself have lost a loved one, you would probably find it easier to empathize with someone else who lost a loved one. There's nothing wrong with feeling, or not feeling a certain way about someone else's problem (or good news). As long as you can be respectful of their feelings, then that's really all that's needed.

I find it much worse when some fakes empathy. They could say things like "oh, I know exactly how you feel," when you know that's impossible because they've never been in a similar situation. I really can't stand it when people do that. I'd much rather someone say a simple "sorry," or "that's awful, can I help?"

Incidentally, I think the fact that you think "it's terrible not feel for someones loss or death, illness etc " is quite empathetic in and of itself.

Oh yes.

My mom had cancer this year and I didn't even know about it till May but it was ending by then. I didn't get scared or anything. She said she was going to be fine and she wasn't going to die and that was why she hadn't been working and why she had been so tired. She had been getting therapy for it to kill the cells. Now she has returned to work finally. I don't know if I felt her pain but when she told me how much pain she was in and all, I couldn't imagine being in that shape or not being able to do anything without getting very tired. And what was funny was we both had the same symptoms except she had cancer and mine was from pregnancy. We were both more tired except she was more tired than me. Plus I didn't have mental energy to read things, same as her. So I was always getting bored online with what I was reading.

I have called my husband when he wouldn't be home asking where is he and he says he is working late or he got stuck in traffic. One time I came home from work three years ago and saw the lights were still on and he was gone so I got scared and it was almost midnight. So I called him and it turned out he had went grocery shopping and is waiting for the bus. Then I had calmed down knowing he only went grocery shopping and is at the bus stop.

I don't feel much either when someone dies such as my grandfather or one of my brother's friends or one of my friends loved ones. All I say is "I'm sorry" and that's it. But I know that is a awkward situation for everyone, no one knows how to act in it so they say the wrong things or don't say anything so they act like they don't care and it's considered social taboo to talk about death. Even if they have lost someone too they knew or loved and they still don't talk about it to relate to someone or to sympathize. So I don't have to feel bad there since it's normal. I also wouldn't be surprised if people fake empathy in those situations.

Empathy is the vicarious experience of another person's thoughts or feelings. Questions/statements on the AQ test like, "I find it difficult to imagine what it would be like to be someone else" are getting (very blatantly) at this. It's definitely easier to be empathetic toward others in situations that you've experienced before yourself -- as an earlier post mentioned. Don't limit your thinking to deaths in the family, however. It could be anything: getting into college, having a birthday, going on vacation -- whatever.

For me, a demonstrated lack of empathy highlights the frequent communication breakdowns I have with others. All others. Just not getting what it is to be them and experience what they experience, if that makes sense. None of the events I just listed -- even though I've experienced them all before myself -- inspire any kind of feeling in me when others experience them. They just create confusion or indifference or something similarly "unempathetic." They don't leave a mark, so to speak.

Small things happen to me, and my emotions are all over the place. Huge things happen to you, and they don't inspire any emotion in me at all. And it's not because I'm the cold-blooded killer type with no conscience. Not at all. The feelings just don't come, and I don't know why. I want the feelings to register, but it's almost like the event didn't even happen.

Example. I've got an aunt who lost her husband about a year ago. She's still totally devestated and aimless in her life. For some reason, I just can't "get there" with her, even though I know intellectually how upset she still is and, generally, how upsetting it is to lose a close loved one. In fact, every once in a while (about every month), I think, "I wonder how my uncle's doing -- I'm pretty sure he's sick, but I can't remember with what. Oh, yeah ... he's dead."

Do I need to point out that these types of "feelings" -- really lack of feelings -- do not make me particularly proud of my humanity?

feelings. do you act like a robot? Most times, I probably do

I tend to have more empathy for certain people than others.

If I don't know someone personally and someone tells me that something bad happened to them, I don't feel happy that something bad happened to them, but I feel less empathy than if it was someone I knew. For example, if my friend told me that there sister, that I don't know, had cancer, I would feel less empathy than if my friend told me that she had cancer. I would not feel happy for my friend's sister though. I defiantly don't feel neutral though, I realize it's sad and feel sad.

I agree with the poster that said it's easier to be empathetic in a situation that you're familiar with. For example, if someone I knew had a bicycle accident, I would feel more empathy than if my friend had a car accident because I have never had a car accident, but I have had a bicycle accident.

Also, I feel more empathy when people are hurt than sick.

I want to add just a little bit to my post above. Not only is basic lack of empathy an AS trait, I think we're also really bad at gauging when and if we're expressing appropriate amounts and kinds of empathy. What I mean is, not only are we often not expressing empathy; we may not be at all aware that we're not.

I'm haunted by the loss of a very old friend -- I had known him since kindergarten, so 30 years or so? He was also my "last" friend -- like the only one left in my life. His sister was diagnosed with terminal cancer, and he was devastated, naturally. I decided that I'd really step up, offer him tons of support, and help him get through the worst episode of his life. After all, he was literally my only friend.

And I succeeded! I was awesome! No one had ever received more attention and help through a difficult situation than my friend had from me. Or so I thought. After his sister died, we hadn't spoken in a little while. (Don't know how long -- I probably thought it was a few days when it was really more like several months.) I wondered how he was so I asked my wife (now ex-wife) if she had spoken to him. "Yeah, she said. He doesn't want to speak to you. He feels like you really let him down and just weren't there for him at all."

You could have knocked me over with a feather. I'm still *totally* dumbfounded. So, let's add that to the mix, here.

Yeah I think I get what you mean it's like you know you feel bad for them but you can't "feel" their pain or emotion? I wonder if I prefer to be alone and I am often a loner because I have trouble making real friends, having close relationships with others especially women could be due to lack of empathy?

I think for me it's worth considering.

League Girl, wow firstly that sure is a lot you re dealing with! Pregnancy for you and your mom's illness, and yes I am so sorry I am always here if you wanna talk just so you know Ironically.... I am empathetic as far as literally picking up sadness and pain from someone else, and they call people like myself an empath! If I walk into a room where a depressed person is, I feel their energies then I get down. And yes I am extremely intuitive but in that way I am empathetic. However if someone is going through a situation that I have never been through it is hard to relate, so the most I can do is say "sorry you are dealing with this, I am a good listener" and I leave it to that. I want to show that I do care even if I can't really understand what the person is going through...instead of shedding crocodile tears!That bugs me.

Mir

I run into this all the time, there has been a lot of "drama" in my extended family in the past few years. I don't know what to say. I feel uncomfortable with it. My sister has been diagnosed with MS, and I don't know what is the thing to say, or how to be there for her. I went and set with her one day when she was being admitted to the hospital I work at. I sat there and felt awkward, she chatted away about whatever goings on she always chats about, and I sat there, till she had to go somewhere else.
When my grandmother died, I didn't feel anything, I knew she was gone, and that we would never laugh together again, and I would miss that. All the strangers at her funeral were shaking my hand, patting my back, and and saying how sorry for my loss. She was 95. She had a good life and was great lady. What more could there be? I told a story about her at the memorial service, about how I had gone fishing once as a boy, and didn't catch anything. I was very disappointed because I said I would catch her a fish for lunch. So she cooked the leftover bait shrimp, and we ate them for lunch, and she thanked my for bringing her some shrimp. She taught me to do my best with what I have, and not worry about what I don't have.

I have a hard time with empathy -- in fact I really don't have it. Empathy is defined as: the intellectual identification with or vicarious experiencing of the feelings, thoughts, or attitudes of another (http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/empathy). I do not have the capacity to do this and this tends to be a common trait among aspies. I get lost in my own world and if something doesn't fit into that world, I do not see it.

As such, apsies can sometime be taken as being cold, distant, non-caring, narcissistic etc. However, that is really not the case.

This describes me -- and people's reactions to me -- perfectly. I do get lost in my own little world. I'm actually interested in the world outside of my own, but I just don't understand it -- why people do what they do, why they care about the things they care about. And when I ask "why?" people think I'm asking some sort of rhetorical or sarcastic question. As though I'm asking, "why would you have any interest in that? -- it's ridiculous." No, I genuinely want to know why. That's all.

I completely forgot it was Halloween on Sunday, as the rest of the country -- including lots of people I know -- was excited and engaged and having fun. Intellectually speaking, yeah it looked fun. But not for me. I had no feeling for it (or any holiday -- this is just an example). The elections today? Again, why? World Series? I understand that it ended last night, but that's about it. Why do we do these things? I don't necessarily think we *shouldn't* do them, but again, I'm just confused.

And this gets translated into a complete lack of interest in others and their interests. Of course I come off as cold and distant and non-caring. But, here's where NT folks come to the wrong conclusion: they assume that we've really considered (in an empathetic way) their interests and feelings and have affirmatively decided to dismiss them as uninteresting or irrelevant or whatever. That's completely wrong. They think we've made the whole emotional or logical journey, when in reality we haven't even gotten started.

I can't engage with people on a personal level because I don't understand what motivates them, why they like and do the things they do, what they care about and why. In essence, we have nothing to talk about. We don't share the same interests, to put it mildly. I like to polish things, count and keep track of stuff, find patterns in dates and numbers, read the copyright pages of books. Other people like to read the actual book, for instance, and talk about the book with other people. Amazing!

I have more empathy for others than my mum has. I'm AS and she's NT.

Everyone that posted just described it for me pretty much, when someone tells someone has died or other I can't feel there pain but I do say I am sorry. Unless I have experienced it for myself I am pretty emotionless, kind of hate that quality about me and emotions. When my aunt died a few years ago leaving my cousin to our aunt now that was terrible, I felt more super sorry about my cousin losing her mom at a very young age them the actual death of my aunt. However when someone trips over and cries I am just usually like a robot.

I am not completely certain if the lack of understanding for another persons feelings is a sign of autism in some people. (Psychos don't count)

peoples plights are contained within their head.

i can see more easily what animals feel than what people feel.

people are not like me and i am not like them either.
humans have such a complex set of inceptions that result in what they feel and i can not fathom those incepts.

i can be sure i can understand what a cat sitting on a fence feels much more than i can understand what busy minded people "feel" as they go about their day.


animals are simple and so am i. humans are convoluted and twisted into tight knots of attitudes and opinions and preferences and dislikes.

humans are too complicated for me to understand. i do not care about that because the universe is simple to understand, and it is only humans that are convoluted into whatever dilemma they are in.

I dunno. I feel kind of this way: if the person involved is close to me, like one of my parents, I feel extremely sick and anxious when something is wrong. If the person is someone I don't really know I don't feel much at all.

When I was 12 my friend's dad died. I wasn't sure what to feel. Also, if my friends now cry, I only get nervous and uncomfortable. Same thing at funerals. I just wanna run away.