Aspie guys and flakiness in relationships

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So my boyfriend broke up with me not too long ago and I feel like sh*t. I’ve haven’t been able to eat or sleep for weeks.

We’re both 18 and we have Asperger’s. This was the first time either of us had ever been in a relationship. We were making out in his car and he seemed quite into it when all of a sudden, he said, “Let’s go for a drive.” During the drive, he was very quiet – which is highly unusual for him. Right before he took me home, he asked me how I would like it if we just stayed friends. He said that he didn’t feel like he was ready to be in a relationship and wasn’t comfortable with the idea of having a girlfriend. He said that he knows lots of people who get into relationships and have problems, and he didn’t think he was ready for all that. I asked him whether he was still interested in me, and he said no.

But what’s so bizarre is the way he suddenly lost interest. He broke up with me on the spur of the moment – it’s not as though he had been feeling like this for awhile. Just a few days before, actually, he had said that he was really liking the way our relationship was coming along. When he came to pick me up, he was thrilled to see me -- and in the blink of an eye he wasn't attracted anymore. I was kind of stunned by how easily he could just turn his feelings for me on and off. Could some Aspie guys here give me some insight into what may have happened?

As an aspie guy I don't think we're flaky. Immature, confused and commitment fearing people (NTs or otherwise) behave that way.

I've haven't been in an relationship, but I'll throw out a few hypotheses:
- he sees you as a obsession, a special interest but decided to change
- he isn't mentally "prepared" for the more intimate, sensory parts of an relationship such as sex or making out
- he lost interest in you or you did something to turn him off, which I doubt.

I see this as a common theme in break ups initiated by aspie males. While most can have a meaningful, "functional" relationship doing many things couples do, there are some who go into complete shutdown mode on the male side if even the remote possibility of sex or other forms of intimacy come up which is what I'm assuming here.

The thing is... he really wanted to have sex. And don't get me wrong, I wasn't unwilling. We were going to do it but we were held up because I was saving up money to buy morning after-pills. In fact, on the way over to pick me up, he actually asked me whether or not I had them yet. So his decision to break up with me was completely spontaneous -- he hadn't been planning to do it in advance.

Or maybe he just really wants to get laid!

It seems like bizzare behaviour.. are you sure it wasn't brewing? A lot of the time it seems like a shock at the loss of interest but the partner doesn't see that the person has been becoming less and less interested over time.

He sounds like he needs to grow up tbh, if one minute he says he loves a relationship and the next minute says he doesn't.

Humans are complicated creatures, there could be many other reasons, but only he can tell you those. From what I've learned men don't like to be bugged about whats wrong, nor do aspies so try and phase him out. I know its hard and i'm really sorry

If he really wanted to get laid... why would he suddenly stop being attracted to me? We were going to have sex. Why would he just break up with me?

what people need to understand is attraction hits you in the face like a frying pan... so does loss of interest.

I mean when can you actually pinpoint starting to be attracted to someone? It just happens one day.. same with losing interest. And its not easy for the other person.

An example from a friend of mine: "I really liked him and was into him and then one day I just saw everything that repulsed me in him"

It's a damn shame and hard but it happens.. NOT saying this has to be the case with you but its one of many possible theories.

Flakiness may have everything to do with being 18. It's very common for 18 year olds to be flaky and noncommittal to relationships even if they're NT. I was nowhere near ready for relationships when I was 18.

I would think a man with AS would generally be less flaky in a relationship than an NT man.

I think your boyfriend either just got nervous and didn't know how to handle it, or he really wasn't all that into you and wasn't sure how to tell you so he tried to make the relationship work and just wasn't feeling anything.

I don't feel I'm ready for a real relationship at 25, and think a lot of it has to do with being an aspie. But then again I have felt that all my emotional immaturity was just a symptom of AS, but then it seems that females on the spectrum don't tend to get caught in this permanent lack of interpersonal/emotional development unless they are severely disabled.

But I totally don't get why he turned you down before you started getting sexual. I could totally see myself losing interest in certain people after having sex with them, usually because I didn't have that much interest in them at the beginning except for the fact that they were up for it, but maybe also sometimes because the novelty or mystery of them has started to wear off. I certainly wouldn't avoid sex because "others I know with girlfriends have problems", in fact I'd see her willingness to have sex as a reassurance that I could experience physical intimacy without committing to a relationship with a level of "togetherness" that would create those problems.

Are you sure you didn't do something that he mistook as a sign that you would demand a steady relationship after you had sex?