sending the wrong signals...

Post Reply New Topic

I seem to be sending the wrong signals to new coworkers. Whenever I'm forming a new relationship at work, especially if it's someone with whom I expect to be working closely, I tend to act overtly helpful and "nice" (being careful to avoid saying something offensive). They usually perceive this as a shy person who's a little nervous around new people (which is accurate), but is trying to make friends (wrong!wrong!wrong!). This gets me into trouble when they respond to what they think are "let's be friends" signals; I promptly put up barriers and withdraw, which they interpret as personal rejection!

How do I establish a new relationship that is open and respectful, but lets them know that it's just professional? (Hint to psycho-babblers: the magic word is "boundaries"). I'm not ready to risk scaring people, or fuelling gossip, with phrases like "Aspergers Syndrome","poor social skills", "communication difficulties", etc.

I wonder if cutting out the overtly helpful part and substituting something like "Please feel free to ask me if you have any questions about how things are done" then wandering off to do your own thing would be a good strategy.

Usually being nice to people will inspire a lets be friends response.

I'm not sure what you see as wrong with being friends at work, but in case you don't want to be friends (you don't want people to be nice to you?)

read this link
http://www.heartless-bitches.com/bi/bit ... un06.shtml

For me, I'm happy to be friends at work. If I don't want to be friends outside work and my coworkers step over the line, I say I'm not interested in or prepared to be friends outside of work at this time. I'd appreciate if you didn't do (what ever triggered your anxiety) again. Thanks.

If it is a guy hitting on me (making sexual advances/invitations), I will say, "It seems like you're hitting on me, sorry you're not my type" or "I don't feel that behaviour is appropriate in a work environment, could you please stop, sorry if you misunderstood my signals, I was just trying to be polite and get along".

However it could be that you are misunderstanding their signals - I can't tell from what you wrote.

Mightn't it be beneficial to become friends with these people? Surely there can be no harm in allowing relationships to go beyond professional.