AS Symptoms or Just Awkward?

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To start this off, I should say that I think I have Asperger's. I will most likely never receive an official diagnosis because I'm generally put off by doctors. I will only seek diagnosis if I reach a point where I am uncomfortable with who I am and that discomfort interferes with my day to day life.

When I was younger, I was incredibly awkward. I have a tendency to block out things that I don't like and I've blocked out most of my childhood, but the bits and pieces that have stayed center around a very timid girl who wanted to fit in but could never figure out how, even if she did the same things others did. My earliest grade school memory is off the teacher instructing us to hold scissors in the correct fashion and myself being the only kid who didn't understand which way was correct. I was teased horribly throughout school. I don't think I ever understood why because I did everything the other kids did, or at least I thought I was doing what they were doing. I made decent grades up until middle school, when the emphasis was more on group work and presentation skills. For some reason the two absolutely paralyzed me and I was unable to do the work. I much preferred individual assignments over those where we rushed to find a lab partner.

I had very few friends growing up. I was the kid that sat by myself during lunch and read a book. Teachers asked for us to pair up and I sat in my seat, knowing that there was an odd number of kids in the classroom and that no one wanted me in the group. When I was fifteen, I made up my mind that I would make friends and I would fit in with other people. Luckily, I made friends with a girl that everyone knew and kind of just bummed off of her friends. If someone she knew was at lunch but not her, I'd sit with them. They would partner up with me during school. I never really befriended any of them, most of them probably don't even remember my name. At most, they remember me as that awkward girl.

I have other AS symptoms, from hypersensitivity to sound to an inability to understand the complexities behind relationships. I've been in a relationship with someone for two years and I still wake up some mornings and feel as though every effort that's been put forth is alien. Some days I look at her and feel like she is alien.

I use to add letters when I was younger. Letters, not numbers. If I was ever put in a stressful situation, I would pick out words and add the letters together. A was 1, B was 2, A plus B made 3 and the third letter of the alphabet was C, so the answer to A plus B was C. If a word ever made it through the alphabet, I would restart.

I feel as though I should also mention that I can listen to the same song on repeat every day for months at a time until one day I wake up and feel sick to my stomach while listening to it. A stomachache signals that it is time to move on from a song. I also eat the same meals on a regular basis. I think if it weren't for my partner, I wouldn't have any variation in my diet.

I genuinely feel as though AS explains everything about me. The only issue is, I can make eye contact. I can look people in the eye, but never for extended periods of time. I can't carry a conversation and maintain proper eye contact. It's impossible. I also have a tendency to find something to focus on (I.E. freckles). I will go back and forth between maintaining eye contact and staring at whatever it is I find interesting on their face.

The question is, have other people realized that eye contact is expected of them? Do they do it but feel odd doing it? Does it sound like AS or am I just an awkward person in general?

I did many similar things...

You seem somewhat like me , somewhere along the less obvious end of the autism spectrum. Basically not autistic enough to be outright seen as someone with Aspergers but not normal enough to fit in. I personally had issues like the thing you mentioned with the scissors, like to everyone else something seems obvious and a given but to me it wasn't natural and obvious at all.

I too can make eye contact but I am not sure how long is appropriate so I tend to flick back and forth from their eyes to other parts of their face or slightly to the side of their face. Other times I don't want to come across as being nervous (because to others flicking your eyes back and forth like that makes you look extreamely nervous) so I kind of force eye contact and its a little too intense for the other person.

I also did weird sh*t like the A-1, B-2 C-3 etc, I did those kinds of things as mental mind games to take my mind off boredom or to relieve anxiety...I make the same meals over and over again in the exact same fashion, even using the same plates. bowls and cups. If it wasnt for my roommates I wouldnt be cooking up more than 2 or 3 different types of meals a week. Playing the same songs for prolonged periods of times is something most aspies do- I usually have like 15 songs or so that I would freaking love to play on my ipod everyday over and over while at the gym or in the car...until I randomly hit a block and get tired of it and then find new songs to obsess over.

I'm a lot improved now, I can get across to people as being a reserved person, a very outgoing and friendly but socially inexperienced person (I'm great at starting up friendships but never able to maintain it and with girls its another story, I get a fair number of dates but cant seem to take it further), an immigrant (I'm Asian-American) whose first language is not English (though when they hear my normal accent they realize im just kind of awkward and not from another country) In the end it doesnt really matter that you have Aspergers or not because you sound like you've been able to compensate socially enough to function from what it sounds like... at least thats how I view myself. It would be nice to get an official diagnosis though, to at least be able to put a name on it. That would involve your parents's observations of you as a kid and if you had any asperger-like symptoms then too.I didn't have too many other than I liked to play and do things on my own, "pretend play" a lot and do the same things over and over again. but my parents dismissed that and insist nothing was wrong, as did a lot of my shrinks/docs...but I know that I am different

good luck, i hope it all works out for you and you find out whats up with you