Long term marriage and sexual issues of the aspie wife

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Hi, everyone. I'm a 37 year old female who has been married to the same man for 15 years. We have two kids, a house and two cars. He has a history of cheating, but that seems to have stopped but the lack of sexual affection he feels he's getting from me is a constant source of aggrivation. I've done several things that were way out of my comfort zone to appease him. I'm about routines, I can admit that and he wants more spontenaity. He says it's always been this way. And I think he's punishing me sometimes by taking advantage of my efforts to please him. Such as we wants to get into light bondage and he KNOWS that I'm not comfortable with it, but when I said I wasn't in any way comfortable but was willing to stay open minded as best as I could, he didn't respect that and made plans to buy a collar. Not cool. Then he felt bad about it, like I made him feel dirty and has been pouting all day.

This is constant and a vicious cycle. Does anyone else have this problem? I'm working with a specialist for adult aspergers, but it may be too little too late. I absolutely adore him...and I do all the cooking, cleaning and ask for little help with the kids to compensate for my sexual shortcomings. I'm getting desperate!

He should go to a house and pay for that over-the-top stuff. He wanted to put a collar on you but he acted like you made him feel dirty. Then, that means that he should wear the collar. Look, it all boils down to who's holding the whip...better it's you. He needs some disciplinin'.

I have no idea but I've been married for 8 yrs. My problem is I have an overactive sex drive and my husband has almost no interest in anything....I do. He says he puts up with my issues(my high sex drive) and utterly ignores me most of the time. Otherwise I get zero affection. I've a suggestion why not get a large dog that can wear the collar and tell him you don't feel comfortable with it. It's not right him making you do stuff you aren't comfortable with and it takes 2 to make a marriage.....him seeing a counselor might not be a bad idea and has nothing to do w/ you having AS

If you put a little salt peter in his food he will be unable to obtain an erection. They give it to little kids in summer camps them from whacking off. Look around they might have it in pill form.

I have been married for over 25 years and it's been rocky. He doesn't like my Aspie traits but says he doesn't want to lose me. The reason he didn't get sex/physical affection from me is because he commented about other women and how attractive they were and I obsessed about it. I couldn't handle it. Is there something like that going on, or is it more that he wants you to do things you're not comfortable with?

~Kate

You don't have any sexual shortcomings. He's being competely unreasonable. Bondage? Collars? Are you effin kidding me??? Excitement is lacking in his life and he's trying to compensate with some new and exotic sex play.

Buy him an introductory flying lesson, or a dangerous motorcycle or something. Take a vacation to Hawaii.

It sounds as if he feels entitled to this??? No.

He was unfaithful in the past? Sounds like a real jerk. Consider this: someone must have introduced him to bondage...

I tried anti anxiety meds briefly and it changed me for the worse. I actually asked to split during that time and picked a fight with a friend who was also a former mistress of his. I could have been in the right a little, but things were inappropriately handled. Me may at this point just be pissed at me and manipulating me as he always does. Being an aspie (and not will all of us, but me for certain) I can't 'read' the situation and have to rely on his input, and it may be taken advantage of.

I'm going to say something to him tonight. I am working with a specialist on Adult Aspergergers and our problems it our sex life because of it. He may just have to accept that I will never be the vixen he wants. If I could be what he wants, I would in a heartbeat...I long to be free in that way, but it may just not be a possibility and I mourn that.

I think that perhaps he's pushing me now because he may not want to truly be with me and is finding a way to push me out. I know he's not happy either. I love him and he says he loves me. We have young children and a bills, but I can't really afford to live on my own. That will be the challenge.

If he can't accept me then perhaps it's for the best in the long run. But he has to be the one to say it this time. Not me.

Most marriages have areas where one partner has desires the other partner doesn't. Somehow you have to find some common ground that each of you can live with. Otherwise, you have a situation where one partner's desires are completely shut off, and that's a ticking time bomb. It's almost a given that sooner or later, that partner will cheat because he/she isn't getting what they need.

To me, his cheating is a huge red flag that says he's not ready to make a commitment to you, despite the fact that you've been married for 15 years. Personally, I wouldn't live another day with a man who did that, but that's something only you can determine.

Regarding the bondage thing, exactly how "light" does he mean? If he means tying you to the bed or some such, well ... that doesn't seem so terribly onerous to me. My husband used to tie me up on occasion, but he did it in such a way that I could get free if I really wanted to, which was the key for me. I wouldn't have done it otherwise. Perhaps you could work out something like that. Or maybe put very strict time limits on how long you'll be tied.

I'm not trying to make light of your discomfort with bondage, but there are worse things he could want. And again, both of you need to be willing to compromise.

I wish you the best.

Well, after our talk I feel better. He says light and it involves a collar and cuffs, but he really doesn't want me to be restricted to where I can't get free. It is very much out of my comfort zone and I told him that, but if I had a bottle of wine handy then I would be more receptive when the time came. But I get to pick out the equipment. There was the compromise. He is ill with at this time is an unidentified autoimmune disorder that worries us all because it involves a lot of symptoms but the most stressing is chest pain, heart palpitations, numbness in his arms and the like all stemming from inflammation. Primarily in the medium blood vessels in his body. He also develops large blood clots frequently that so far have been deemed superficial, but could lead to DVT. We discussed how he feels, how worried he is and that he just wants to feel that he's lived his life to the fullest. Just in case. Okay, I get that. I expressed that I would like to spend more quality time with him and our family for those very reasons. He needs not only my interest in him, but to spend one on one time with our daughters that is quality time and fun for them. I do almost everything around the home and if he were to do more then I would have time and energy for involving myself in his interests, which doesn't just include sex. He has other hobbies that I could join him in. Such as he is a shooter and I said that once a month I would go with him and compete. That made him happy. It's always mis-communication with us and we do need to work on that. He expressed interest in talking to my Dr...even though he's not a marriage counselor, he might be able to educate my hubby on some of the issues that Aspies can have in relationships. Balance may yet be achieved...eventually. In the meantime I guess I just need to be blatant and quit walking on eggshells and just spit it out and try to be objective when he expresses his point of view. If I just say, "Hey, look, I don't get what's happening here or how to feel about it and I'm stressed about it." and he gets a chance to tell me his side, it might help. Thanks for listening everyone. You don't know how much of a help you all have been. I'm so glad I'm not alone anymore.