Sick of Inability to Relate to Others, resulting Alienation

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Ok, first of all, it's nice to see stories I relate to here.

I guess it started in first grade for me, at least that is the first time I remember the thought. The thought is still very clear to me, although I don't remember exactly what triggered it. That thought was: I am different than everyone else. I was 6 years old.

I have not been diagnosed, but it is comforting to see so many people that think similarly to me. I am sick of offending people (or having to always preface with precautionary language), not being able to relate to people, and being ridiculed for being monotone/robotic, not being able to make or maintain eye contact, and overall differences from other people.

I scored around 30 on the AQ, I have always had an extremely odd ability to remember phone numbers, and as a child I would constantly "play games" with numbers in my head. For instance, if I would see a number on a road sign like "531" I would "burt out" in my head, "6.2!" (31/5).

I view social situations oddly, I categorize facts about certain situations, I learn social norms on a theoretical level, instead of the normal (So I'm told) practice of just sort of implementing them unconsciously. I have tricked people into thinking I am extroverted (HA!!), yet they do not know how taxing social situations are for me.

I used to justify it by telling myself social situations and making friends is too simple for me to care about, you just act like everyone else, dress like everyone else, etc. But I now realize that was mere justification for my lack of ability/caring to engage socially. I still search for people I can relate to, even though it they are few and far between. However, when I do meet someone that roughly meets this definition, I tend to overwhelm them with talking about my "passions." Both of these situations (not being able to relate, and scaring off people I somewhat relate to) and my hatred of failure, has often lead me to be reclusive and avoid these situations altogether. The resulting feeling of alienation is overwhelming at times, yet I have an extreme amount of trouble describing this to others, even my girlfriend, who cares deeply for me.

I often respond to people's emotional needs with unwanted logic and reasoning, rather than the desired emotional support. An ex-gf once called me, in tears, from the airport. She missed her flight, and for some reason it would be hundreds more to fly out to a much sought after vacation. I foolishly proceeded to calmly explain the economic principle of sunk costs, which would urge her to go. She hung up on me.

My Aspie-ness has increased as I've been in law school, as it gave me an outlet for a "singular obsession." I often put off other students, yet relate incredibly well with professors. I am made fun of, and ostracized, and I am deeply hurt by this, as law is my passion. While I consciously limit talking during class, afterward, I ramble on endlessly about it, and I feel terrible about that, at least after the fact, or when I stop talking and the other person is not even paying attention at all. I may be aspie, but I'm not stupid, I can tell after the fact...somewhat.

My sister is SEVERELY Autistic and mentally disabled, to the point where she cannot live on her own, and I have recently learned that autism is extremely genetic.

I am HIGHLY functional and professionally very competent. I believe my intelligence and memory has made up for some of the problems, and I can implement my knowledge of social situations to "appear normal" but it is very taxing. I go days without eating when I get absorbed in my favorite subject. I don't shower sometimes, or clean my room. (embarrassing, but true.)

I am glad I found this site, but I wonder if it matters to go get professionally diagnosed. Ive always had a certain disdain for psychology as I often felt it took responsibility away from people. not sure if anyone will even read this, but what do you think? Besides the diagnosis, it seems therapeutic to talk some of this out, even online.

Thanks.

Well, if you are here, it definitely matters to you. Besides, having a diagnosis can't hurt you, it can only help you. You don't have to disclose it to anyone, but if you need a diagnosis, and don't have one, then it can be a problem.

You don't have to actually relate to people, you simply have to acknowledge that they may be experiencing difficulties or certain situations along with positive or negative emotions associated with that situation.

For example, when I was a Freshman in college I was taking a course which I found quite easy. One day, I happened to be the last one out of the class along with another girl, who turned to me and in quite an exasperated way said "This is the most difficult class I've ever taken!"

My initial inclination was to say what I was thinking, which was "Really? How can is possibly be difficult?" However before I spoke up, it occurred to me that if she perceived this course as difficult, and I perceived it as easy, there must have been some fundamental differences in our brain to account for that. I also remembered that I've had difficulty with subjects many people would consider easy and basic, and every time I was ridiculed for it, it upset me because I was frustrated that people don't understand that "easy" really just depends on how well one's brain is wired to perform a particular task or process certain information, and nothing to do with the actual complexity of the task or information.

Though I never actually related to her on the matter of this specific course being difficult, I did accept it was difficult for her. I also concluded that she must have said such a thing to elicit empathy, either as a form of reassurance that she was not the only one with difficulty in the course, or she just wanted verification that she was not the only one having difficulty with school, so I responded in a way that acknowledged her situation and provided her with the confirmation she was seeking though I didn't actually related to her difficulty with that course, by saying "Yeah, I have a course that I have to study 5 hours a day for..."


People generally just want you to be aware of the variables in their life so you can interact with them accordingly.

RIght, I understand your point, and I have taken up some techniques like this. Believe it or not, one professor has taught a section of a class on how to empathize. everyone thought it was so stupid, while I really enjoyed it and could use it.

I've gotten better, but it's much easier in a professional setting, where there is much more structure.

I have often felt phony in situations that you describe above, a feeling and quality I hate. But I suppose this it the world we live in, and in the end, I would probably prefer to be phony and forget about it, than be perceived as a jerk.

Appreciate your opinion. Thank you. Insightful.

Welcome aboard the Wrong Planet, Paul.

Hi, I just posted my own first post, and all the stuff you said is pretty much what I decided to leave out of mine because I felt it was getting too long for anyone to bother reading. I remember being in 4th grade and taking a notebook out to the playground to "document the social habits" of other children, and since then I've had a running list of social rules going in my head. I also have the habit of latching on to the first person that seems to relate to me and blabber at them until they are sick of me. I scored a 42 on the AQ. I feel proud of that for some reason. Maybe because it is some sort of proof that I really belong with this group of people that are so much like me.

Hello and welcome to WrongPlanet PaulMC

I enjoyed reading your post, and I can relate to quite a few of the things you said (eventho I am a woman).

And Chronos, your message is full of wisdom! its nice that you were able to "process" your thoughts so well before talking, and your reply to the girl was great.

Hi Paul, Glad you are here. Thank you for your eloquent posting. It raises many thoughts for me. I found out I was aspie in May and went in October to the experts in NYC to obtain a real diagnosis, as I too am working on an advanced degree and wanted paperwork in place if I needed advice for any services in the future.

I found the local organization for AS and it came highly recommended. They have many resources, including advice, workshops and conferences, groups, outings, etc. (that I should start using more when I am not in night class!) This includes events for significant others, parents, young adults, adults, adult women, spouses, educators, etc.

I don't know where you are, but places like the two I've seen may have ideas (or even phone advising).

Good luck, and welcome!

Definitely get diagnosed, see a professional and get testing done if you can. Just remember that it takes awhile to get a professional diagnosis. The test means nothing. Psychologists always tells me diagnosis means very little, what matters most is finding treatment and achieving self-actualization. (which means what you want it too). I'm told this is like learning to ride a bicycle. It means something different to me, as it took me about 8 hours to do so

From what I've seen in my family, I'd access you as being on the spectrum. Somewhere. Think positively: You have a job, You are a professional, You are able to keep a job too. Alot of people with these issues don't get that far, my family as an example. Think instead of the 15% who strive ahead, but instead the 75% who fall somewhere behind you.

Improve to reach where you need to go. Don't be down on yourself, remember not everyone with this diagnosis is going to achieve what you have.

Welcome to WrongPlanet.

The WP Kink