Page 1 of 3 [ 45 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2, 3  Next

jc6chan
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 21 Oct 2009
Age: 30
Gender: Male
Posts: 11,257
Location: Waterloo, ON, Canada

16 Dec 2010, 4:04 pm

I am actually in the same boat as you, although the reasons behind this lack of friendship of the opposite sex maybe different.

For me, I was somehow brainwashed by the media that as soon as a female sees a male she is thinking about sex and flirting and stuff. While love at first sight do happen, the reality is that most first encounters of a male and female is seen as encounters between 2 human beings.

I still lack female friends but thats because I have switched to another program and my old program was almost 100% guys.



Pandora_Box
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 12 Dec 2010
Age: 33
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,299

16 Dec 2010, 8:21 pm

Don't worry all my female friends are pixelated. ;)

Sorry, I couldn't resist the comment.



bobbysands
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

User avatar

Joined: 22 Nov 2010
Age: 48
Gender: Male
Posts: 30

17 Dec 2010, 8:20 am

Keeno wrote:
bobbysands wrote:

Another problem I've encountered is talking to girls online. When they find out who I am, they put up defensive blocks against me and don't want to know me anymore. They might say "BRB (Be right back)", or they may completely ignore me again. There is a tactic, you could try - disguise yourself as a woman online in chatrooms, but only talk to girls.



What aspect of who you are has made them put up blocks?


Ethnic and race issues, are the aspects of who I am which has made girls put up blocks against me. I've seen it in real life from my own eyes and also online.

This however depends on the girls' state of mind as well. Obviously they lack an understanding towards men with AS and general acceptance of the man with whom is communicating with them. So in mv view, basically the ball is in THEIR court.

It's taken me until my 28th/29th year to have a female friend, and she was born before 1968 and as for girls born after 1980, I've made two female friends in real life and one other on a social networking-website as well. This wasn't possible pre-October 2007.



Keeno
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 8 Mar 2006
Age: 45
Gender: Male
Posts: 4,875
Location: Earth

17 Dec 2010, 12:02 pm

Definitely the ball is in their court. It's another of these things about online chat that makes me hesitate to recommend it to anyone, both genders being guilty of more unabashed discrimination than it's socially acceptable to get away with offline. In my experience - this isn't an ethnic and race issue as such, but if I'm chatting online with people worldwide, unsurprisingly there are more Americans than anything because of population size. American people very often throw tantrums just because I have told them I'm from a location other than the USA. I find that very lamentable.



Mindslave
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 14 Nov 2010
Age: 32
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,034
Location: Where the wild things wish they were

17 Dec 2010, 10:36 pm

Making friends depends on two people: you, and the prospective friend. So it's not just how you act, it's how they act. Choosing the right girls to talk to is very important. The important thing to remember is that girls see every guy as a potential mate. It's not societal, it's biological, since women are the ones who give birth. So of course women are going to be pickier with friends as well. So at this point, is your goal to make a female friend, or to make a new friend (that might just be female)?



CaptainTrips222
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 30 Mar 2009
Age: 39
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,100

21 Dec 2010, 12:33 am

deadeyexx wrote:
Why so nervous? Talking to girls as friends is no different than talking to guys. You must be hung up on romantic/sexual involvement somehow.

Cut it out.


What an obnoxious reply.



Chummy
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 14 Dec 2010
Age: 26
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,312
Location: Micronesia

21 Dec 2010, 11:39 am

It's because of that bloody Y chromosome.

I must admit recently I had about 0 female friends. From personal experience you need (and I too, don't worry) more self confidence. Do some sports to boost your hormones and thus you will (100%) be more comfortable around gals. Also try to phone them once in every so often and take initiative. Remember not to expect too much, it's just being friends unless you actually want relationship that opens a new can of worms.



Chummy
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 14 Dec 2010
Age: 26
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,312
Location: Micronesia

21 Dec 2010, 11:39 am

It's because of that bloody Y chromosome.

I must admit recently I had about 0 female friends. From personal experience you need (and I too, don't worry) more self confidence. Do some sports to boost your hormones and thus you will (100%) be more comfortable around gals. Also try to phone them once in every so often and take initiative. Remember not to expect too much, it's just being friends unless you actually want relationship that opens a new can of worms.



bobbysands
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

User avatar

Joined: 22 Nov 2010
Age: 48
Gender: Male
Posts: 30

22 Dec 2010, 7:50 am

CaptainTrips222 wrote:
deadeyexx wrote:
Why so nervous? Talking to girls as friends is no different than talking to guys. You must be hung up on romantic/sexual involvement somehow.

Cut it out.


What an obnoxious reply.


I fully agree. Non-aspies suffer a complete degree of ignorance towards the aspie community and our respecitve challenges. We aspies have a right to be with someone of the opposite gender, aspie or not, plutonic or beyond. Anyone who disagrees with this, has a serious problem.



KillerBunny123
Butterfly
Butterfly

User avatar

Joined: 6 Dec 2010
Age: 24
Gender: Male
Posts: 12

22 Dec 2010, 8:18 am

I have the opposite problem (if you can call it a problem, i'm not complaining), most of my friends are girls, only 2/3 are guys, one of whom is gay and acts more like a girl, you'd understand if you met him. The main thing is finding people you can trust and who will accept you for who you are. A lot of girls aren't like that, at my school at least, but they do exist. Just be yourself just the same as you would when you talk to guys, it's hardly rocket science.



deadeyexx
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 10 Sep 2007
Age: 39
Gender: Male
Posts: 758

22 Dec 2010, 9:35 am

bobbysands wrote:
CaptainTrips222 wrote:
deadeyexx wrote:
Why so nervous? Talking to girls as friends is no different than talking to guys. You must be hung up on romantic/sexual involvement somehow.

Cut it out.


What an obnoxious reply.


I fully agree. Non-aspies suffer a complete degree of ignorance towards the aspie community and our respecitve challenges. We aspies have a right to be with someone of the opposite gender, aspie or not, plutonic or beyond. Anyone who disagrees with this, has a serious problem.


I did not say cut out trying to make female friends. I just said that removing sexual intent (even underlying) is a must to do so. Guys and girls are a filtered version of themselves with each other if that factor still exists and therefore, can't really become friends.

Have a couple female friends who started as sexual partners, but that part died, and we still kept in touch and are now fully platonic. Declaring no romantic interest from the start could also work, but I haven't really tried it to know.

Aspies have a hard enough time just socializing. Why not remove as many complications as possible?



bobbysands
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

User avatar

Joined: 22 Nov 2010
Age: 48
Gender: Male
Posts: 30

22 Dec 2010, 4:39 pm

deadeyexx wrote:
bobbysands wrote:
CaptainTrips222 wrote:
deadeyexx wrote:
Why so nervous? Talking to girls as friends is no different than talking to guys. You must be hung up on romantic/sexual involvement somehow.

Cut it out.


What an obnoxious reply.


I fully agree. Non-aspies suffer a complete degree of ignorance towards the aspie community and our respecitve challenges. We aspies have a right to be with someone of the opposite gender, aspie or not, plutonic or beyond. Anyone who disagrees with this, has a serious problem.


I did not say cut out trying to make female friends. I just said that removing sexual intent (even underlying) is a must to do so. Guys and girls are a filtered version of themselves with each other if that factor still exists and therefore, can't really become friends.

Have a couple female friends who started as sexual partners, but that part died, and we still kept in touch and are now fully platonic. Declaring no romantic interest from the start could also work, but I haven't really tried it to know.

Aspies have a hard enough time just socializing. Why not remove as many complications as possible?


Here is a scenario.

I had a female friend at work for nine months. We used to chat almost daily on instant messaging, whilst we worked. We shared secrets and had lots in common. Obviously things have changed with her moving to a different office and now working longer hours and even taking her work home and she has less freedom than used to. Even if I dropped a "Hi" message, I don't get a response now. So I don't bother to acknowledge her anymore. So I say to myself she's lost me as a friend, but I will make a new female friend as a replacement to her, during the new year.

What is the best start to remove any complications first? Your advice would help a long way.



deadeyexx
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 10 Sep 2007
Age: 39
Gender: Male
Posts: 758

22 Dec 2010, 4:50 pm

bobbysands wrote:
What is the best start to remove any complications first? Your advice would help a long way.


The work friend thing was a sweet situation that removed them all for you. When it's a co-worker, you both know pretty well that nothing past friendship can progress.

I'd suggest either another work friend, or a friend based on common interest, or a girl who already has a bf. A solid barrier is healthy and disarming.



bobbysands
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

User avatar

Joined: 22 Nov 2010
Age: 48
Gender: Male
Posts: 30

22 Dec 2010, 5:09 pm

deadeyexx wrote:
bobbysands wrote:
What is the best start to remove any complications first? Your advice would help a long way.


The work friend thing was a sweet situation that removed them all for you. When it's a co-worker, you both know pretty well that nothing past friendship can progress.

I'd suggest either another work friend, or a friend based on common interest, or a girl who already has a bf. A solid barrier is healthy and disarming.


There are certain reasons I don't wish to go into online at length as to why I won't make another female friend at work, because of the things I shared with my former female friend vice versa. and she was born after 1980. The common interests me and my ex-friend have, may not exist with other female colleagues or in my next and new female friend, when that appears.

But I have a few other female friends on another website, but they are only online. I guess the best thing I can do, is just be friendly and proffesional and only talk to the girls, when the occassion permits.



SacredOreo
Butterfly
Butterfly

User avatar

Joined: 21 Dec 2010
Age: 26
Gender: Male
Posts: 16
Location: Los Angeles

22 Dec 2010, 9:16 pm

Simonono wrote:
I have never had a real life female friend. I thought I did at the beginning of college but I think I screwed that up by barely talking to her at all because I am so shockingly shy. I don't think I can ever, ever talk to a girl or at least communicate properly because I turn to ice from being so incredibly nervous. I haven't learned to talk to girls like I should have done at school so I am completely screwed now, and for the future. :cry:



Yeah same here, i never really learned how to talk to girls, as i get nervous and i'm very shy


_________________
"When the power of love overcomes the love of power, the world will know peace.? - Jimi Hendrix


bobbysands
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

User avatar

Joined: 22 Nov 2010
Age: 48
Gender: Male
Posts: 30

23 Dec 2010, 2:39 pm

SacredOreo wrote:
Simonono wrote:
I have never had a real life female friend. I thought I did at the beginning of college but I think I screwed that up by barely talking to her at all because I am so shockingly shy. I don't think I can ever, ever talk to a girl or at least communicate properly because I turn to ice from being so incredibly nervous. I haven't learned to talk to girls like I should have done at school so I am completely screwed now, and for the future. :cry:



Yeah same here, i never really learned how to talk to girls, as i get nervous and i'm very shy


I was the same as you Simonono, about 6 years ago.

But the only way you combat this is going to a self-esteem course. But a week after I went on a 6-week self-esteem course, I want to share one of my experiences with you. I won't reveal the place I once temped at, but in November 2007, I was asked by a female colleague to perform a task for her. One of my colleagues jokingly asked me to get the lady's phone number, But I was so scared having to talk to her. I felt so sick with fear. I kept being stood next to my fellow-dyslexic's friend. I also remember a female temp returned for a second and final stint when we reintroduced ourselves, I stood next to my fellow dyslexic friend.