Question about boyfriend with AS...

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I've been in and out of a relationship for 4 years with a man who has AS. He has not been diagnosed. I work on a daily basis with individuals with AS and this is how I know he has it. I've never brought up the subject with him. I know he's never even heard of AS and he surely doesn't know he has it. After one of our breakups, I sent him an email explaining AS and why I thought he has it. He never responded to the email. I'm not even sure he read it. We got back together and the subject never came up. Here we are, a year later, and another breakup later, and I have still have not brought up AS. So, I sent him Tony Attwood's book on AS with a note saying that he should read the book because I think it would help to explain so many things about him. That was 2 weeks ago and I haven't heard from him. Should I leave him alone? Or should I contact him and ask if he'd like to talk about it? We are two educated individuals with college degrees. I'm a special education teacher and he has a degree in engineering as well as a Masters degree. And I guess neither one of us knows what to do. Any advice would greatly be appreciated!

Hard to say, but give it a week and try contacting again.

I agree with Wallourdes on this one or even even a month then try calling him and tell him that you need to talk and find the right time to tell him of course.

I don't know exactly how he will take it but the chances are, it could either be a relieve for him if he never knew why he seemed so different or rather upsetting?


- SBI.

Hi. All I know is that he'll need to accept first that he probably has AS and hopefully go for a formal diagnosis.

Maybe give it until the new year and then contact him to see if he wants to talk about it? You can use the start of a new year as a fresh beginning armed with this not-so-new knowledge.

Reading the posts here, it is terrible that a lot of people don't find out they have AS until well into their 30s. It's both a shock and a relief. How old is your boyfriend? He's either in denial or it is taking him this long to digest AS since the first time you brought it up.

Am sorry am not much help.

We are both 49. Thanks for the response.

I'm beginning to think that I've offended him by sending the book. I'll "let it be' for a while.

People do not take kindly to being called disordered especially someone with an education like that. I think the best way to approach it is "you know how you do this..." or simply describing you read something that sounded like you before mentioning Asperger's.

I know from experience that it's really frustrating having this insight about someone you love that just seems so right, that would make his life so much better if only he knew!

If it's been two weeks since you gave him the book and the letter and he hasn't talked to you about it, and he normally talks about things you make a point of telling him, then he probably doesn't want to talk about it. I don't know him personally, but a couple things struck me when I read your post...

I think you said the first time you raised the issue of AS was when you had recently broken up and hadn't gotten back together? I could see him interpreting the email as a way of venting whatever your disagreements were with him and using a diagnostic label to get the upper hand and make yourself seem superior (e.g., broader perspective, more empathetic, more "normal" and therefore more legitimate, etc.). Given the situation, it might not have been clear you had his best interests at heart, you know? If that's true, then if you brought up AS again, he would associate it with that bad feeling and that might make him want to avoid the subject, so he doesn't have to bring up all the bad old memories and perhaps fight about them again. (Again, this could be totally wrong, I'm mostly going off of experience here).

Also, especially if he really does have AS, he likely sees his behavior very differently than you do. He may be entirely unaware of the behavior you think AS explains, or he may interpret it through a very different lens. Thus, he might not feel like the label "explains everything."

(Sorry I don't understand, but if you're a special education teacher and you were in a relationship with him for 4 years, how would he never have heard of AS? Surely you bring it up in conversation every so often? Maybe he has ideas from that about what AS is, and what it means to you?)

I have a couple of questions...
1) When you gave him the book, were you together or broken up at the time? Are you together now? Sorry if I've missed something obvious here. Not to state the obvious, but it seems like that'd affect whether and how you should talk to him about it.

2) It sounds like it'd help to sound out what he knows and believes about AS and why he thinks you're trying to diagnose him. Will he tell you how he feels about things or whether he wants to talk about a topic on his own, or do you normally only get this information by asking him directly? My first instinct would be to suggest you let him choose whether or when to talk to you about it, but if he's the sort who doesn't make his thoughts or feelings known without prompting, then you should probably start the conversation instead. I do think it's important to have a meeting of the minds about this, though, whether or not he thinks he has AS. If you have conflict about this and don't discuss it at some point, it seems like it could hurt the relationship.

I guess my original post left out a lot of information. There's just so much that has happened over the 4 year period, that it would be impossible to explain everything. Also, we have not been together consistently for 4 years. We break up a lot.

The first time I mentioned AS to him was after our second breakup. I wrote to him in a very loving and caring way. I told him that I only wanted to help him understand why I thought things always turned out the way they did for him in personal relationships. I mostly pointed out the positive things about AS, and did my best to explain how I thought those things applied to him and how, unfortunately, those same attributes can cause difficulties. I even gave him links to useful websites. However, I'm not even 100% sure he read the email. We got back together a few weeks after I sent it, but we never talked about it.

I think he is aware that he's different. He has said several times that he just "tries to fit in." After the second break up, he said to me, "I'll never be in a relationship again. I can't get it right." (That's what prompted me to send the email about AS. I felt so bad for him when he said that.)

Also, yes, I am a special education teacher, but whenever I talk about my students, I speak in general terms. I never say, "Oh, guess what the student with AS did today?" or, "You wouldn't believe what the student with traumatic brain injury said to me." I just don't speak of my students in terms of their disabilities. So that's why I've never discussed AS with him.

I did not personally give him the book. I mailed it to him and sent an email explaining why I had sent it. Again, none of this was done in a hurtful or insulting way. We were broken up at the time. We're still broken up and I haven't heard from him since. However, he's been visiting family in another state for the past week, so I doubt that he'd even try to contact me during that time.

He basically would not bring up any "touchy" subject on his own. Whenever we've had problems in our relationship in the past, he competely withdraws for days at a time. Eventually, I go to his house, and he acts as though nothing has happened. Or we break up. So it's extremely difficult for me to figure out the right time and the right words.

So, at this point I'm still lost. I'll give it more time and maybe try to contact him I suppose. The problem is that he probably won't answer my calls or reply to email. He'll do this for months at a time when we break up. And I'd hate to randomly show up at his house when he wouldn't be expecting me. That deffinitley wouldn't work as a way to speak with him about this.

Soooo, what do you think now?

I am in a similiar situation. I wrote an email like you did a little over a year ago. It was much like yours..as loving and supportive as I could make it. We did eventually begin interacting again 4 months later and that email has never been mentioned.

When the two of you break up and do not talk for months, how do you typically re-establish contact?

One of us (usually me) contacts the other about something not really important. For instance, once he contacted me to see if I wanted his old printer. Another time, I contacted him about helping me do something in EXCEL. How do you typically re-establish contact?

How long have you been in the relationship? How many times have the two of you broken up? What was the longest breakup?