How do folks with aspergers deal with bereavement

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Since some folks with aspergers have difficulty with dealing with emotions, how did folks deal with bereavements . I know that it is a very unpleasant topic but as parents, if we are not around to help the child, I wanted an insight around what we can do to teach the kid about the inevitabilities of life..

Great question and one that I asked too a few months back. Unfortunately this topic is not researched nor understood. Some Aspies just grieve like NTs (at least that is what they say).. I cannot do that as I am an Aspie with more flat or immature emotions.

My Father passed away a few months back and I am working with a psychologist now towards this goal. I think (for me) it isn't about what I feel or what I think but what I do. I have begun a few new projects that are keeping me ultra busy and are in honor of my Father. That seems to be making my defense symptoms and anxiety go away.

When a loved one dies I'm usually very saddened, but don't seem to express my emotions outwardly. When talking about it I usually speak very bluntly, probably causing others to see me as cold or uncaring. Other times I can cry unexpectedly. I have always hated funerals and viewings because there will be alot of people crying, hugging, shaking hands, and I can never seem to get that close to somebody in a social situation. Though I genuinely want to comfort them I can't seem to get over my social awkwardnes.

When such a big thing happens, I grieve like others (at least I think I do). But I always try to to focus on my normal tasks like my job and my friends. In some ways it is easy, since I can separate myself from these emotions, but I still have to deal with them.

The more difficult part for me is to look out for friends or family who have more difficulty. Seeing that is the most difficult thing, because I do not notice it or show my sympathies. I learned myself some things to do or to say. That is a bit 'acting', but the thought behind it is genuine.

My advice for you:
- grieving is different for everybody, just let him focus on the 'normal life'
- learn him the socially acceptable actions, so he does not hurt anyone who is grieving or sad also

This may sound bad but having a much cared about childhood pet (and the usual outcome given our different life expectencies) can help learning how to deal with grief. We all grieve differently (NT or Aspie alike), it can be hard because of the loss of the person and the change in routine (possibly like lots of people).

From my own experience of grief, I may feel sad (at the time) but my real emotion as regards the grief may happen as much as five years later. Most people have dealt with the same grief years before and react with confusion to my grief that is 'fresh'. Sometimes I react like normal and sometimes an event triggers the the grief depending on the situation and my connection to the person (and whether I have to mind someone). If I don't have to mind someone, I will usually grieve more easily.

Perhaps to talk about it (in the absence of experience of childhood pets).

I think the grieving process depends on a number of factors. It is impossible to predict how someone will react, and their reactions may vary from one time to the next. The social aspects of funerals and burials can be some what difficult for someone with Asperger's. In fact, some of these things, if they are not given room to process in their own way, can be more traumatic than helpful.

In my own experience, I tend to grieve by crying. Depending on the level of attachment I have to someone, I may cry for a day or two, sometimes maybe a week. I want to be alone when I grieve, as having others around interrupts my ability to process my emotions. This means that funerals are counterproductive for me, as I spend the entire time focused on appropriate social interaction. My attachment to a person is not linked to their physical body, so I will not view the body by choice. Being forced to do so is somewhat traumatic for me.

That said, I guess one good strategy is to help the child to learn how they process their feelings and to not be afraid to ask others for the space they need to do so.

My experience has been much like this. Grief is internalized, I wouldn't know how to express it on the surface as others do. They cry and emote while I stand in the corner and watch uncomfortably. My own emotion will erupt later, when I'm alone, sometimes prompted by something that would seem to anyone else completely unrelated. I do not feel the need as NTs seem to, to share the experience of my grief with others. But just because I'm not reacting visibly, it doesn't mean I feel nothing. Its just a very private and internal experience. I can go on about my daily routines, but the emotions are digesting slowly in the background.

When I've lost pets, the reaction was immediate and straightforward. When I've lost people, it was much more complex and difficult for me to sort, and others assume I'm not mourning at all.

I have lost my parents and my grandparents and some cousins. For some reason I am not broken up by it. It is not that I don't miss them, mind you, but I simply am not moved to extremes of sorrows.

I put that to work. For many years I served in the Haveruah Kadesha , the Jewish burial society. We prepare the bodies of deceased people (men to males, females do females) for burial by washing the bodies in a ceremonial fashion and wrapping them in a simple shroud. Jews do not embalm their dead and normally do not cremate them unless there is a pressing health reason to do so.

As a result I was able to function in this manner without getting bent out of shape or broken up. I even had the occasion for preparing the bodies of some of my friend. I thank G-D that I never had to do a child. I do not know if I could have stood preparing a child for burial.

ruveyn

Be honest and don't ever--EVER--tell them dying is just like going to sleep.

I don't think kids will understand the concept until they're about 5, though. There was this 4-year-old I know who saw her mom in the coffin and saw it being buried, but for the next several days she kept asking where her mom was until it finally dawned on her what her mom being dead meant.

I've lost 2 grandparents in the last couple years and both time I pretty much just shut down. I withdraw into myself even more, even less talkative and less social than normal even around close friends and family and I'll do little outside of what's required of me (eating, work if I couldn't take off). The strongest effects seem to last one or two days but lingering effects can last up to a week or so.

I cry sometimes but feel uncomfortable doing it where someone might see me, which is more a function of groing up in a house where emotional displays were not acceptable than neurology. I spend time alone and try to use my percieved coldness to prop up anyone who has become a wreck.

i lost my dad about 6 months ago and my mom about 13 years ago.people told me i was stoic emotionless.they though i was the strongest one in dealing with both loses.the loss of my mom definatly afected my younger sister more than me.however i do experience extreme grief sometimes.i guess with me its all or nothing.my wife told me i showed no emotion when my father died.some days i feel overwhelmed by grief

I seem to get over any sadness more quickly than a NT. I have a very hard time comforting those who are grieving. After a certain point, I just want to tell them that it's silly to continue acting like the world has ended. I think the only exceptions I would make in that coldness are the loss of a child or parent.

I have a friend who recently lost his 100 year old grandfather. It's been over a week, and all he talks about is being broken. I do not understand how the end of a very long and full life would break someone. If that person mattered a great deal, why not visit frequently, and not just on the days that the person is dying? It makes me wonder if some grieving is all about garnering attention.

My mother died when I was 10 years old and I was talking recently with my younger sister about my AS-driven emotional responses, when she reminded me of something I'd said to her on the evening we'd been told that "Mum won't be coming home any more". (as if that isn't confusing enough already! )

She was in her bedroom, crying her eyes out, and I was in mine - feeling more and more annoyed at the noise she was making.
So I just shouted at her to "be quiet - it's not that bad". Apparently she hated me for weeks after that...

Fortunately, years after the event and as an adult, she now understands why I did it.
Which is more than I did at the time. It went something like: Mum has gone; that's that - I won't be seeing her again and I understand why not. So why is there so much noise coming from my sister? What's to continue screaming about?

Cold? No, just incessantly logical...

I think I have a weird way of dealing with it, if I think about the fact that the person is not around, I start analysing it and can't understand how they can't be thinking about anything anymore etc. I now just block it out by pretending that they have moved somewhere really faraway.