I think my husband has Asperger's & wants a divorse

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Hi All,

I am brand new here so I will try to not offend any. My husband and I have been together 10 years, married for 5. We have tons in common. Like a lot of the same things and rarely argue. When we first met I knew there was something different about him. He was trying to hit on a friend of mine and she had no clue. I found his social awkwardness charming and his passion for certain subjects endearing. Everyone else just thought of him as a friend because he wasn't really "smooth" and would often say the "wrong" thing. I don't know why exactly, but it never really bothered me when I saw he would comment on other women. Maybe because I trust him or because I knew he has such a great heart or when someone is that honest, I figured he would never lie about the things that really matter. What can I say, it's somehow charming to me. I liked that he wasn't like every other guy out there. In fact he isn't like any other guy out there. I have always counted myself very lucky that no one else had seen the great guy that he is.

His black and white thinking and all the "shoulds" have been hard on me. He is very perfectionistic and always has to have a plan. I have always felt like whatever I do can't possibly live up to his high standards. He likes structure and routine but that has never bothered me because I usually do too. For the most part I have just always said, "Well that's him," and things have been OK with me because I love him as he is.

Now to me. I have been coping with clinical depression since I was 16 (31 now) and recently discovered I've been dealing with social anxiety disorder my whole life. When we met I was the best I had been in years. 4 months into our relationship I graduated college and started a very stressful job. Stress has always been my biggest trigger for a depressive episode. Over the years I unintentionally pulled back because of not being properly treated for my psychological issues. My husband didn't realize the issues were what was causing me to pull away and took it personally. In reaction, he pulled away. The passion left our relationship and romantic love died. My husband points to 3 years ago when I was extremely busy at work and on the verge of a mental breakdown as when his "love" for me went away. I say, "love" because he says he still loves me as a person and cares a lot about me but he isn't "in love" with me anymore. He had thought he was OK with a marriage without romantic love but realized over this summer that he wasn't.

We have both done individual counseling and couples. He is very set in the idea that his love for me is gone forever and only really did couples was to appease me. He said he would only go 4 times to see if anything would come back but we spent the whole time trying to figure out what exactly was missing for him in our relationship. Turns out it's a deep emotional attachment to me which we found out after he called it quits on the couples counseling. It was just days after getting my anxiety completely under control and making me able to be fully present in our relationship. Now he says he is 51% sure he wants a divorce. I have tried to be logical with him and given him examples as love returning for others but he isn't sure if they will or not. Usually be logical with him when we disagree works but now I understand I was just pushing him away by invalidating his feelings.

He keeps putting his "shoulds" onto our relationship and I feel like I'm being tested all the time. When he hugs me, he should feel a certain way. He should miss me all the time when we aren't together. The list goes on and on. I believe he doesn't feel what he should because we have disconnected but he sees it as an indication that his feelings won't come back. Neither of us have been completely happy with the way things have been however I have hope that we can reconnect and he has lost it. He needs proof that his feelings can come back. He is crying a lot because he says he doesn't want to divorce me but he isn't happy with the way things currently are. He is very, very confused about what he wants and what to do. We have agreed to separate for two months so he can figure things out and so I won't be pressuring him by disagreeing with him. I am devastated because I love him with every fiber of my being. I believe that if he can let me in again, he can feel something again.

One of his biggest complaints with me is I am not open enough with how I feel. This was due to my issues and I feel like I have dealt with them and am ready to really share how I feel and I want him to share with me. I don't know that either of us has really been emotionally available to the other. I know for sure I haven't been and he is pulling farther away. Regardless of what happens with us he wants to be friends and is open to work on being closer friends as long as it isn't too painful for me (as my heart is breaking). The best thing about our couples counseling is we started really talking to each other and he said he feels a little closer to me already. He just thinks it will only lead to a stronger friendship, nothing more.

My therapist and I have been talking about him possibly having Asperger's but I only knew about the extreme cases you see on TV or in movies until I started doing some research. My therapist has said that my husband's difficulty identifying what he feeling at a given time and strict ideas about the way things should be are pretty much textbook for Asperger's. I would talk to him about it so he could talk to his therapist but in my process of trying to figure out what was going on with him, he has felt judged. He got very mad at me because he felt like I was trying to change him. I was really just trying to give him another point of view but I see now how that was very hurtful for him. Like I said, I love him as he is. The only thing I get frustrated with is his stubbornness, I don't love him any less, it just bugs me sometimes. He knows this.

I would like to keep working on our emotional connection and being there for him and allowing myself to be really vulnerable with him since he is OK with working on being better friends. I just don't want him to feel pressured or manipulated. I told him the worst thing that could happen is we become better friends and he agreed. If that is what comes out of it, I will eventually be OK with it although, I of course what a deep love connection. Actually he wants one but doubts it's possible with me. I'm really at a loss as to what to do. I don't want to push him farther away but I fear that as soon as I'm gone, he'll think his missing of me is just missing a friend. I know that he should probably see a professional at some point, I just think right now, it would be a bad idea for me to suggest it.

I am hoping that you all can help me going off the assumption he has Asperger's. Any sort of advise or thoughts on the matter would be much appreciated. He has said if he sees even a tiny glimpse that his feelings of "in love" can return, he is willing to work with our couples counselor again. At that point we could address the possibility of Asperger's but I would hesitate to bring it up myself. I can't get into a new place til Feb 1, so we will be in the same house until then. We don't fight so there is no issue there. There is a lot more to this story but I have gone on quite awhile. I hope I have not offended anyone.

Thanks,
Victoria

Perhaps, since he has difficulty with his emotions, what he has identified as an "emotional connection" is actually the chemical cocktail released during romantic love. Could you address this as a starting point? It's unfortunate that many narcotics that could be helpful in reestablishing this romantic bond are unavailable even with a prescription.

He says he's 51% sure?

I'll put money down that he's somewhere on the spectrum!

I'm so sorry you're going through this. This can be so painful, almost more painful than if one of you had just cheated or done something overtly demonstrative of the marriage being in trouble. It's hard to fix something that feels so intangible. But I sincerely hope you can mend and come together again as a stronger couple. He'll definitely be missing out on someone who has loved him for who he is from Day 1 and that kind of acceptance shouldn't be taken for granted by anyone.

He can't put limits on trying to save the marriage. He can't say "four sessions". He needs to commit to "as long as it takes". Love is not something you feel, love is something you do. He made a decision to love you before, he needs to recommit to that decision. The affection (that deep inner bond) is another issue. Couples grow apart and back together. What makes a marriage last is not cutting and running the moment there's growing apart. Unless he refuses to let you grow back together, you will grow back together.

I had thought that was what he was talking about for awhile and we did talk about it. I think there is a bit of that in there but I think a real bond is what he is looking for. My depression and anxiety made me inaccessible emotionally so I understand why the bond was lost.

Thank you. I completely agree. One question though. With the last sentence, are you saying I should work cautiously on the friendship bond?

If you'll forgive the cliche simile, I'm saying this bond is like the tide. It will come in and out over time. If you wait and hold on, it will come back on its own. It's really unrealistic to think that two people will have this intense gushy bond between them forever. There are going to be rough times. Both husband and wife continue with their actions of love through the "out" time and it will be restored. There's also no shelf life to a marriage during the "out" time. The people who are married for 50+ years are the ones who figured this out and stuck to it.

My husband and I used The 5 Love Languages technique, which basically teaches 5 simple ways in which love can be understood and communicated. This was tremendous for us because it was so easy to understand, very easy to apply and yielded great results. So, even during an "out" time, we continue to love each other. But, one thing is for sure. No matter what marriage techniques you choose, it must have genuine participation of both spouses to have any chance of being effective.

Thanks for clarifying. I agree with you again. I have read the 5 love languages and tried to talk to my husband about them with limited success. I did find some help on the Marriagebuilders website We both figured out or top emotional needs and I have not been meeting 2 of his top 3 at all. Open and Honest Communication and Conversation. I had no idea those were his top needs. I was trying to love him by showing Appreciation and Affection (2 of my top needs). Knowing these things gives us a good chance if he can move past his doubt.

I think the trial separation is a good idea. It just sounds like the two of you are trying way too hard to make the love and emotions come back. Emotions don't work that way; they can't be forced. With the separation, both of you will have the time to evaluate for yourselves what the other person means. If, after the separation, you both start to miss each other, then both of you will know that there's still something left to salvage in the relationship. If that doesn't happen, I'm really sorry but beating a dead horse won't make things better. You'll know that he's yours when he comes back to you on his own volition, and vice versa.

Good luck!

Trial separations? Do they really work? I guess with distance the heart grows fonder, but... well, perhaps.

That's very true.
He sounds very aspie, trying to quantitatively measuring everything... It is sometimes really difficult to identify emotions. More than once, I thought I was "out of love" with my fiancee. Um, it was like the sparks weren't there. It wasn't the same. But a bond was still there that kept us together. Once I scoured the internet, I learned that marriage (or relationship) evolves and changes over time. It's not sparkles anymore, but that's okay. It's like a sine wave...sometimes we are closer than others, usually in a cyclical sort of way.

YES! EXACTLY! Thank you for articulating that!

I wish I could get that information to my husband. The people he's talking to aren't really helping him. I would rather not do a separation but the other option is straight to divorce. I get such mixed signals from him that I don't think he really wants a divorce, deep down, he just feels stuck. He said (while crying very hard) that he is really afraid he is making the worst mistake of his life. I said nothing but gave him a sympathetic look. It's something he has to do. I would rather that he find out than to always wonder if he stayed for me. A lot of his uncertainty comes from never dating anyone else beyond a 2nd date. I'm going with the old, if you love something set it free, if it comes back to you it's meant to be. I just hope it doesn't take him 5 years.

They work as an evaluation tool specifically in cases where you suspect that one person (or both) is taking the other person for granted. Just like how one doesn't really know exactly what a person means on an emotional level until that person's gone. This tool is not an automatic problem solver.


Yeah it's tough, especially since there are so many uncertainties involved. However, would you rather have an uncertainty like this, or the guarantee that if you both continue to force the issue, that the relationship will die? You can't change your husband's AS traits unless he himself wants the change, and there's only so much you can do right now. Especially if he is unfathomably frustrated and unsure about what he wants to do, he needs ample time to take a step back and take a deep breath... and so do you.

Victoria:

I'm very sorry to hear about your marriage. I do hope you both eventually find happiness.

Let us see what we can do.

I could offer counter arguments to his claim that he will never fall in love with you again, but I fear doing so may come across as pressuring him or may give the impression that you don't empathize with him, which may make things worse.

You might be able to communicate it by pointing out that he may not fall back in love with who you were, but I'd tell him that people are dynamic, and ask him if the chance at falling in love with the person you are becoming is so far fetched.



I don't know if your husband has AS, but people with AS need others to be open with them. Not being open with someone with AS is like taking a blind man's cane.


Then talk to him.



Most portrayals by the media are overdramatic and off base. Most individuals with AS are not so blatantly socially awkward. Many of us, as adults, can blend in fairly well and our social awkwardness only comes to the surface if you interact with us in particular circumstances. A better representation can be found on youtube.

People with AS do not have more difficulty identifying what they are feeling than the general population. If anything, I would think someone with AS is more likely to be able to identify, and articulate how they feel better than the general population. I don't know where your therapist thinks otherwise....but I speculate it may stem from a misunderstanding in perspectives. People with AS usually have different perspectives, and internal responses to situations than people without AS and this tends to pose as a "curve ball" to therapists who are used to the majority of the population having particular emotional responses to particular situations.

A situations that upsets one person, or makes them feel uneasy, may amuse me. A situation which might stress most people, may also amuse me. Where most people might be angry with another individual, I might be confounded by their lack of logic. Curious even. And of circumstances other may easily brush off, or even find comforting, I may become annoyed in. I became quite annoyed at the doctor's office the other day because I did not need anyone to empathize with me (or pretend to?), I needed them to explain my malady and the treatment for it in depth to me. But the last one is probably just me and not an universal trait of AS.



That he says you are trying to change him may be an indication of a more widespread frustration concerning the mutual dynamics between you two.



Honestly, even if he did have AS, I don't think this issue is an AS issue. I think your best shot is just being more emotionally available to your husband. Respect that he has certain needs in a relationship, whether or not you think they are reasonable and whether or not you can or will accommodate them. And I'd not just share your thoughts and emotions with him, but solicit his as well.

Oh don't get me wrong, I understand that this is really what he needs to do and that I really need to back off him. That will be much easier when I don't see him every day. So as much as I really don't want to do this, I think it is the best option at this point. Regardless of how it turns out I want to be with someone who knows that they want to be with me.

Good suggestion. I tried it and it didn't help. He says that he believes me when I say things will be different he just isn't sure.



He actually just told me almost that exact thing about 3 weeks ago. I'm very used to people being able to read me like a book so it isn't my most developed skill but I am working on it. I wish he had told me years ago.




Working on it.



Now that you say that I wonder if I misunderstood or am remembering wrong. My husband is really good at identifying and articulating how he feels, much better than I have been. The biggest thing he has had problems identifying and articulating is what he thinks is missing in our relationship. He just kept saying, "a spark, like you feel when you see someone across a room for the first time." He is good at saying what he feels but not what his feelings mean... I think. He has given me a lot of curve balls lately. He interprets feelings and information as indicators that love will never return. I think there is a real conflict between what he logically thinks and how he currently feels that is really perplexing to me and others.




I was shocked when he said he felt like I was trying to change him so I asked him what he meant. He said my looking things up to try to figure out what exactly has been going on with him and then telling him about it made him feel like I am trying to change him. I asked if he felt I was doing it in general and he said no.[/quote]



I think if he does have AS it has influenced his interpretations and some of the path we have find ourselves on but is by no means the cause of our problems. I think not understanding what each of us needs and the nature of any given problems we have (he doesn't really understand depression and anxiety and I don't know what he is going through). The reason I came here was to see where to go from here. Since his perspective is very different than mine, I'm looking for insights from possibly like minded people because I don't want to push him farther away. Maybe AS is so different for each person that there really is no like minded to be found. I just know with depression that although everyone is different there are each similarities that I can give insight that would help most people.

Your final paragraph is exactly what I am looking for. Don't worry, I will silicate his emotions as well. The plan is to seek to understand. I'm hoping that in doing so we can meet the needs that the other has in a relationship.

P.S. I also think his black and white thinking is making this so difficult for him because he wants there to be a right decision and a wrong decision. In this case I don't know that there is a way to know what is right vs wrong or if either can be right or wrong. His struggle between head and heart is obvious to me. He also doesn't seem to understand that you can decide you want to feel something and then go from there.