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Azolet
Deinonychus
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16 Jan 2011, 1:45 am

I am typically a person who does not like to rock the boat in any way, but, like with most people, it seems to be inevitable from time to time. When I find out that I have unwittingly offended someone, I oscillate between extreme panic and slight anger. Now, when I do offend someone, I try to find out what specifically I did wrong, and I try to make it right/apologize to the person. But I think things like "Omg, that person is going to hate me now!!" - and if it's someone that I hadn't known previously, I think "Omg, that is that person's first impression of me, and they're going to hate me forever now! I'll never live this one down!". This especially bothers me if the person seems decent. I know that I'm overreacting, but I'm still having trouble with this. Do you guys know what I'm talking about?



Chronos
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16 Jan 2011, 2:21 am

Sometimes people are unreasonable in the in the level of offence they take, and an apology from you is not warranted.

For example, I once managed to severely upset a man I had come into conversation with at a booth at a seminar. As it happened, he had attended the same college as I, and majored in a similar field. However he did not complete the degree. Instead, he had pursued something else, and was rather successful at it. I had made a comment which was something of the sort that his current career was probably less stressful, though he must have taken that as an implication that I thought his occupation was somehow inferior and became quite nasty about it. I attempted to rectify the situation by stating that I hadn't meant that his occupation wasn't inferior, but he didn't seem to have any interest in acknowledging a misunderstanding so I left without apologizing because he was being unreasonable.

This was simple a sore spot for him, I speculate because he saw not finishing his studies as a personal failure. If he perceives it that way in light of his success in th field he ultimately ended up in, that's his problem. I did nothing wrong.



ci
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16 Jan 2011, 2:29 am

A bunch of people at a local city building became offended because women asked me to make romantic fragrance candles. I was called immoral, degrading to women and so on. My reply was do you want me to go to the city council meeting and who the hell are you people. Over a silly soybean candle they showed their true colors toward a very well known autism and DD employment project and tried to play moral politics. Had they cared they would have told me nicely. A police officer told me of this and the man who started it is known for his moral tantrums and I think he met his match. I won't apologize because radio sponsorships did a huge campaign about misbehaving candles with a local lady and Austin powers clip as a contest to.

Besides a California law says participants including me have the right to sexuality and freedom of expression and California law trumps local city law. I don't think they will treat me like that again. If I hear another thing about it I'll call the newspapers and have someone go to a city council meeting a claim sexual harassment against the disabled 8O

Nathan


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daedal
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16 Jan 2011, 3:23 am

Same old, same old "does my hair look good?", "no, it's a bit weird, especially at the back...".
Now if I see someone's had a change, I'll get in there first with a "I like your hair!" to get it over with. Semi or full lies, especially since if I liked it I would probably go a bit over the top (embarrassing). Also if someone has had a change made to them, like their hair, I probably will feel pretty uncomfortable around them. It's worse if it's people I see every day, like my parents, but even just friends I do things with like once a month or whatever.

I've told my aunt stuff like "why on earth do you smoke, it makes you look really stupid!", but I was about 10 then, so I was forgiven.
I can't remember many more...but there have been lots!



Mindslave
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16 Jan 2011, 11:40 am

I don't care if I offend people; in fact, if I offend people, it means I've gotten through to them, depending on the subject. I used to get antsy about that, but I guess I'm more of an as*hole now than I used to be. Besides, if someone can't accept an apology, then they don't deserve one. Some people might disagree with that, but f**k them. It works for me, and as far as my conversations are concerned, that's all that matters.



Azolet
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17 Jan 2011, 3:49 pm

Mindslave wrote:
I don't care if I offend people; in fact, if I offend people, it means I've gotten through to them, depending on the subject.

That's an interesting way to look at it!



mightypen515
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31 Jan 2011, 9:15 pm

Mindslave wrote:
I don't care if I offend people; in fact, if I offend people, it means I've gotten through to them, depending on the subject. I used to get antsy about that, but I guess I'm more of an as*hole now than I used to be. Besides, if someone can't accept an apology, then they don't deserve one. Some people might disagree with that, but f**k them. It works for me, and as far as my conversations are concerned, that's all that matters.

I SO love that statement! :wink:



Bloodheart
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31 Jan 2011, 9:40 pm

Eh, I can't say I really worry too much about offending someone.

If I offend someone because of my actions that is a little different, for example;
Someone sees me on the street and shouts my name, I ignore them - I've offended them by being rude and ignorant, I feel bad because I know this is my failing and I worry that they will dislike me as a result.

If I offend someone with something I've said then I know I've meant no offence, for example;
I call someone fat, I do so because they are fat and I have not said it as an insult but as a statement of fact, it's not offensive unless they are the ones who think there is something wrong with being fat - ergo their problem, not mine.

If I offend something with the attitude of something I have said, good, for example;
I come-up against someone who is a jerk, I call them a jerk along with a whole lot of other insults put together in such a way to express my general disdain towards their very existence. If I offend them, that was the point.


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mightypen515
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01 Feb 2011, 12:47 am

Bloodheart wrote:
Eh, I can't say I really worry too much about offending someone.

If I offend someone because of my actions that is a little different, for example;
Someone sees me on the street and shouts my name, I ignore them - I've offended them by being rude and ignorant, I feel bad because I know this is my failing and I worry that they will dislike me as a result.

If I offend someone with something I've said then I know I've meant no offence, for example;
I call someone fat, I do so because they are fat and I have not said it as an insult but as a statement of fact, it's not offensive unless they are the ones who think there is something wrong with being fat - ergo their problem, not mine.

If I offend something with the attitude of something I have said, good, for example;
I come-up against someone who is a jerk, I call them a jerk along with a whole lot of other insults put together in such a way to express my general disdain towards their very existence. If I offend them, that was the point.


I SO love that statement(s), too!



League_Girl
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01 Feb 2011, 1:17 am

I have a hard time apologizing if the person was not nice to me and it doesn't matter if I had accidentally offended them. If the person acts all hostile towards me, I will not apologize because I can't deal with another conflict again. If I do get myself to apoligize, it is done in a cowardly way.

But I have recently learned you can't stop offending people because anything can offend. People seem to offend each other all the time unintentionally. So I can stop being so paranoid now. If someone gets offended, I can just say sorry they didn't like my answer. I really don't care if I offend someone if they are not nice. I also do get off my back apologies so they feel better and leave me alone. I also apologize for even asking such a question if somone gets all bent out of shape for it.

Other times I feel bad for offending someone but it depends on who I offended.

Quote:
If I offend someone with something I've said then I know I've meant no offence, for example;
I call someone fat, I do so because they are fat and I have not said it as an insult but as a statement of fact, it's not offensive unless they are the ones who think there is something wrong with being fat - ergo their problem, not mine.


Why would you want to tell somone they are fat? :?


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plutonia
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01 Feb 2011, 4:02 pm

Azolet wrote:
I am typically a person who does not like to rock the boat in any way, but, like with most people, it seems to be inevitable from time to time. When I find out that I have unwittingly offended someone, I oscillate between extreme panic and slight anger. Now, when I do offend someone, I try to find out what specifically I did wrong, and I try to make it right/apologize to the person. But I think things like "Omg, that person is going to hate me now!!" - and if it's someone that I hadn't known previously, I think "Omg, that is that person's first impression of me, and they're going to hate me forever now! I'll never live this one down!". This especially bothers me if the person seems decent. I know that I'm overreacting, but I'm still having trouble with this. Do you guys know what I'm talking about?


in a simple word, yes.

it's happened to me lots of times, as i'm sure it has to nearly every other aspie out there.

@LeagueGirl. i can also relate to your having a hard time apologizing if the person is unnecessarily hostile, etc. i'll apologize but then deep down i'll feel they really owe me one (of course i won't actually say that to them and i won't hold my breath waiting for one).
but it's also true that, asperger's or not, sometimes you're going to offend someone without realizing it. it happens with everybody.



Major_G
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04 Feb 2011, 10:57 pm

It happens all the time to me. Not always on the first time, but at some point, I always say something that unintentionally offends someone.



Zeek
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07 Feb 2011, 1:38 am

No, I seem pretty immune to this. I either don't know or don't care. When I was 5, I said to a midget "You're short" and couldn't work out why my Nana was so angry at me. With not caring it's just a case of understanding I either didn't do it on purpose or I only told them the truth.



jackbus01
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07 Feb 2011, 3:26 am

I think sometimes people worry too much about offending others, as long as your intent is good I wouldn't worry too much. Also, you really never know what people will be offended by.