Help with understanding my AS boyfriend of 4 years

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Kagrra
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Joined: 21 Jan 2011
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22 Jan 2011, 1:05 pm

My boyfriend of nearly 4 years has Asperger's Syndrome. We live together and are extremely comfortable with each other but neither of us really has many friends.

I am diagnosed a Bipolar (Type 2) and I have bad anxiety. I also show a lot of Asperger traits which is why probably why I am able to understand him and live with him.

The problem started with him saying that he felt lonely. He is a student going to university part time and unemployed which gives him a huge amount of time doing very little. So I told him why not go and make new friends. He has complained about just about everyone as his demands in a friend are really high. Then he tried browsing dating sites for people looking for friends and so far no one has been able to be a possible friend.

- We did go through a rough patch. I'm pretty sure this is when he came up with these ideas and has not stopped fixating yet even though things between us are going extremely well again.

- He says that he does not like hanging out with guys or making friends with them. Yet, his interests and hobbies alone are pretty much avoided by NT girls. Girls seem uncomfortable around him possible due to hygiene or that he doesn't want to listen to them.

- He says that he has "no bubble like other people do", as in if he hangs out with a girl he wants physical intimacy or he can't be friends with them at all. In other words: has no interest in platonic anything even to start off with.

- He also wants to add BDSM (mainly DS) into our relationship; which I am not against at all; in fact I think this is excellent for our relationship and would help him and myself communicate better. However I am confused as to how it can work if there are other people whom may cause problems with that dynamic.

So the predicament is that he is talking about possibly seeing other women as well as me. Yet he says that he can never live with anyone else but me or be as close to anyone as he is with me. He tried going on a forum about polyamory and they shot down his definition pretty quick and told him straight that if you love your partner and they are not interested then tough luck and don't throw away your relationship. He stopped using the Polyamory argument after that.

Other than obvious problems like the possibility of STDs or Pregnancy; I am very concerned for the other person. He wants them to care about him very much yet the relationship would never go anywhere as he has no intention of leaving me and therefor the relationship with the girl would never grow very far. I would think that this would be hurtful or painful to the other girl if they did have feelings. I also am very concerned that they would be completely overwhelmed if they had to deal with him in any type of relationship. Meltdowns, fits, only wanting to talk about his interests etc.. would just be too much for someone to deal with. He has expressed that he does not want anything casual but the realistic chances for something emotional seem pretty slim.

I have tried to find information about the "bubble" thing that he speaks about but so far I have found nothing to explain it to me or to show me that it is just something that he is using as an excuse? He does fixate on things intensely and then they just go away after a while so I have no idea what to think about everything.



CockneyRebel
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22 Jan 2011, 2:05 pm

There's a certain thing that many people on the spectrum are thinking in their minds at the moment.

"I do as I do, because I am what I am. To try to change me would be a rejection to me."

You could talk about the idea about doing things that are more socially acceptable but don't nag him or try to train him. If he sees that what he's doing isn't helping him in the long run, than he might be more inclined to take your advice, if it's given in a way that's neutral, instead of a way that insists that your main goal is to change who he is, though that might not be your intention.

Good luck with this, and welcome to WrongPlanet. :)

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