Call the Whole thing Off

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Very brief, but was wondering if anyone could help. I'm engaged and aslo my fiancee is pregnant. But I'm about two seconds from stopping both things. This is just to stressful for me. Everyone is in my space, asking me a whole bunch of questions. I am about to explode with this amount of social activity. Everyone asking me, my fiancee putting demands on me, I still have college too ya know and I'm suppose to postpone my class for her first check up.
Everyone wants to convince me for the wedding and the baby with emotional arguments that do not engage me. I'm about two seconds from exploding, having a meltdown. Just leave me the god damn alone. Stop asking so many questions. I want to be a part of this, but don't want to be nagged constantly.

"What if its a girl and not a boy?" [why do I care gender doesn't matter when it comes to babies...at least to me]

"Are you going to baptise your kid?" [i'm aethist, and you're really going to ask me this question?]

"Why aren't you getting married in a church?" [because I don't want to]

"Any names ideas yet?" [no]

"why aren't you dropping college?" [because my education is just as important.]

God and its almost everyone who ask me the same questions over and over again.

How am I suppose to deal with this?

How am I suppose to survive?

I think this belongs in the Love and Dating section. You should also ask your fiancée what she wants. If she wants to keep her baby, than let her keep it.

I think a lot of those questions people are asking are normal questions, and you just have to accept that people tend to ask those things. Just keep repeating yourself. I think you should also keep in mind that a lot of the stress isn't coming from the particular situation itself, but from that fact that it's a big life change, which tend to be very stressful for people with AS. None the less, the stress will pass and you will settle into life with a wife and kid and you might actually find that it's a lot less stressful, and provides you with a lot more stability than you thought.

However, it is ok to have some time to yourself during all of this. I would just be sure to be open about your feelings to your fiancee. Let her know you aren't going anywhere and will be there for her (if you decide this is the case, which I think you should) but you just need a break from everyone else...maybe you two can go away together on a quite get away for a weekend or something.

er... with regards to the second issue, how exactly do you plan to do that?


OK, calm down- just practice a few answers to the questions (it's always the same ones) and smile sweetly and just say them off pat. Yes, people are nosey; you can't avoid it.

Your fiance is going to keep putting demands on you. There's not a lot you can do about that. If you think things are tough for you, they're way worse for her so try and be a little more supportive. If that means skipping class to help her for her first check up, then do so (unless you have an exam or something). You're about to be a father, so sorry, putting your family first will be expected of you.

With regards to other stressors, maybe it is possible to postpone the wedding? Both are very stressful things so I don't think it's unreasonable to delay that for a bit, as long as your fiancee's ok with it.



People have litle imagination. Use it to your advantage; pre-plan your answers and just smile sweetly and rattle them off when they ask. If they ask for a baby name, just say 'George' or 'Katie' and they'll go "ooh, how lovely" and shut up. Alternatively, ask your fiancee what she wants to call the baby and just say that.

I know it's stressful, but you'll get through it. Don't focus on college to the detriment of your family; Exams can always be deferred or resit.

Last edited by Lene on 21 Feb 2011, 10:19 pm, edited 1 time in total.

How are you aiming to "stop" your fiancee being pregnant?!

Why don't you and your fiancee elope? That takes care of all the wedding stress. Done. People will complain but your girlfriend takes the PR on that one with a simple, "Oh, we just couldn't stand waiting any longer. Sorry! We'll plan a party later after the baby is born to celebrate both!" and then just neglect having the party. (Can you tell I speak from experience on that one?)

People always ask a million of horrible intrusive impolite questions when someone's pregnant. It's worse to be your fiancee! She's the one who's getting her belly felt up by strangers who think that, somehow, her body is now public property just because she's pregnant! She's getting told gross stories about other people's pregnancies and birthing experiences. Yuck!

The standard answer for Dads to give to the "boy or girl" question is, "As long as the baby is healthy!"

A good answer for baptism is "We're going to wait and let them make the decision when they're 13 or so."

A good answer for names is "We're still trying to decide." if they do the follow-up question about what names you're thinking about, say, "We've got a list."

It's very automated. They ask the question. You give a standard make-them-happy answer. Done.

I do recommend eloping.

Yeah. I'm a big routine and schedule kind of guy. And I have been doing the same thing for over three years now. I don't like changes in my day to day life. I'm a real big big hermit. I like staying at home, being on the computer.



She understands. She's been trying to get other people to lay off of me. But they won't. I can't go on a get away because I have college. And can't miss my classes.

Thank you btw, you sum everything I am feeling right now.

She's only a few weeks along. And even so, people are already expecting me to make a guess about a baby I don't know about yet.

I don't understand the gender thing, I really don't.

People say because father's want to teach their kids manly things and get into sports. I've always hated sports, sooo why do I care?

I'm...except for this post...a highly intellectual being. I prefer logic.

People are random and messy and don't make sense to me.

I like things to be straight, pin point, and logical. So, what does gender have to do with a baby?

I want to just teach, all my knowledge and experiences. And just help intellectually and you don't need gender for that.

For me, I'm still in my twenties. I haven't completed a degree yet. I don't want to be one of those middle age people coming back to school because they put their stuff on hold for a kid. That doesn't make sense to me. It sounds stupid to me. And I want to get my degree now. An associates, so I can get a good job for my future family. I'm taking a program that gets me my associates in about a year and experience 8 week interval classes. Two classes back to back, for 4hr, two days. So I mean I will be home those other days I won't be at school.

Just I feel its a little underhanded on her part to schedule a check up on Wednesday a day I have class.

These things can be pretty hard to schedule. It might have been the only opening available.

Staying at home, on the computer...or at least staying at home, is pretty compatible with married life with children.

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Then maybe a quite evening in. Whatever you normally do to de-stress.

She told me, there was a schedule for Tuesday as well. But felt the middle of the week was better. We had a bit of a fight afterwards, I got mad at her a bit. Not mad, just a little annoyed.



Its just right now. I'd really like to get my associates.

Ya know she is the woman I love her. I lover her more than anything in the world. The first person who has enough patience with me and understands I just like to stay at home. I really truly do love her. Love her more than anything. To be honest she's almost like an obsession. I can never stop thinking about her.

But at the same time, I'd really love to get my degree at this age.

Its important to me. Because my parents, one parent dropped out of high school. And the other parent never got their college degree.

If I do this. If I complete this. It brings pride. It gives me pride. It allows me to raise my kid with the pride knowing that they have everything to succeed.

If I show my success.

I want to be better than my parents. I want to do better. And that means completing this college degree. That is what it means. It means doing this one thing.

To finish something they never finished.

Its really really important to me.

How to stop all this? The only thing I can think of is cancel the wedding and get an abortion, but that seems so cruel. I wish I could think of a better option.

I know. It might be my overwhelmed mind talking a little nonesense.

I'm also hoping that you two can come up with a better option as well. Having an abortion doesn't make you un-pregnant. It makes you the mother of a dead child.

I would stick with the same answers you have.

And if anyone asks you if it's a boy or a girl, you can tell them it's too soon to tell. I have gotten that question a few times too. People are just clueless about pregnancies. Even NT women get annoyed with this too.

I have also gotten what if it's a boy. I would tell them I would be disappointed but I would still love him. Guess what? I did end up with a boy but I learned to embrace it and I no longer cared anymore what I was having. I found out at 20 weeks what I was having. Reason why I wanted a girl is because I think baby girl clothes are cuter and toddler clothes too than boy clothes. Also the fact I would love to buy girl toys again like Barbies for my child.

I have also gotten "What if he turns out to be NT?' from one of my aspie friends. I would still love him even if he is. So far he is normal.

And luckily prenatal care is only once a month until the mother gets to t 28 weeks, then it's about every two weeks and then in the last month of pregnancy it's every week. You can try and have her try and schedule her appointments for when you aren't in class. My husband didn't go to mine and only went to about two of them. I didn't make him skip work for my appointments. We needed the money.

Can you skip class and then make up the assignments you missed or is college different?

And people used to ask me if I had any names yet and I would say no and when we finally decided on a name, I started telling them.

Maybe I've caused enough trouble in this thread, already. I've opened up a whole new can of worms.

Maybe I've caused enough trouble in this thread, already. I've opened up a whole new can of worms.