To all the single frustrated guys

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You guys probably know I"ve been dealing with a lot of the same stuff you have - seeing how the whole relationship game is played vs. everything my parents ever taught me about people and morals, completely reassessing the realities of the human condition and what they really are based on these conflicts, getting really angsty about what we really are as people on both side of the gender line regardless of what we really want, dealing with trying to climb out of a huge confidence deficit caused by years of getting hit with outward AS issues, etc.

Well, I think I've hit on something that could be of help. First of all, I really thought I could drill through every bit of my neurological programming with logic, reason, override my own body to become what I wanted just by blunt force - now the concept that we're really animals at the base has finally gotten me to even look at myself more and realize a really important thing about self-help. Being aspies we are at least trying to be logical in out thought processes, trying to pick through the world with logic - right? Unfortunately it can really destablize your emotions when you're trying to overrule them with logic. In my own case I've realized that what I need to do now is realize that no matter what my personality is, I still have the nervous system of an animal. What an animal goes through doesn't make it stronger necessarily unless it reacts as an animal should - when we react like human beings and really self-analyse and try to fix it with thought what doesn't kill us makes us weaker. I was starting to feel even more unstable and insecure than I had been for a long time when all of a sudden I've been able to find a clear patch where I've been able to get myself on to actually taking an interest in things - before I was obsessed with figuring out the human condition for what it really was and trying to use that to gain leverage for me to actually help myself. Well, strangely with animal wiring it doesn't work like that. People say confidence is a gift you give yourself - when people say that there's truth in it but you have to be real careful how you read it. I know you guys probably aren't naive enough to just think telling yourself to be confident and trying to feel it will do the trick, but at times it seems like a lot of you, like me, are too wrapped up in other struggles related to defeats over lack of confidence and trying to solve them or get yourselves just to not do whatever it was that was a dealbreaker in that situation (whether it was getting dissed by a coworker, someone else you knew, trying to figure out why one friendship or another is falling apart).

With Aspergers, for most of us our lack of confidence is real intimately tied to lack of social skills. We see that other people have a lot of little superficial tricks that help them through the day but a lot of them just don't jive with our senses of self. I've found out for myself now that the only way to solve any of this is to really work on little things that will help no matter how superficial they are. Sounds like some real obvious common sense stuff but stick with me. I know a lot of you have been working on how you dress, how you come off in the immediate sense, but a lot of you who feel like your on the deeper side are really trying to stay away from a lot of those stupid little pick-up tricks like magic, cold-reading techniques, structured dialoges, cocky-funny, because you really don't believe in it. I still really haven't wanted to but the reality is no matter what woman your talking to they all have one thing in common - they're usally great people but like us they're people trapped in animal bodies with animal wiring. Everything works the way it should untill it comes to attraction as well as seeing signs of weakness a guy vs. strength - it's something beyond their control just like a lot of us could never get with a girl who was clingy or unattractive no matter how much we wanted to - our animal wiring just throws up a huge brick wall.

Whether I've wanted to admit it to myself, a lot of my angst could have been avoided just by going out there, grabbing up a lot of these little tricks, grabbing at what would have seemed in the past like stupid trivia knowledge - it's necessary. The world now really is survival of the smoothest and regardless of whether you like that or not, reality is reality no matter how much beef you have with it. Actually understanding that at my core finally and getting myself to terms with that has allowed me the motivation to actually try learning a few of those cheap social tricks (I'm working on a skill coin-trick right now) and the strangest thing is I really am feeling a boost of confidence like I'm pointed toward a real solution rather than more of me just sitting in my room and hating on myself for what it seems like I can't fix. Its the stragest thing because I never would have believed I would get such an upper out of learning stupid tricks not too far off from flipping a cigaretted in the air and landing it in my mouth or trick card shuffling but seriously, when you can learn these little smoothness tactics and 'proof of worth' techniques you really start feeling more like your in the drivers seat.

I know that hearing someone else say something when you aren't feeling at all is hardly persuasive at all and won't change a thing but seriously, when and if your at that breaking point where you feel like you need to move on or change the way you've been thinking about things - come back and see this post, it might at least be of some help...

Excellent points my friend. There are just some things that just can't be conquered by logic - "animal wiring" is a beautiful analogy.

Personally, for me, the problem isn't getting people attracted to me initially - the problem for me is keeping people with me. Staying above water. Holding on to the catch. That's what my issue is. It's not just with girls, it's with friends as well.

My way of dealing with this is to declare to myself that I'm not a bachelor, not single and not a virgin, I have Autism.

T3chstep, In my experience you should not think about things way too much and just go with the flow. Although it is all great and good to become more adept in verbal and non-verbal communication, it helps a lot in things like careers and relationships of all sorts with people. I think the most important thing is to love your self, who you are and what you want out of life or can you seriously expect others to love you if you do not love yourself.

Then again my standards at least when it comes to physical attractiveness in women are fairly low. I place far higher emphasis on personality. Wither I share a lot in common with the women I meet or I have a 'opposites attract' situtation which forms the basis of a good friendship vital to any long lasting relationship. I've met quite attractive women who are quite compatible with me personality wise and not very attractive women who aren't and vice versus.

A lot of aspie guys and even aspie gals, have problems with communication, social rules etc which are of most importance in courtship and on top of that self confidence issues. True a lot of NT's have self confidence issues, but they do not have the social handicaps that we aspies do.

The simplest thing is learn how to play the game like they do and adapt it your own style. Admit your wired differently and use it your advantage.