Crash course please, just took over with Aspergers teen

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So, I'm flying blind here.

My best friend and I raised our kids together for the first several years of their lives. I was an active co-parent to her son until around age 8, and I was part of the diagnosis process when he was diagnosed with Aspergers. We moved apart, but stayed very close.

My friend killed herself last week, and I've taken over parenting of her kids, per her wishes. Unfortunately, I can't find much in the way of records. We had the hearing this week that gives me permission to enroll him in school (we live an hour and a half away from where they were), and his school has been closed for mid-winter break. So I haven't yet been able to have a meaningful conversation with his school. Hopefully, they'll be able to give me a crash course in Morgan.

However, that school district did him no good. They've sucked for years with him. My uncle evaluated him, years ago (it's what he does), and put him in the Profoundly Gifted range. And now Morgan is not only failing 10th grade, he doesn't even know (or care) what grade he's in.

We have an appointment that was already scheduled at the Autism Center at the local Children's Hospital. But it's only a meds appt, and so I don't know how much time they'll be able to give us.

What do I do? I don't even know what questions I'm supposed to ask. I know he needs to pace, and needs a spot to get away/hide from the rest of us, and I am doing my best to make sure he has that. He's pretty good at letting me know when something is bothering him, at least I think he is. For all I know, there could be a million things in the new environment that are bothering him, and I just don't know it.

Halp!

First, thank you for being the kind of person who steps in where you are needed.
Second, allow yourself a learning curve. You are all grieving, and the next steps won't all be forwards.
Third, I wish I had instant advice, but I don't. You seem on the right track.
I was the same age when my father killed himself. I also have a son with Asperger's, and am raising my granddaughter (long story). Some of my experiences may dovetail with yours. Feel free to PM me as questions come up. If I can help, I'll try.

My most deepest sympathies are with you and your family (including you new addition)
Thank you, thank you, thank you. What an awesome person you are for taking on anyone else's child, let alone a child with extra needs.

I don't think anyone here can give you instant advice, read threw all the info on this forum, there is some excellent advice from parents and aspies/auties.

Some things I might do if I was in your situation;

find an autism aware psychologist asap, one that can help him threw the grieving process and all the new adjustments. One that can also work with you all now as a family unit and can help you all understand each other. This would be a priority for me.

I would possibly get a white board or a large bit of paper and write down/list any new rules he may need to follow to fit in with your house,but I would phrase it as house rules for everyone.
I would add the daily/weekly routine to this list. He will need his routine established asap, routine means order and less chaos, he has enough to deal with right now.

At the moment I can't think of much else to add, you do seem to be on the right track now though. When you take him to see the doc for his meds can you request that they have any past medical records transferred to where you are? Past medical records may give you some clues as to how best to help him. Best of luck Aurea xoxoxo

I'm sorry to hear about your friend. The fact that he has AS is a bit irrelevant at the moment. You are aware he has AS and needs a place to be alone, he may have some trouble with transitions, and making friends and such, but I think the key issue for him right now is going to be the loss of his mother.

He could be very devastated by that, and even angry at her. He might be in shock at the moment and might not feel the bulk of his grief until later....you might consider that you all attend grief counseling.

So sorry for your loss.

Advice is good. You need to seek as much informationa s you can and he will be your biggest tool to learn about autism. The rule thing is an excellent idea, in theory, you have a fresh start with him. All Asd, present differently, always be aware of that. The biggest thing is how he communicates, how he reads your communication.

You say Morgan is profoundly gifted, but you didn't tell us anything abut his passion. That one thing is very important to him, and it is a good idea to help him at it. You said that his current school has been sucky in developing his talents. If so, I am not surprised he is uninterested in school. I know I hated school, even though it didn't 100% suck - it just didn't offer me enough stimuli and did not at all feed my interests.

Morgan will have to go through his time of grieving, but that is no reason for not supporting his interest/passion, whatever it is, and support his intellectual development, which, at his age, is near the peak.In the following 10 years he will be the most creative, imaginative and brilliant he'll ever be. If he can tap into his potentials, he'll find great satisfaction and purpose.

Start reading this: http://www.asdstuff.com/grats.html
I know it's long but a little a day will prepare you well.

I assume you work but is there any way you and he can take off a few weeks and hang out at the library and museums so you can learn about each other? I would ease him in to school, maybe 1/2 day at first if possible. Just a thought.

If you were pulling him out of school to homeschool him (and i realize you are not) you would add just one subject at a time. This gives the child a far better chance to adjust in a positive way. \
Ann

What a tragic situation. Don't forget to grieve, and to encourage your new charge to openly grieve. It has to be done.

As for school ... most AS kids are bright, but good grades in school is not, unfortunately, about being able to grasp the material. So that is where you start: look at the grading rubric, and it is not working for this unique child. Many AS kids have extreme trouble with executive function (remembering what is due when and organizing it accordingly, even remembering to simply turn in completed assignments) and also with things like following instructions. They can have sensory and focus issues that make learning in a classroom situation difficult. And so on ... these are the areas of discrepancy, the things that hold a child back from having apparent ability translate into grades, that need to be addressed in an IEP (individualized education plan).

I have no advice about grieving, sorry. I am a Aspie parent with a 18 year old Aspie/HFA daughter. I am very pleased with Michelle Garcia Winner's work on Social Competency. socialthinking dot com. She has several books. I used "Thinking about You, Thinking about Me" starting when Kyla was 14. I wish I had known about MGW much earlier. I also use visual thinking strategies and assistive technology where ever possible.

Cinder McDonald

Is it grief? (It's been noted, though not widely, that SOME Aspies can't grieve even though we can love very deeply. It's not a character flaw and doesn't make you unfeeling or cold or evil. It's just a quirk-- a huge, strange, hard to explain quirk, though. I just want to point out that this is possible, since DW says you have to grieve and that can be a hurtful idea to someone who's incapable of grief... though YOU probably need to grieve if you're NT. I'm sorry for your loss.) Is it a transition issue? (Seriously, this is a HUGE transition. Unexpected death is a real shock.) Is it both? Because both at once would probably leave most people unable to really function. One at a time either one can leave someone out of commission for a while.

Your last paragraph tells me the "neurology barrier" (NT-AS interaction and its difficulties) isn't the biggest issue, but do read up anyway when you can. School is more pressing, grief more pressing still, transition issues probably even more pressing than that. (Unless I misjudge how bad grief is.) Congratulations on not running into what's usually the biggest, most thorny issue. I suppose it doesn't feel that great, though.

You could-- if time permits-- homeschool him for a bit. Honestly he probably needs a break right now to veg out and process what's happening.

Also, he could just be a normal teenager in this respect-- disliking school, not caring. I don't know what grade I'm in (high school, I'm pretty sure-- I'm probably close to Morgan's age), but whatever grade it is I'm getting As. Probably not the same issue there, though.

If you don't mind my asking, why are you worrying about meds? I'm not just asking, it could well be relevant: there is no med for Asperger's, but some that are misprescribed for it have side-effects that could cause this. On the other hand, if he needs them for something, that could be a contributing factor or affect how you deal with this. (Like, if it's depression, that's three things that could each cause this instead of just two.)

I wish I had great advice, I don't. I am so sorry you are all going through this.

I have a couple of thoughts, 1: when you speak with school an important componant may be a BIP if he has one. This is a Behavior Intervention Plan which should be created by someone qualified, and it will basically tell you what causes trouble for him and may trigger difficult behaviors.

For instance if there are sensory issues you don't know about, you might find them there.

2nd -you have probably done this, but just in case....Ask him what he needs. My son would tell you straigght up...I need my video game system and a laptop so I can mod.....he knows the stuff that calms him. I would say to get him whatever he says he needs without qualifying if you think its important or not.

Good luck - hopefully we can help you on this journey. BTW where are you located? There may be available services based on locations.

I seriously suggest homeschooling. It is hard enough that his mother died, he is in a new enviroment, new rules, but to put him through a new school when he hates school already where he will be bullied or totally alienated as the new kid...is just too much. If you home school him, you can find out where his educational deficits lay, plus the transition will be slower. This is all too much for him to throw him into the AS nightmare called public school.
He has alot of transitions going on that could emotionally shut down an NT kid....but for a an AS kid to be going through this is a monumental truama....please concider homeschooling him for that alone may save him.

I giving this to you from an aspie point of view,

Jojo

Don't expect them to deal with grief counselling or the like the way NT do. I do see a psychologist and have a great deal of grief to deal with, but I also do a signficant amount of my communication with her in writing, via emails, journals, etc. I have recently read an article here about an AS teen who lost some close friends in bushfires a number of years back and could not communicate with his counsellor as he needed to, but eventually they found non verbal means for him to communicate with her. Obviously if you have the luck of finding one who understands AS that is an asset, but assuming that because they can talk that they will open up in counselling is simply not the case and it is important that he be given other avenues to communicate his grief, maybe writing, drawing, whatever works for him.

Obviously giving him space is crucial, if at all possible, he needs his own bedroom so he can take himself away when needed. If this is not possible, then consider even putting curtains up in the middle of bedrooms so that he really does have a distinct space to be in.

It is important to remember that this is also a huge shock for your own children, who are nowing having to share their mom with two other kids and they did not plan for or ask for this to happen, and the other kids, have just been shoved into your care and been removed from all that they know, etc, given how far away they now live. It is important that you do all you can to allow them to continue to communicate with former friends, school mates, etc, find out any hobbies they used to participate in, sports, etc and try to keep everything as normal as possible for them. Even things like when they like to shower, morning or night, can be really important for them to maintain control of their lives as much as possible. Make sure the house rules are made clear to everybody, perhaps calling them house responsibilities is a good way to go, have them written up clearly so they can all see them and this includes your own children, who now have two extra siblings added into the mix.

It is important for all kids to maintain routine at this time in their lives and this includes your own children. Do not for a second this is not going to be a huge roller coaster for your own children, it will be. I would be inclined to ensure that the kids are at school as soon as possible to maintain a routine, but for the kid with AS, it may help to take a few days off, just so that you can ensure that all of his needs are in place before he actually starts. Make sure that he has met a guidance counsellor that he can go to whenever he feels the need, etc, etc. Try to have a time for him to be able to walk through the school so that he can get an idea of the layout, where rooms are, to meet his teachers, etc, when there are no kids there, perhaps after school one afternoon, when the kids have left and teachers are still there. To be honest this would be useful for his sister as well, all kids benefit from being given time to see an envirnoment on their own terms, to know where to go if they are not coping, and who would be when you have just lost your mom, moved cities, schools, etc, etc.