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Darn it - women flirt with me and don't even see it!

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Jono
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01 Mar 2011, 5:52 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
NT girls are not always right.

Do not take anything they say when it comes to other girls as 'the absolute truth' or the '100% true', there's no guarantees.


I know that but I also know that aspie guys often miss non-verbal cues generally. That includes flirting.



AspieGenius
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02 Mar 2011, 5:41 am

Zur-Darkstar wrote:
Sometimes I do realize when a girl is trying to flirt, but when I do it's several minutes, hours, or days later. Obviously, this is not notably helpful except as a way to learn what people do to flirt. Perhaps as a result, I can pick up on flirtation in one on one conversation if I'm on a date or in some situation where I'm expecting it. It's rather like I know what to look for, but I have to tell my brain to anticipate and look for it, or it won't register. My normal mode of thinking is that I basically screen out everything that's not directly relevant to what I'm doing at that moment. I have to work somewhat to maintain awareness, or be so interested in a person that they actually command my complete focus.


Exactly, well put, couldn't have put it as clearly as you!

Of course that is where the problem lies, since we have an AS brain, that is capable of handling so much more information that NT's normally can, but only when we put our minds to it and focus on it. So in a situation where our brains are busy doing other stuff, we simply do not notice! NT's can obviously multi task much better than us, on this task.

This was actually very helpful, thanks!

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astaut
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02 Mar 2011, 12:17 pm

I'm a girl, and I can't tell when I'm being flirted with. I'm really hopeless at it :roll: My friends say this person has been flirting shamelessly with me for a few days now, and I had no idea.


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keira
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02 Mar 2011, 12:31 pm

astaut wrote:
I'm a girl, and I can't tell when I'm being flirted with. I'm really hopeless at it :roll:


Me too. I hate to be so clueless :oops:



emlion
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02 Mar 2011, 12:32 pm

men aren't usually that subtle with flirting.
it's more 'my face is up here' :roll:
>.<



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02 Mar 2011, 12:38 pm

I'm in the same boat. I don't get it either. My friends have to point it out to me after the fact.



keira
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02 Mar 2011, 12:46 pm

emlion wrote:
men aren't usually that subtle with flirting.
it's more 'my face is up here' :roll:
>.<


Well there's no problem when men are being SO obvious :roll: and when you're paying attention to where they look :lol:
But not all of them are so "subtle". :wink: Some of them find more original ways to show their attention and that's when I'm lost :oops:



emlion
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02 Mar 2011, 12:47 pm

oh me too.
if someone points it out to me i'm like 'oh yeah...' but i can't ever see it on my own!
i just think they're being friendly.



keira
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02 Mar 2011, 12:59 pm

emlion wrote:
oh me too.
if someone points it out to me i'm like 'oh yeah...' but i can't ever see it on my own!
i just think they're being friendly.


Exactly! :D



TheWeirdPig
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02 Mar 2011, 1:00 pm

emlion wrote:
men aren't usually that subtle with flirting.
it's more 'my face is up here' :roll:
>.<


I've been told this by women. But really, I'm not staring at your chest; I'm avoiding eye contact. I suppose that's just one more Aspie trait that I didn't think of before.



emlion
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02 Mar 2011, 1:02 pm

there's other places to look than my boobs though.



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02 Mar 2011, 1:31 pm

The thing is, I'm looking down. It only looks like I'm staring at your boobs.

I've learned now to keep my eyes moving. Look in one place of no more than a second.



Bataar
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02 Mar 2011, 2:03 pm

emlion wrote:
oh me too.
if someone points it out to me i'm like 'oh yeah...' but i can't ever see it on my own!
i just think they're being friendly.

That's how it is with me. Some friends and I were at a bar/restaurant one time and I went up to get a new drink. While I was waiting, this woman comes up and asks me how tall I am. (I'm 6'6" so this isn't entirely uncommon). I told her that and she made some comment on it which lead me to make a joke about it. When I went back to my table, my friends were shocked that I didn't get her number. I was like, "Why would I have her number? she just wanted to know how tall I was."

Even when I look back at it with hindsight, I still don't see what she was doing that was so obvious to my friends that she was supposedly sending signals to me. That was before I knew about Aspergers so it didn't occur to me to dig deeper at the time.



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02 Mar 2011, 2:28 pm

Bataar wrote:
emlion wrote:
oh me too.
if someone points it out to me i'm like 'oh yeah...' but i can't ever see it on my own!
i just think they're being friendly.

That's how it is with me. Some friends and I were at a bar/restaurant one time and I went up to get a new drink. While I was waiting, this woman comes up and asks me how tall I am. (I'm 6'6" so this isn't entirely uncommon). I told her that and she made some comment on it which lead me to make a joke about it. When I went back to my table, my friends were shocked that I didn't get her number. I was like, "Why would I have her number? she just wanted to know how tall I was."

Even when I look back at it with hindsight, I still don't see what she was doing that was so obvious to my friends that she was supposedly sending signals to me. That was before I knew about Aspergers so it didn't occur to me to dig deeper at the time.


So we're supposed to think that anytime a woman asks you a question she's flirting with you?

Even if you ignore the fact that that idea is completely ridiculous, how would you go from answering a question to getting digits?

Sometimes the reason you can't tell someone is flirting with you is because they actually aren't - your friends were joking maybe?



emlion
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02 Mar 2011, 2:30 pm

could be flirting like 'gosh you're sooo tall.'



mangos
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02 Mar 2011, 2:39 pm

Grisha wrote:
Bataar wrote:
emlion wrote:
oh me too.
if someone points it out to me i'm like 'oh yeah...' but i can't ever see it on my own!
i just think they're being friendly.

That's how it is with me. Some friends and I were at a bar/restaurant one time and I went up to get a new drink. While I was waiting, this woman comes up and asks me how tall I am. (I'm 6'6" so this isn't entirely uncommon). I told her that and she made some comment on it which lead me to make a joke about it. When I went back to my table, my friends were shocked that I didn't get her number. I was like, "Why would I have her number? she just wanted to know how tall I was."

Even when I look back at it with hindsight, I still don't see what she was doing that was so obvious to my friends that she was supposedly sending signals to me. That was before I knew about Aspergers so it didn't occur to me to dig deeper at the time.


So we're supposed to think that anytime a woman asks you a question she's flirting with you?

Even if you ignore the fact that that idea is completely ridiculous, how would you go from answering a question to getting digits?

Sometimes the reason you can't tell someone is flirting with you is because they actually aren't - your friends were joking maybe?


I dunno, I'd take this as flirting, or assume there's a good chance that it was, at least. It's a bit bizarre to walk up to a complete stranger and ask personal questions unless you're trying to flirt. An exception might be a situation where, i.e. you overhear them speaking an unusual language that you know but you've never met anyone else before who does, or something along those lines, in which case you have a socially "legitimate" reason to start quizzing someone without being suspected of flirting.