Group dynamics/dysfunction

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Anyone have strategies for getting through meetings?
Group processing sessions?
Useless information sharing disguised as important meetings?

I have a lot of them to go to--

(I am unusually, probably unhealthily involved in my community on many different fronts)

-- and other than playing computer chess in my head and staring off into space, I have a hard time participating. I am proud of myself for trying, but at the same time it is so not very much fun. (trying not to swear) Hopefully within the next few months, my only meeting commitments will be for work.

So in the meantime...?

*This has probably been covered somewhere else in the forum. Short attention span...sorry.

Really been bungling it up the last few days. I'm getting to where I really don't care what people are trying to communicate anymore because to me it sounds like they just want to:

1) complain that they are the only ones who blah blah blah, and nobody appreciates them blah blah blah, or

2) appear better than everyone else because they are the only ones doing everything perfectly, or

3) blame everyone else for their wacked sense of self

4) refuse to elaborate on what they mean when I'm genuinely confused as to what point they are trying to make by doing 1,2, and 3.


I fully understand my limitations and make no excuses. If we're going to bother "processing" at all, can we at least come to some concrete solution? Isn't that the point, or am I missing something?

Another thing I noticed in group dynamics is that I am often the only person asking clarifying questions, who also will then get flustered, then angry and overwhelmed when the conversation goes nowhere. Then of course I'm a convenient target because I can't hide my irritation as well as everybody else. This makes no sense!! !

Not really expecting anyone to know what i'm talking about, but appreciate the chance to vent anyway

I would suggest removing yourself from the meetings that you can. I have fallen asleep and various other problems during meetings (though for work and thus get reprimanded) but if it is no value to you and all you can do is form negative opinions of the others involved, try to remove yourself from it. There is no sense in forcing yourself because "it is what people do" when it is just annoying.

I tend to decline as many meetings as I can, especially if at all confrontational, and try to do the work via chat, email, something not in person where I can edit myself before the other hears or sees my response.

Yuck. There's no way I would attend such a meeting unless I was forced. Or unless there was a serious issue to be discussed (string of burglaries, pedophile in the community, etc.). Otherwise, of course it's just going to be a lot of people making petty complaints, taking power trips, and looking for gossip.
Spare yourself; stop attending.

Thanks

Yes, I feel brilliant when I can email and choose my words carefully. I can't seem to recall much of my adult vocabulary in person. This is especially when I am frustrated.

My goal is to pull out of every group-think activity that is not directly related to something that I enjoy. The emotional drain that it takes otherwise is so not worth the trouble!!

It's hard not to cave in and try to do things the way "everybody else" does it. Even as an adult I struggle with wanting to fit in and have people like me. (even if i don't like them--huh?)

I need a tangible way to remind myself that I really should say "no" for a lot of very good reasons. Maybe a rubberband around my wrist to snap myself or something? ...hmm

I know what you mean, Georgia. When I was growing up, my mom thought she could cure my "eccentricities" by making me join every group activity under the sun. I still struggle with the feeling that I should do more, interact more with others. I have to keep telling myself that the way I am is ok.
It does worry me sometimes, though, that my support network is very small. I realize it makes me vulnerable in times of crisis. Still, if I join a group and they all think I'm a rude weirdo, how is that an improvement? They wouldn't be likely to come rushing to my aide, anyway.

There are games you can play, quietly, in meetings. Who's driving things?, who's sitting quietly watching things evolve according to their plans?, what do I want out of this? and what do I have to do, when, to make it happen?

Yes, mostly we come up with wrong answers, but it's a way to shift the odds.

Part of me is facinated to watch a group of us meerkats fight for dominance. Yes! Who can deliver the most clever yet subtle insult? What's this body language all about? who are the kiss ups and tattletales? who's gonna talk the most without really saying anything?

If I could just watch and not be expected to participate, it'd be a way to watch and learn. (not necessarily to emulate though---yech)

Usually though, all of this sensory input just shorts out the circuitry. Sugar and perservative laden snacks. Side conversations. Bad perfume and cologne. Room too hot, too cold, too stuffy. Add to that, I'm usually overtired from staying up too late the night before to prepare!

Sounds like you are going to a bunch of meetings you could avoid, Georgia.

Quite often people just want to 'vent' about an issue, and don't want any action or even suggestions over it. This is still very hard for me to understand or sympathize with. But I'm trying! I have a pal who sits next to me in work meetings and pokes me if I start to fall asleep or hum loudly, etc. I find regular runs to the bathroom for a minute or two every half-hour really help.

Oh, man, the sensory stuff in meetings can make me miserable. Perfume and cologne. *shudders* I've quietly spoken to the meeting organizers at work and let them know that the neon-bright colored folders they were using were causing sensory issues for me, and they've stopped using them. Whew!

I am of the very strong opinion that group therapy should be avoided for anybody on the spectrum (asperger only groups being an exception, but those can be social groups for the most part). Group therapy was largely designed for people who have NT thought patterns and relate well through theory of mind and empathy. For people on the spectrum we may pick up on the primary emotion, but we often have a hard time actually relating. Most people are social learners, not factual learners, that is why people tend to believe alot of BS like "vaccines cause autism", because they heard it from a friend and they tend to believe people they encounter more than actual research. But this is especially true with emotional learning. People on the spectrum on the other hand learn a bit differently with regards to emotions, we are not as hard wired to do that type of emotional learning.

In addition there is the sensory issues in group therapy.
Whoever advised group therapy for somebody on the spectrum it should be made very clear that is not a good idea, and often they do not understand how the spectrum works. Whenever I talk to somebody who is a therapist or in the mental health profession, I always make it perfectly clear that group therapy is not the proper place for people on the spectrum. I think individual therapy sessions work, because they are ultimately self reflective, they guide you using your own experiences and add a different perspective.

It took my boyfriend a long time to understand how I worked, but he finally realized I don't do anything that is "group therapy like". He gets alot out of it, but he is also not on the spectrum, so he can relate to people better. For me it is just infuriating, annoying and a waste of time.

I do like interest focused groups, but those are usually talking about your interest or watching movies and other stuff.

Thanks for the replies. I appreciate it especially after the day I had today.

Full day of working with the kids. Feeling alternately brilliant and incompetent because of the posturing of the lead teacher. (trying to cover up for her laziness by making the "underlings" feel stupid) Then sat through a meeting that lasted until past my own kids' bedtimes. Home exhausted but too wound up to rest.

I just talked with my therapist today about all of the commitments that I have that I wish I didn't. She responded with: "What would be the worst thing that could happen if you just said 'no' ?" Just now I'm thinking that this "need-to-please" hell that I have created for myself began when I was a wierd little kid who was afraid to be thought of as wierd. I think I will only avoid aspie burnout if I make the effort to do so--easier said than done,eh?

Something boring and pointless like that where I don't really have to be there in mind, I usually spend meditating.

It's quite good, cos wasted time is never a waste of time anymore.

I'm going to post here cos I'm not sure where else it would go.

Just left a meeting about an hour ago. Managed to talk when I needed to and stay on task. My mind wandered a lot, but I could still follow the thread of what was happening. Managed to speak up for myself when someone wanted to make a snide comment disguised as "constructive criticism." (I find that most of the criticism that I receive falls under this definition, to be honest)

Bonus Points: I volunteered to be on a different team with clearer expectations than the last one.
Extra Credit: on the old team, there was a prat that I'd rather not deal with anymore if I don't have to.

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