AS within a relationship

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I was wondering whether anyone else has experienced this and could possibly give some advice.

I am engaged to and living with a wonderful woman whom I love very much. I should probably explain that I have not actually been diagnosed with Asperger's but we are almost certain I have it. She and I discovered that people with Dyspraxia (I was diagnosed with Dyspraxia at the age of 11) often have Asperger's as well. We then did a lot of research regarding Asperger's and it was incredible how much it described me.

Anyway, the point is that while I struggle in a number of areas, my greatest weakness is that I have recently become extremely self-conscious and experience some quite dramatic mood-swings that I can not seem to be able to control. If I ever find something difficult or intimidating (or even assume that I will), I lose my temper and become extremely frustrated and upset. I basically experience a 'meltdown'. These meltdowns can happen for various reasons but the main circumstances are various social situations making me anxious, areas of interest that are unfamiliar to me making me uncomfortable, or finding it difficult remembering information or instructions.

But for me, the worst thing is the feeling of guilt afterwards. My partner is amazingly understanding and she says that I should try not worry about it. She does, however, find it extremely upsetting and it does cause her quite a bit of stress at times. I am always apologetic after I have calmed down, she says I have nothing to be sorry for, but because I love her, I can not help feeling guilty that I put her through so much stress. I am a bit worried though that feeling guilty and worrying about it is probably making it worse.

Maybe I am just feeling sorry for myself and I should just snap out of it and accept that compared to other people, I'm an extremely lucky bloke, but I just wish I could find a better way to cope with my anxiety and "low self esteem" better than I currently do.

Can anyone please advise?! !

Thank you

Your difficulties are all very familiar to me, as I have lived with similar issues all of my life. I can not offer you a lot of hope though, other than that I have survived for 65 years like this. Long term relationships are the most difficult to deal with in the best of circumstances, but having AS makes things even harder. You are VERY lucky to have such an understanding partner! Treat her like a queen and do your best to spoil her. It sounds like she is a real "keeper".

The guilt and worry is a big issue for me as well. I find that it helps to use those responses in a positive way. Instead of them acting to promote a low self image, perhaps you might use them as a motivator to help you to avoid the meltdowns. For example, in a difficult situation you might pause and think to yourself, "A meltdown now will only make things even more difficult for me, so I will try my very best not to have one here and now. I MUST get through this without going to pieces, no matter what!" Sometimes the shear brute force method works and sometimes not, but it has helped me on many occasions.

Social situations are very difficult for all of us with AS. I have learned the hard way to simply avoid them whenever possible. Yes, I know that causes other problems too, but since I am retired it's a lot easier to do. On the plus side though, I find that over time one learns by experience how to deal with these social situations and so in a way the problems seem to lessen with age and experience, but they never go away completely. Social events are still take a major emotional toll on our energies.

Mood swings are a BIG problem for me and they always have been. Some of mine last for months! I can offer no help for you here I fear. It's important to understand where they come from however, that is to know what is causing them. The source can be internal, as in your not meeting your own expectations for yourself, or external and coming from outside news or events that are causing you to react negatively and becoming depressed. Many people will say to ignore that which you can not control, I find that to be a very poor response. If you can't control something then you should at least consider some form of protest, but doing nothing seems to me to be a total waste. In short, I find that the mood swings are just a fact of ongoing life. Bummers.

I hope that this helps a bit. If nothing else, please know that you are not alone with these issues.

Have you considered talking to a physician and taking a medication, maybe? I know not everyone likes the idea, but my BF has AS and he's found that medication has helped him a lot with anxiety, OCD, and panic attacks. A daily SSRI as well as an as-needed low dose of clonazepam has helped him feel much less stressed out and therefore much less prone to panic attacks or meltdowns. Now he feels like he can tackle situations better that used to upset him quite a bit because he no longer flips out the instant he encounters them, like he used to. Anyway, it's one option to consider, since it helps some people. Best of luck to you Your fiancee sounds like a sweet and caring woman.

Ive found cutting out all caffeine, doing meditation and exercise very helpful in my mood and temper.