NT dating a (possible) aspie - can you help me?

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Hello

I'm a NT woman dating a lovely man who i suspect to be aspie. We are both late thirties.

He has traits like obsessional interests, extreme honesty, inability to cope wtih brightly lit/crowded places (panic attacks/meltdown), difficulty with some standard social behaviours, taking words very literally and a dislike of physical contact other than during sex. I have noticed that he uses alcohol to manage situations that are likely to be difficult for him.

He is very intelligent, funny and sweet but when we first got together 4 years ago I backed away because of his tendency to intensely pursue me, sleep with me and then completely ignore me!

Over time we built a long distance friendship mainly over facebook (we lived in different towns). As I got to know him I understood that some of his unusual and hurtful comments and behaviours were not personal, and our friendship grew.

we now live in the same town (I moved for work reasons) and have been seeing one another weekly for a month. we have a great time together, he is very kind to me, and I am starting to fall in love with him.

I am worried about getting hurt, especially as he has never had a relationship before (tho. he has had one night stands). He had told me that he doesn't want a girlfriend and hasn't had one before.

At the same time he acts like my boyfriend, is loving and kind, shares his worries, spends time with me and does sweet things, and stays in regular contact when we are not together (the last one is quite a big change). It is definitely more than just sex.

I have been in both casual and serious realtionships in the past and have always found it easy to know which is which. I have never been in such a confusing situation before, and do not know whether to trust his words or his actions.

I dont' know what to do, and would be grateful for some advice. I want to understand him better but also need to protect myself. I am trying to decide whether to a) just bite the bullet and ask him what he wants b) get out of this relationship before i get hurt or c) carry on wiht the status quo and tell him my feelings in a few months time?


thanks Sarah

he has told you he doesnt want a girlfriend, I think it likely that he will hurt you. Ask him straight out as you dont want to waste more time if he doesnt care about you. I think its likely that he has commitment and intimacy issues, i dont think these would get better, normally aspies are the best you will see them at the start of the relationship, Ive not known them to improve over time.

Thank you. That is very helpful, I appreciate the response.

why should commitment and intimacy issues not get better over time? There seems for me no reason to think like that.

do you know any? And what kind of issues could that be in detail?

best wishes,
anton

Thats just my experience. Ive seen that NT women often make themselves sad thinking an aspie man will improve with time or become more close and emotionally involved and they dont seem to. Best to either like the person as they are (emotionally distant) or leave them, they do not change in my experience.

From what Ive seen aspies tend to be commited or not, intimate or not, these dont seem to be qualities which grow over time as they do with NTs.

did you mean do I know any aspies- yes lots.
I think the gentleman in the OP has commitment issues as he says he does not want a relationship and has never had one, if he did not have commitment issues he would have had a relationship and would be ok with commiting to the OP (not keeping her at a distance), the same goes for emotional intimacy, he would not be with holding from her if he did not have issues with it.

Ive met plenty of aspies who can commit and be very loving, but the bf of the OP doesnt sound like one of them.

maybe its still to early to tell, maybe he is just anxious, you should ask him plainly, without any indirect asking, if he really doesnt want to be together with you?

be carefull with it and very patient, maybe he really likes you and this overwehlms him, maybe send him an email.

bye,
anton

thank you both - this is great advice. He has alot of issues around anxiety so I will leave it a couple of weeks to see how it progresses, and then ask via email - i know that it is easier for him to deal with stuff via skype/email than face to face.

Hi Sarah,

More or less the same here. My experience with men with AS: Yes, they can change but at the same time the AS will not. What I mean is that my ex has learned a lot, especially with regard to intimacy (hugging, kissing, etc.), BUT still it was always about him. That means that if he didn't want to (hug, kiss, etc.), he didn't want to and thus "just didn't".

I also know that with some, it takes time "so that the heart grows fonder". I am absolutely convinced (long story) that my guy has feelings for me (colleagues can tell, and there's more...) but I think that he will need a lot of time. A lot as in years... A friend of mine has had an AS bf for 2 years now, and that's as long as they have been working on a "deeper relationship".

An AS friend of mine once said: "AS is all about the wording." This has proved to be so right! I told my guy the other day (by e-mail) that I had feelings for him. His reply was: I don't want our relationship to be more than friends. Well, I had NOT asked him if he had feelings for me. And he did not say anything about that. So, make sure that if you ask him that you really ask what you want to know. I.e. if you want to know if he has romantic feelings for you, ask if he has romantic feelings for you. If you want to really know if he wants a romantic relationship with you, ask him exactly that. And always be aware that he may have other definitions of "romantic" than you. It's all about the wording!

And with my guy: He's a lot better talking than writing! No kidding. He's a totally different person. But, due to a relationship with a man with AS that has lasted almost one and a half decades, I am very experienced in "breaking down" what I am really saying. So, in my case, speaking with my guy is a lot different, although he cannot answer some of the questions. You should also point out what will change if he doesn't want what you want. People with AS cannot know what the outcome of their decisions is going to be. Maybe he'd decide differently, if he knew what the respective outcome was.

Something else, an NT woman told me, and that's what I'm adhering to: If you can, stick around for a bit longer. But I wouldn't want you to miss other chances.

Good luck!

This seems to be a delicate situation. If he's stated he doesn't want a girlfriend, then obviously there's a reason why. It may be because he doesn't want to change his lifestyle. It may be that he thinks a girl will expect him to do specific things he won't be willing to do or ask more of him than he's able to give. It may be that he fears that he won't be able to live with someone. On the other hand, it may mean that he dates mainly for sex, and that he doesn't want to commit to one person. This is not an uncommon attitude with guys, and aspies are no exception. That statement can mean a lot of different things that have nothing to do with what he feels for you or how he treats you, but rather have everything to do with what's "expected" of him in a relationship.

I would just talk to him directly about it if he's willing. Ask him why he doesn't want a girlfriend. Ask him what he doesn't like about that kind of relationship. If he's behaving like you expect a BF to behave, explain to him that he doesn't have to do anything else, just be committed to only you. Ask him if he wants to date other people or if he is only interested in you. The answers will tell you a great deal about the situation. Above all, be as specific as you possibly can. Leave no room for ambiguity about what he expects and what you expect from relationships in general. Aspies do not absorb the rules and function of social relationships as easily as NTs. We tend to memorize the rules and expectations sets of different kinds of relationships to compensate, so the "girlfriend" relationship has a certain set of expectations and rules while "dating" has another. There's probably something he expects to happen at the higher relationship level that he doesn't want or is afraid of. My guess is that when you find that out, you'll have the answer you need.

Sarah,

Your post sounds exactly what I am experiencing right now. I know he has been engaged before but he is showing several signs you mentioned above. While watching The Social Network with my Niece over the weekend (who is a social worker) she said 'that guy is an aspie'. I thought I think the person I'm dating is too. I just don't think it's something I Can come out and ask.

No, sorry, I can't help you.

He's told you he doesn't want you as a girlfriend. Why are you still going out with him? Move on and find a guy who does!

^ If that's the case, then it would be better to try her last shot.

You won't lose anything, except this unfair friendship in case he rejects you.

I would inquire as to why he said he doesn't want a girlfriend. I think knowing that lets you know whether this is worth continuing to pursue or not.

OP, if he's said he doesn't want a gf, then I encourage you to resolve any confusion/misunderstandings about the relationship as quickly as possible. It may be that he has a different concept of a relationship than you do, but it may be that he just doesn't want a relationship. Why invest more time in the relationship before you figure this all out?

@sweetchestnut, this remark caught my eye - why do you believe Aspies can't know the outcome of their decisions?

agree with this. +1