I'm sick of everything.

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I ranted a bunch in the Adult Issues Forum but I pissed everyone off there so I'm going to rant here instead. :/

I'm sick of the following things:
1. Missing my Aunt. I miss her so much and I just wanted to see her again before she died. I feel like a terrible person for not being able to make it out to say goodbye. If I had my license and a car, I would have been able to do it. Sadly, I suck as an independent human being so I can't.

2. Missing my kinda-sorta boyfriend. I haven't seen him in a month. His mother really tightened the reigns and he hasn't been able to get away. I tried breaking it off last week but he convinced me to give him more time (yet again). Heck, it's not like I have a line of suitors or anything so I may as well wait around. Got nothing better to do.

3. Dieting. I'm so tired of it. I see my skinny, gorgeous friends eating whatever they want and I have a sh***y salad or 100-calorie pack of something or the other. It's my punishment for being the worthless fatass that I am. I can reward myself with things that actually taste good once I'm beautiful.

4. Not having a computer. My hard drive crashed last week so I have been doing all of my school work in the computer labs. Everyone is so loud here that I can barely focus and I can see a drop in the quality of my work. If this wasn't my last semester, this wouldn't be as big of a deal. If I f**k up now, that's it. I lose my chance at a degree as I can't afford another semester.

5. Not getting paid. I've been working harder than everyone else at work and yet I don't get paid because I've been given the title of "intern." Why should I even bother busting my ass if I'm not getting paid like others who do almost nothing? I thought slavery was abolished in the United States a while ago, so I should be getting paid for my efforts.

6. Feeling like a worthless f**k. This one's fairly self explanatory.

1. I'm sorry about your aunt. It's not a failure on your part that you missed seeing her before she died. Similar circumstances are very common when it comes to deaths; deaths are (almost) never planned and it's not like it was a party that you missed. I'm sure your aunt would try to reassure you that you should not feel guilty over this and that all that matters is how much you loved each other.

2. Sounds like a tough not-very-well-delineated situation with your sort-of boyfriend. The negative side is you only kind of have a boyfriend. Or on the bright side: you kind of have a boyfriend!

3. Maybe you don't even need to diet. Maybe you're great at the weight you are, if you're comparing yourself to people with obviously different metabolisms. For what it's worth, skinny is not automatically better although the media sends the unequivocal message that it is. The paradigm could just as easily be switched. So: if you are dieting for health reasons, and have an unhealthy amount of extra weight, then I can't argue with that, but just so you know you are beautiful at any weight and people who do not fit the arbitrary stick-thin "ideal" each have their own unique and worthy and beautiful body type.

4. This may be useless to you, but can you do any of your work on pencil and paper in a quiet secluded place? Maybe even stuff that needs to be typed, and then later you can type your already-written stuff mindlessly and easily in the noisy room?

5. Why don't you bring up your desire to get paid with your supervisor and explain your reasoning (you do more than those who get paid?)? Of course this may make it so that you cannot get any course credit you might be getting for this.

6. Don't feel worthless. I liked reading your post (even though it was about things that are currently making you feel stressed); I like your straightforward style of numbering your points of conversation. That's just one of millions of things that I'm sure I could find to like about you. You could try thinking of a few things that have value in yourself, or you could just take my word for it that you're 100% worthwhile!

You know, being too skinny is just as unhealthy and unattractive as being too fat.

PM me if you wanna get to know me
(sorry if that's creepy, I do that with all my posts, and my sig. is out of room)

Do I have to bring out my *happy thoughts* whip???

1. I honestly can't imagine how you're feeling about this one, but it must be hard. It's totally not something you should blame yourself over though. You kept in touch with her and she must have known that you cared. I guess you've just got to give it time.

2. How do you actually feel about your "kinda-sorta boyfriend"? Do you want to be with him or are you just with him because he's (not) there?

3. Ugh. Dieting sucks. You should try to find some low calorie things that you do enjoy eating. Also make sure that you're eating enough (I know this sounds totally crazy, but eating too little can get in the way of weight loss).

4. That is definately rubbish. Could you possibly ask about extenuating circumstances so the lecturers know that you're having a rough time? Also if your Aunt's death is affecting your work it might be worth mentioning it.

5. For some nice shiny references and experience on your CV I guess. It's not much fun now, but it'll probably help you to get a job later.

6. This is where my whip comes out. You're not worthless. Stop bullying yourself and try being nice.

1. @Produce and Gremmie - I knew that she was going to die soon, I was pushing for a visit during spring break but my mother didn't want to drive that far. Then she died a week later. And not knowing about the funeral until after it has happened doesn't help either. My mom was telling everyone, "oh, she's busy at college." Implying that I'm too important to be with my family, which is horses**t.

2. a. Purchase - Yeah, it sucks. I never know what's going on with him and it makes me sad. >.<
b. Gremmie - I don't know anymore. I haven't seen him in a month. When I see him, I'm still happy but not as happy as I used to be because I know it could end at any moment.

3. Yeah, I have to diet. I'm about 70 pounds overweight for my height, I wear size 16W pants. That makes me kinda big. I'm not looking to be "stick-thin" because that's not in my body type. I just want to be able to wear cute clothes and be pretty. I dress like a 40 year old as it is now. >.<
Gremmie - Um...low calorie food that taste good do not exist at college. D:

4. Gremmie - It's a mostly online course so I don't think that would fly. >.<
Purchase - That works for some of the assignments but others require the use of InDesign where I need to be on a computer.

5. Purchase - I dunno. Some of our interns get paid and still get their credits. But I work for the university, which means I'm not getting anything. In fact, I had to pay $1600 to take this f*****g internship.
Gremmie - I know. It's just annoying that I do more for the center and I don't get anything but 6 credits and a recommendation letter. Oooooooooooooooo.

6. I dun like whips. I bruise like a peach. >.<

I started losing weight in August, and was about 45 pounds overweight, now I'm only 15 pounds overweight but I still feel and look like a stupid fat person. I see other college students eat pizza, and hamburgers, and they don't even have to care. I sit in class and I see their skinny bodies and I feel like a skinny me will never exist, regardless of what the scale says. Luckily, living at home, I cook most of my own meals so I do enjoy the food I eat, but sometimes I'm sick of caring.

And while my computer works, it is 5 years old, really slow, and I can't even download new programs (including browsers) because they stopped being compatible with the version of my OS I use (and in order to update to the neweer version I have to also buy moree RAM as they upped the minimum requirements so I would have to buy the new OS and more RAM which would be really expensive, especially on a computer on its way out). Also lots of keys don't even work so I have to use custom layouts moving keys aound so I can even type. It is really annoying to type a paper when keys don't work, so I undestand computer fustrations.

I started in August, was 100 pounds overweight and am now 70 pounds overweight. I still have a lot to go. I totally see how you feel. When I go out with my friends, I feel like I'm not one of them. I don't think like they do. I'm constantly aware that I'm fat, especially since most of my friends have amazing figures that I wish I could have. I don't want to care about it anymore but I have to. >.<

Yeah, my computer was really slow before it died. I just wish it could have lasted until May. That's all I needed from it and it crapped out on me.

Erisad - I'm sorry you have no option but to dress in a way you hate. They REALLY need to start making good-looking clothes for everybody. You should be able to look and feel quite stylish even while you're still in the process of meeting a weight loss goal.

And $1,600 to participate in an internship? Wow! I hope you're at least learning a lot and enjoying it!

I know, the average size of women in America is a size 14-16 so WHY do they force most of these women to dress in clothes their mother would wear? To make us feel bad about ourselves and encourage us to spend money in the weight-loss industry, of course.

I am learning a lot and enjoying it. I just don't like the idea of volunteering 20 hours a week and not seeing any of that $1,600. I would love to go out with my friends every week but I can't. I have to ration my money. $160 went to the bridesmaid's dress I'm wearing for my friend's wedding this summer and $45 will go to my cap and gown (frankly, we should get those for free since we pay thousands of dollars to go here but whatever). D:

At least the bridesmaid's dress looks good on me, select the color "pool" to see the exact dress, they'll provide me with attachable straps to wear so I'm happy about that.. http://www.davidsbridal.com/Product_Chi ... id-Dresses

i am sick of everything too.

+1.

well i do try.

del.....

@Erisad

This all sucks in your final semester. You would think that things would start wrapping up at this point. Sometimes the wost part of being almost done is going through the whatdoidonext blues. Still, here's some things to think about:

- You're in your FINAL semester
- Most student gain weight while at college. With the stress you're under it might be hard, but you are at least conscientious of it.
- Your boyfriend hasn't abandoned you during this stressful time.
- Internships are for a set time and not forever. You will be done with it shortly.
- The fact that university students drive and have cars is a very American thing. The fact you don't isn't un-ordinary.

I could say more.

I'm sorry about you aunt. That is just very unfortunate and is a sad story.

I hope you hang in there.

Yeah, I'm definitely experiencing transition anxiety. My mom scheduled to have my wisdom teeth removed the week after graduation so I can take my time getting my resume out there and relax until I recover. She pretty much put that there as a transitionary buffer so I have time to think of "what do I do now?" as my mouth is stuffed with gauze. Who knows? The painkillers may give me an epiphany. XD

Yeah but I gained more than the "Freshman 15." I was at 180 pounds when I started college and I was 250 last summer. I'm at 219 now, I'm making progress to get back to where I was before college and once I get there, I'll aim to get where I was before being put on anti-depressants, which was 140 pounds. I was still considered "fat" for my height (5'4") but at least I was smaller then. I was still wearing size 12/14 pants back then, which is still plus size but it's better than being a 16W like I am now. *sigh* >.<

I feel like he has abandoned me. It's been a month since I've seen him. I miss him so much. I'm lucky if I get to text him once a week (I have to wait for him to text me first to let me know that it's safe to talk without his mother finding out). I wonder if he even cares anymore.

I know but by the end I would have worked 300 hours for free. Even if I was working minimum wage, I would still have about $2,250 to help with this transition into post-grad life. I could buy a car for f**k's sake. D:

My mom says that. "I didn't get a car until after I graduated!" But it was different to not have a car in the 1980's than now. You pretty much are required to have one. Professors have given out assignments that required me to travel off campus. I got lucky and one of my friends was heading out in that same direction at the time but I don't want to have to rely on luck in order to accomplish my tasks. I would move to the city where there's a bus system but the city scares me. I don't want to get mugged/shot/raped/etc. I like the quiet of the suburban and rural areas. D:

I'm sorry if this seems like I'm not listening to you and just fighting back all the advice given to me but I'm not. I appreciate all of you helping me, I'm just in that mindset where I start ranting and I can't stop, even though the logic I use is completely unfounded. So thanks to everyone who has been helping me. I may have pissed you off and while that wasn't my intention, I'm sorry.