What do you define as a friend? What do friends do?

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I do not know what a true friend is. I am also aware that different people have definitions of what a friend is.

What do friends talk about, how do they go about interacting?

I have thought I had friends before (in person and online), but I really do not know. For the most part they have ended contact with me in a variety of ways. I can't say I really know what a friend is or if I have any.

from what ive noticed, most people that are friends seem to engage in what i call "ego jabbing". or they're bantering and talking and cracking each other up. my friends are from my AS support group.....so we have different standards that are hard to put words around

another thought for ya - it's as if friends know how to say things that inspire a positive emotion of sorts in another. this is very hard for many aspies.. like..me for example; when i talk......it's almost always just another exchange of information........

Last edited by rocknrollslc on 29 Mar 2011, 2:00 am, edited 1 time in total.

I don't really know. My rule of thumb is "a person with whom I am comfortable speaking with, who is comfortable speaking to me, whom I have known for at least six months."

It usually takes me around six months to get comfortable with new people. If we're still comfortable with each other, why not call it a friendship?

A "true friend" would be perhaps someone whom you still speak to after a life transition. If you still regularly speak to a high school friend after graduating, a college friend after graduating, a friend you met before having children, etc. These are the people you may know for decades, and they are arguably the only types of friendships one should try to foster.

Quality before quantity. For me, I'd rather have one friend I end up knowing for life, than many whose friendship has the lifespan of a mouse.

This may of course be because I don't want to have to change the speed dial for the person in my phone who will help me dispose of bodies if asked.*

* That's a joke based on one popular definition of a friend: "A friend is someone who will throw you a bachelor's party. A true friend is someone who will help you hide the stripper's body the next morning."

People have greatly different definitions of what is a friend. Anywhere from someone you see frequently and make superficial small talk with to someone you have a connection with. The line gets blurred really easily, I honestly do not know the precise # of friends I have and no its not cause I have so many that I cant keep count, its cause the line between acquintance and friendship is very blurred. I have anywhere from 6 to 17 friends depending on where you draw the line. Real life and online

1 thing I find thats very hard being an aspie is that its very hard to establish a connection with people in comparison to NTs. People are not very drawn to me...in most cases I really had to go after my friends in me being the 1 to approach them more then they approaching me. It doesnt mean that they dont like me as a person, I guess I dont give signals of interest. Some of my current friends were intially surprised slighly when I asked to come to their rooms or asked them to hangout with them. After getting pass "that", they realized how much I wanted to be their friend.

Being an aspie, I also dont "naturally" connect to people as well as NTs do. NTs can many times technically be friends with a lot more people then they actually are, highly depending on the person. Ive seen this demonstrated in a former friend who literally tries to be friends with every1. Most NTs are more selective then that, believe it or not.

I currently have 2 friends, who are polar opposites in their abilities to connect with people. 1 NT and 1 aspie
My NT friend comes across as incredible sweet and friendly. He naturally establishes a connection with so many people, hes very warm. People love him mostly, and he interacts with a lot of people
My aspie friend is rather ackward and monotone, he has a very hard time connecting with people even tho he tries to talk to so many people. Due to him talking to so many people, he has a good number of "surface friends".
It took me 2 years to establish a connection with my aspie friend, and I established that level of connection with my NT friend in 3 weeks. One can easily argue...maybe I had more common ground with my NT friend...no I didnt. I dont have too much in common with either even tho I really like them both. Oddly enough both of them are the very nice, and the least intimidating/judgemental people Ive ever met.

People who I talk too when I go to university societies, clubs, lectures etc. are acquaintances. When you have someone’s phone number and arrange too meet up with them to engage in a shared interest they are a friend

It's hard to define for me. There's someone in town who I've known since I was six that I'm completely comfortable with and I haven't been in the same room with her for four years. There's no problem and I know we could pick up where we left off. We're just both in our own little orbits. Then there's a former neighbor who needs me to drive her places and listen to her monologue about herself. I spend 5 minutes with her and I'm gritting my teeth. She calls me a friend.

There's a joke that goes....

A casual friend will help you move furniture.

A real friend will help you move bodies.

There is some truth to that. I find that the people I bestow the mantle of "friend" upon are people who I know are there for me in my hour of need. When you hit hard times, that's when you find out who is your friend. That doesn't mean they take you in and let you live off them, but they might take you in for a couple days before giving you a kick in the butt to motivate you to go out and try again (as to not become your enabler).

Most people who say they are your friend don't want to stick around when times are tough. Real friends will stand by you at your worst moments.

i really do not know. i have 2 friends (not including tammy who is more than a friend), and they seem to like me, and i do not dislike them liking me, so i guess that is my definition of "friend".

i have no idea why they like me, but i seem to satisfy some internal appetite they have to listen to what i have to say. i am socially ret*d to quite a serious degree, and i do value the friendship of the 2 people who are my friends because they have to suffer the inadequacies in crucial areas of my reciprocal propensity, but they think my trust is more valuable than their revulsion for my sterility and coldness. i trust that type of thinking very much.

i never ring them up. they always ring me. they always ask if they can come around to my place because i never ask them to come around.

if i never heard from my 2 friends again, i would most likely just continue to live in my solitary mind, and my familiarity with them would evaporate. i would not seek them. they do all the work by arranging contact with me, and therefore i am grateful that they can overlook my seeming unfriendliness, and in light of their forgiveness of my shortcomings, i give my trust to them.



who's friends? my friends? i do not know what they do either when they are in my presence or not in my presence.

when they are not in my presence then they do not exist except for my memory of them, and so they do nothing as far as i can discern when they are not in my presence. i am not a clairvoyant, and i have zero psychic ability, so i would have no idea of the life and times of anyone who is not in my view field of current attention.

when they are in my presence, i also fail to notice what they are doing because i am so self absorbed that i just say what i want to say about what i want to talk about.

if they accommodate me, then i will be able to reciprocate in a medial way to what their responses are. if they are not interested and they propose their own unrelated topics for discussion, then i will retreat back into my world which i see as pertinent to me and i will dismiss whatever their rearrangements are to my conversational agenda.

i am like a bulldozer whose driver has fallen off , and once i have mapped my course of conversation, i can not deviate from it. i can not adopt ideas from other peoples minds to think about.

"friends" forgive my shortcomings, and i return their forgiveness with my trust.

To me, a friend is someone who have trust, accepts you for who you are and a person you enjoy doings thing with.

You beat me to it, I couldn't have said it better myself.

I go with this definition.

Thanks for the replies everyone. I thought a true friend was one you can talk to about pretty much anything. Regular friend chatter about things that aren't serious and also things that are more important... I am coming to find that all of my friends in the past and what I think I may have in the present prefer to only talk in one of the mentioned ways above, instead of both. I am not sure if these are friends. It feels more like being used either way I look at it. That's not to say, being someone's friend doesn't involve a little bit of using on both sides.

hi!
i'm an NT and quite a super NT for i have tons of friends, that i have different categories, levels for them.. i have friends from a priest to a street thug.. i have friends since i could remember, from rich to poor, from professional to a child, from a genius to not so bright. i even have adoptive families, was able to make friends with their entire family, from one member to a sibling to their parents and to the generation following theirs..

but in essence a friend is someone that you could or were able to make you allow them in to your life, to your inner thoughts and heart or concerns and share these with, but of course with your moderation and preference. and you share a mutual respect or kinship towards each other. good friends are those that you could or would go to for help or any type of assistance preferably personal, and would be there for you. and they could also be the person to cheer for you or encourage you towards something but respects and cares for you enough to stop you and even become anti-you to correct you in your wrong as they would only wish you better. and friendship is of course also a relationship that you have to take care of in certain way to maintain it, so those you wish to have as a friend for as long as it would take - you have to take care of such friendship. these are the people that welcomes you in their lives and that you would welcome them too in yours.. accepts you as a whole both with your good and your bad and these are the people that you too could do that to. basically friends are supposed to be like family members you could choose something around that..

Hmm thanks for the reply NcNbl. From reading your post and going by that logic, it makes me believe that I am more of a friend than my "friends" are to me. In fact, I might as well declare myself a friend who is friendless.

welcome.. well i ideally that kinda how friends are supposed to be.. don't worry a lot feels that way towards their friends too at some point, maybe we are just not too aware how much we mean to these people away from their obvious efforts of friendship towards us.
but anyway, i'll be your friend..