Accidentally cruel, what would you have done?

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I have just been rather unpleasant to someone who wanted to go out with me. I find him powerfully annoying. I tried all the polite ways of saying that I did not want him to keep on texting me. I never agreed to meet him after our first very casual walk date hybrid and told him I had a boyfriend. I suppose the reason why I have never been kissed at 22 is maybe that I am too easily annoyed but he told me how to cross the road and not to go near the river, (which I swim in when it is not in sedge), else I might drown and then he wanted to go running with me the next day and I said no because I only run alone and besides I was busy. He would not take “no” for an answer which is an ominous sign in most boys. After that I just ignored his texts, but he kept on phoning. So I sent him a message saying never to get in touch with me again, that I did not want to be his friend and he should find someone to reciprocate his feelings. He is Chinese so maybe there is a culture difference in action here. I just wish that this could have gone more smoothly and that he had understood that I was refusing him sooner. I feel like I have been cruel. He just had such thick skin it turned out to be the only way to get rid of him. What would you have done, what have you doen in the past? How could I handle this kind of situation efficiently in the future? What happens if he does not even understand this, he is a hopeless optimist?

It was unavoidable -- some guys won't take no for an answer. It sucks that he wouldn't take the hint, but we live in this culture where we propagate the myth that "persistence will win her over" -- unfortunately not true in most cases. Both of you are victims here -- If he persists, file a restraining order (after telling him your intentions).

If you have been polite, but firm and clear, I'm not sure how you could have handled it better. I would just make sure you are as clear as possible in any situations like this in the future, otherwise it may come across as if you are being coy.

Sometimes you have to be that honest. Looks like he couldn't pick up you were rejecting him so you had to be blunt.

Thanks for replying. That you think that my options were limited does make me feel better. I recieved a message from him asking what he had done wrong and why I said that his behaviour was funny to me. Being very much NT(other then his inability to percieve refusal) not sure he will take this well, but as he asked. He promised he will leave me alone after I answer, it seems reasonable enough.
I hope there is nothing in this that could make him believe I want him to keep on pursuing me.


My reply
You were overly persistent. I had made it clear that I was not interested and was taken. In social interaction the normal protocol is to tell a girl you are attracted to her before she tells you she has a boyfriend not after. It came across as emotional bullying, not that this was your intention, and that made it funny. Also you used no linguistic subtlety, though obviously you have a good excuse for this! I am not saying that it is your fault that you failed to pick up on the fact that I did not text you back frequently and was often blunt, but it is these subtitles that dominate social interaction. You could try reading about social rules online. I am not judging you; it could help you know how to approach these situations in the future.

Ok so I have missed out that he behaved like a creepy a***hole, but what good could it have done to tell him that....

That seems very fair. Are you sure he is NT? I mean yes, guys do stupid stuff like that (especially when we are smitten), but this seems to be a bit dense for a NT.

I would have been very agressive after it became clear that he wasn't taking no for an answer and so you were a lot kinder than I would have been. Although, I've said no quite clearly to some guys and they kept on trying and trying until I used physical force.

Cultural differences doesn't explain why he persisted despite the fact you told him you weren't available or interested (unless he doesn't understand the language at all). No means no. Do you have a diary because it may be a good idea to have a record of this (I may be being over catious but that's me).

I'd red flag such persistent behavior..its almost like stalking/harrasment.

I'd say be absolutely clear with him. Short and and to the point.

If that doesn't work then I'm sure that telling him directly that if he does not stop you will get a restraining order from the police will do the trick.

It did not go down well; I think I am officially rid of the twot head. So that’s a bonus. Unless he decides to murder me. That would frankly be a downer.

the message back-Thanks though im disagree, and you had misunderstood my action, but explanation is unnecessary now. Ta ta



Has he never heard of a grammar check?
Oh what jolly larks.

Josieposie, I agree with what the others have said but if you are 22 and never been kissed then I would have to wonder what sort of guy does NOT annoy you?

I am cute(ish) and athletic so I have plenty of guys showing an initial interest in me, when I spot it, but I get something wrong and they go. The ones that stick around are generally jerks who want to take advantage of my initial appearance of naivety. I want someone kind; I am not going to kiss a jerk just because I have never been kissed. Hopefully when someone who can get through the initial shock of my differences does come along they will appreciate that.
There are a lot of guys who do not annoy me but they never stay interested.

If she's not interested in a guy she has every right to say no, she doesn't have to say yes to a jerk just because she hasn't had a relationship yet. Everyone (man or woman) has the right to decide who they're with.