Ever wanted to be a "better person" for a partner?
HopeGrows
Veteran
Joined: 5 Nov 2009
Age: 50
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,565
Location: In exactly the right place at exactly the right time.
I have, but I cannot really tell you any details on a public forum like this.
Lets just say that love can motivate change, if you feel the need for challenge your problems. There are definitely limits to what is possible and doable. And as someone already said, getting treated for OCD isn't really 'changing yourself' except in a rather superficial sense.
I think that ultimately love isn't a strong motivator. If you genuine believe someone loves you as you are, then you don't feel a need to change. If you believe that you would be loved more if you changed, then you are motivated by fear rather than love.
I agree - I don't think that love is a strong motivator....I guess I'd probably say that people don't change for their partners, they change for themselves (because they want to see a change in themselves). It's genuinely not a question of withholding love....I feel the way I feel. I just don't think it's enough.
_________________
What you feel is what you are and what you are is beautiful...
HopeGrows
Veteran
Joined: 5 Nov 2009
Age: 50
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,565
Location: In exactly the right place at exactly the right time.
It's not really about AS per se - at least I don't think it is. The AS part never bothered me, but it's more complicated than that.
_________________
What you feel is what you are and what you are is beautiful...
HopeGrows
Veteran
Joined: 5 Nov 2009
Age: 50
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,565
Location: In exactly the right place at exactly the right time.
From what I've found from my relationships is that changing each other is part of the relationship. Hobbies, interests, tendencies; you steal those things from them as you stroll along. But in reality the character played by Ms. Hunt in herself was seriously as messed up as her counterpart, and they changed each other in the end. Which is why he told her "we could live without the wise cracks" and she said OK.
You can't change someone. But changing yourself slightly can pave the way to a happy relationship, no? In my last relationship I was given a ultimatum which I found extremely irritating with the latter option being a breakup. i told her we're over then... which she didn't expect or care for, but we had prior issues and where unfortunately traveling together at the time, lol.
P.S Thats my favorite movie.
It is a great movie...."then put on your jammies and I'll read you a story." And yes, I agree with your observations that the characters prompted change in each other. I also agree that you can't change someone else.
_________________
What you feel is what you are and what you are is beautiful...
nick007
Veteran
Joined: 4 May 2010
Age: 41
Gender: Male
Posts: 27,129
Location: was Louisiana but now Vermont in the police state called USA
Part of the rezone why I want a girlfriend is because I want to become a better person. I need someone in my life to help motivate me & help give me direction to do it. I'd want to do everything I can to help my partner
_________________
"I don't have an anger problem, I have an idiot problem!"
"Hear all, trust nothing"
https://memory-alpha.fandom.com/wiki/Ru ... cquisition
Have any of you ever been on either side of that type of conversation? How would/did you react? Do you think it's a partner's job to accept you completely (even in the above circumstances), or can you truly love someone but be unable to be with them because you feel like you're enabling them? How would you want a conversation like that to go? Is there a "best" way to approach it?
I don't feel that my ex ever "forced" me or otherwise coerced me to improve myself (rather she just broke up without telling me why), but through the whole relationship I was trying to improve myself because I felt undeserving of the relationship to begin with...
I guess the desire to improve has always been there, but I've gotten sidetracked by either not knowing how at times, and the improvement I was seeking was all wrong (like making more money = a better life).
Now, its about enjoying life as best as I can and being OK with myself as much as possible. Both are ongoing processes, single or not.
_________________
Your Aspie score: 135 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 61 of 200
You are very likely an Aspie
HopeGrows
Veteran
Joined: 5 Nov 2009
Age: 50
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,565
Location: In exactly the right place at exactly the right time.
Now, its about enjoying life as best as I can and being OK with myself as much as possible. Both are ongoing processes, single or not.
Can I ask what you're studying, @mra1200?
_________________
What you feel is what you are and what you are is beautiful...
Yes I have, and did away with some self destructive habits at the time, although when that person, (and it's only ever been one that I've been inspired to change for, because I'd never met anyone like them), dissappeared from my life, I reverted back to my old habits. I know they'd still have the same effect on me now!
I think, (if you're lucky enough to meet someone who triggers that in you), when you see the best of another person, (whatever the feelings involved), you want to be able to give the best you can in return; it's just a plus that it also helps you out!
I had that type of conversation but it is too personal to share on an open forum. You could PM me but my "conversation" didn't bring the desired results so I don't think I could be much of a help
What I can share is my opinion in general. I think that it is unfair to expect to be accepted completely. We don't get into a relationship with a person we know everything about. It's impossible. The whole point is to slowly learn things about each other and that includes things we might not like. It is essential to address things like that. I believe that we're constantly changing in whatever relationship we have. Small changes. Step by step even without noticing it.
And when it comes to love... Well it's amazing when love makes you want to be a better person. I believe that's what love is supposed to do. But "becoming better person" is very abstract. It's way harder when things get specific. Changing specific things about yourself may be very difficult and very tricky because the only way for any of those changes to be permanent is for a person (who is to change) to realize the need to change (other than ultimatums) and to want it for himself/herself.
My experience taught me that any change someone makes for another person is gone with the first big fight.
Now, its about enjoying life as best as I can and being OK with myself as much as possible. Both are ongoing processes, single or not.
Can I ask what you're studying, @mra1200?
You mean at school?
_________________
Your Aspie score: 135 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 61 of 200
You are very likely an Aspie
HopeGrows
Veteran
Joined: 5 Nov 2009
Age: 50
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,565
Location: In exactly the right place at exactly the right time.
Now, its about enjoying life as best as I can and being OK with myself as much as possible. Both are ongoing processes, single or not.
Can I ask what you're studying, @mra1200?
You mean at school?
Yes, I was referring to your academic pursuits, but you can tell me what you're studying in life, too (if I'm not prying).
_________________
What you feel is what you are and what you are is beautiful...
Now, its about enjoying life as best as I can and being OK with myself as much as possible. Both are ongoing processes, single or not.
Can I ask what you're studying, @mra1200?
You mean at school?
Yes, I was referring to your academic pursuits, but you can tell me what you're studying in life, too (if I'm not prying).
Something like dietary or nutrition science. In life? Everything I can! I try to keep an eye out for interesting things that are happening (but as of right now, things that are affordable). For example, I'm going to see Sir Ken Robinson give a lecture next week.
See this animated (and condensed) version of a talk he gave a couple years ago:
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zDZFcDGpL4U[/youtube]
Click here for the full unaminated lecture (1 hour long)
I think the topic of how schools are numbing the minds of American children and destroying their creativity is a fascinating topic, one that I think might appeal to a number of us. Unlocking the potential to see possiblities to problems is our forte! (well, except when it comes to dating...)
_________________
Your Aspie score: 135 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 61 of 200
You are very likely an Aspie
Yes.
I found it was best for her sake.
Yet she ended up being unfaithful to me, with her ex-boyfriend, who now was her "best friend's" boyfriend, and strongly considered not telling me and staying with me, but I pulled it out of her and broke up with her. She did it just a month or so after I had waited for her for over two months, while she was in a mental hospital, without me knowing where she had disappeared - with me in mental pain, every second of every day, every second of every night, waiting, waiting, waiting. I just assumed that I had to wait for her, or instead kill myself if I never heard from her again, since I then would have to assume that she would be dead... so she showed me how much that meant to her by doing that.
There never was anything wrong with what I have in mind, anyway, but I suppose I would do that, again, for my real true love, if it'd seem to be the best for her. As long as everything would be what would be the best for her....
Last edited by Beauty_pact on 07 Apr 2011, 7:46 am, edited 3 times in total.
Northeastern292
Veteran
Joined: 16 Sep 2008
Age: 33
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,159
Location: Brooklyn, NY/Catskills
Giftorcurse
Veteran
Joined: 13 Apr 2009
Age: 30
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,887
Location: Port Royal, South Carolina
Similar Topics | |
---|---|
Is one person's war hero another a person's war criminal? |
19 Feb 2024, 2:15 am |
How Much Information Do You Have to Tell Your Partner |
16 Mar 2024, 9:21 pm |
How did you meet your partner(s)? |
18 Apr 2024, 11:20 am |
Body scent and voice of our partner |
18 Feb 2024, 7:30 am |