How do you handle failure/other life problems?

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THis is going to encompass quite a few aspects/problems for my husband, he wants to know how to stop/fix it, or whatnot. I dont know if there is anything to do. I dont know how to help him. I want to know if these things are common, or if these are not aspergers issues ect...

How do you take messing up? My husband has had a rough week at work, messed some stuff up. He beats himself up SO MUCH. He was told a few things about his teaching also this week and that is something that is his *focused interest* so for him not to do it perfectly (boring and to in depth he was told), he really takes it HARD. He feels he is stupid, if he cant do the one thing right he feels he is good at, then what can he do. He feels unworthy of me, saying I married him to be his wife, not his mother. I dont feel like this, HE feels like this. He feels like who would want to be with him. I dont know how to help him, I dont know what to say, I dont know how to fix this. Do you struggle with this? What do we do? This doesnt happen ALL the time, but it does happen when he messes something up and it sends him into a spiral of self loathing.

Ive been hinting (ok my fault) about some stuff and tonight I told him and he couldnt believe it. He said why am I so stupid, why dont I get it. I guess I feel partially at fault but I thought he would get it. He said how do I stop thinking like this. How do I understand people. Why cant I just think like everyone else? I feel bad, and I cant really give details about what I was hinting about, but it was kinda in your face, HELLO type of thing that most people would get. I think even most of you here lol. I told him it was NOT a big deal, because it isnt, but it didnt stop the spiral.

He went to work tonight practically in tears beating himself up. Again, this doesnt happen often. But it does happen. Every few months he has a really bad week or 2 of thinking he is just the biggest idiot ever.

When he messes something up he has to fix it IMMEDIATELY. One of the things he messed up he cant redo for another month or so. He has been upset saying I have to wait 60 days to fix this. I cant wait that long. Is this normal? When you mess something up, do you have this overwhelming feeling to fix it RIGHT AWAY? He feels he needs to make things right immediately anytime he does something wrong. If it cant be fixed right then, he walks around with a pit in his stomach until it is resolved.

I dont know, I guess I feel bad. I dont know what is normal, what is not, how to help him. Before I had nothing to attribute these feelings to. Now I dont know if they are because of aspergers or not. What do you all think?

My opinion: there is no normal, so no need to worry about that. There may be a "majority" but why is that necessarily preferable to minority behavior.

Umm... I also have a need to fix things right away. In fact to do anything right away. I have zero patience for artificial (socially imposed) delays. Which is hypocritical given my tendency to be late and/or never do stuff I mean to do.

But anyway... yes... I obsess until I have achieved a goal. Or I get really depressed and anxious, or both. I don't see it as a problem if the goal is a good one, I mean a goal worth working toward, but it is abnormal statistically I guess, the single-mindedness.

If I just can't fix something... I get stuck. I can't move in any direction, metaphorically or literally. I am stuck now and have been a long time. It's not hopeless but I won't get unstuck til I reach my goals. I never ever ever forget my goals, they're the light shining that I walk toward always and give me a reason and a sense of location.

In society if a worker makes a mistake he is severerly punished. In some jobs a worker could get fired but I suppose a teacher has tenure so the pusnishment would be that he would be held back for 60 days. Actually to hold a person back because he makes mistakes is incredibly stupid because in actuality we learn from our mistakes. But of course this is the philosphy of the education system because if a student makes a mistake he gets slammed with a bad grade. And this is why people like Thomas Edison never fit in with the traditional education system. This is because Edison actually was successfull because of his mistakes. Failure after failure he would experience until he got his breakthrough and because he was his own boss he never got fired or demoted because of his mistakes.

OMG how I can sympathize with your husband. When he feels like this he's going through hell. I am EXACTLY the same, everything has to be done perfectly (with heaps of praise if possible) and preferably yesterday or the day before.

If a problem/mistake can't be rectified immediately then I feel sick to my stomach with anxiety. I have no patience whatsoever if the problem or answer is left in someone else's hands (trust no-one) and while waiting for a solution/answer/phone call I am like a cat on hot tin roof. I sink way down into depression with the worthlessness of myself and every thought I have is a negative one. I know this sounds really self-pitying but I'm honestly just telling it like it is. It feels like the worst anxiety in the world. I feel like I've murdered someone, the feelings of guilt are so terrible. I don't know what that feels like but vivid imagination plays a huge part in my downfall but never the other way round.

One of my sisters is always correcting the way I pronounce certain words which embarrasses me, but it's only hours later, say in bed at night, that I can come out in a hot and cold sweat thinking about what a stupid, ignorant idiot I am. Then I'm on a rollercoaster ride through my past thinking of all my mistakes and cringe-worthy moments. Not much sleep on those nights.

It's 6.30am in London now and I haven't been able to get into a 'normal' sleep pattern since last December when my AS dx was dismissed and I felt about as important as a swatted fly that was nothing more than a damn nuisance. I can't get over it or come to terms with it and I'm living with the churning stomach and boiling anger in my guts on a daily basis. I don't know how to deal with any of how I am at the moment, apart from sleep my way through the days. I always cope better at night. I believe that the feelings I get are feelings of total injustice and anyone would feel anger at that but if you're already 'up there' because of sensory issues then it's going to be much harder to control and cope with. Maybe this is why your husband finds the waiting for an acceptable solution so bloody difficult. I know I do. I'm sure it must be awful for you (walking on eggshells, probably) because I only have my mum to turn to and she desperately wants to help me but doesn't know what to do either and is worried she'll say the wrong thing. This adds to my worry and guilt and so it continues...

I'm sorry I'm no help but I don't know what to say that would make any difference but I do know from my mum that it's horrible on both sides and I sympathize with you too. And I have to say this but for the person who is feeling like a total waste of space and thoroughly useless, going over and over everything in your mind 24/7 it is awful because there's no getting away from it.

Tiffinity.

Today I was distracted by someone speaking to me, and I unintentionally removed 0.35mm of steel from a nut that I was machining. In reality, it does not matter. The nut is still perfectly functional, though a little undersized.

However, in my perception...

1. every time I look at the nut I see the error, because I notice every detail.

2. every time I think of this nut I see the error again, because I remember every detail.

3. I repeatedly mentally replay the situation of machining this nut. The error repeatedly arises. It has greater significance in my mind than is necessary.

4. I cannot remedy this error (reattach the steel to the nut). I could remake the entire nut, but this is impractical, overly pedantic and not in accordance with workplace procedure. In other words, I am not permitted to remedy the error.

Basically,

1. all details take precedence over the "big picture".

2. an error takes precedence over other, (non-error) details.

3. mental analysis of error tends to replay error, rather than construct future positive outcome. Mental analysis alone does not make me feel better.

The issues then are threefold:

1. losing perspective (sight of the big picture).

2. allowing negative detail (error) to take precedence over positive detail.

3. lack of mental tools for developing future method, and for feeling better/letting go.

I suggest the following remedies:

1. Sensory integration. I swim regularly, and the repetitive physical activity helps maintain my mental perspective.

2. purposefully focus on enjoyable details; listen to favourite music, draw straight lines on paper, get a squeegy ball.... whatever body requires.

3. bring mental processes out of the mind by writing them down or drawing a diagram. This helps to break the circular-beating-up that goes on inside. The analysis of the error can then happen a little more on the outside, which reduces the internal intensity. NT people solve their problems by talking to others, which makes them feel better. AS people must develop different strategies. Generally it takes AS people longer to process. The key is to keep the process moving forward.

I hope these ideas are interesting to you.

Your post about sums up how my husband feels. He feels useless and runs over all the things he feels makes him stupid all day long. Over and over and over. He cant sleep because of it. He feel sick to his stomach that he has messed something up and it cant be immediately rectified. I do have to say though, my husband is THE single most patient, gental person. He does not have a temper to speak of. ONly with himself. He is not a yeller, and doesnt snap at me at all. He is more of a crier when he is upset then a yeller or snapper. I dont feel like I have to walk on eggshells with him because I know he wont be upset with me, I only walk on them because I dont want to say anything that will further send him into self loathing. He is generally a happy person but he doesnt have self confidence to speak of.

Hiya,

Thanks for replying. I've even been worried about the way I wrote in case it gave the wrong impression. Sometimes it's hard to convey in type the way it sounds in your head. The eggshells comment, I think offended you a bit but I meant that it's like walking on eggshells so as not to upset your husband which is the same as my mum does with me. Not because I'd be angry with her, never am with her, but just so she doesn't feel she makes life worse for me. I hate it if my mum ever has to feel she has to say sorry to me - it just doesn't feel right. I'm very big on crying, especially lately. I'm also my own worst enemy and the world's biggest worrier as this post testifies.

Tiffinity.