Make an extremely dark joke.

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"Mom, what's an abortion?"
"Go ask your brother."
"But I don't have a brother."
"Exactly!"

Did you hear about the man who had to get the left side of his body amputated?

Don't worry, he turned out to be all right.

My uncle has the heart of a lion, the eyes of an eagle, the legs of a cheetah...

And a lifetime ban at the zoo.

Mary had a little lamb.

The doctor fainted.




I feel bad for parents nowadays. You have to be able to explain the birds & the bees.... The bees and the bees.... The birds and the birds.... The birds that used to be bees.... The bees that used to be birds.... The birds that look like bees.... Plus bees that look like birds but still have a stinger!! !

The solar eclipse has passed. Now we can all go back to staring directly into the sun.

Here's one I just read on Facebook. Yeah, I know.

An Englishman, an Irishman, and a German man were all riding in a private plane. Then the flight attendant comes over and says to the Englishman, "The air pressure is too high, you'll have to take an object and drop it out of the plane." So the English fellow takes a small rock and chucks it off the plane. The flight attendant says "The pressure is still too high, you'll have to take your parachute and jump off". So, the Englishman jumps from the plane, pulls open his parachute and drifts safely to the earth, When he lands he sees a man in front of him, sobbing and crying. The Englishman asks why he's so upset, and the guy says, "A rock game down from the sky and smashed a hole right through the hood of my car!"

Back on the plane, the Irishman is told he has to throw an object off the plane, so he takes a knife and drop it out the window. Then he's told he has to get off the plane, too. So he jumps out and opens his parachute and lands safely. But there's a woman in front of him who is sobbing and crying and when the Irish guy asks why, she says "I was working in my garden when a knife suddenly came down from the sky and sliced my prize-winning melon right in half!"

Finally the German man gets told that he must drop an item to normalize the air-pressure back on the plane. So he takes a bomb, and hurls it through the window. Sure enough, he still has to get off the plane, so he leaps out the door, opens his parachute, and safely floats down to the land. There he sees a man standing outside his house, but he's laughing and giggling. The German fellow asks him why he's laughing, and the man tells him, "I just farted and blew up my neighbor's house!"

*Me talking to an Israeli Jewish man I met online*

Me: "I think I'm pretty smart you know?"

Israeli Guy: "Yeah? Well those Palestenians were considered 'pretty independent'. How'd that work out?"