Would you want someone to say something to you?

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My husband's brother and his wife have 4 kids. The wife has several sisters. Two have some type of disability. I have only met them once as they live far away. However, while they can care for themselves, they are in theri 40s, they have always been on disability, never married, went to college or had jobs. They do live independently, but I think they more rent a room from someone and live there type of situation. It is obvious when you meet them that they are not typical. My SIL has talked about them being different, but has never said anything about what their diagnosis.

Now to my BIL and SIL. They are really great people, but they are so laid back. Their kids aren't out of control brats, but I don't think I have ever seen one of their 4 kids be disciplined no matter how they pout. They usually just give them their way. They also seem to not worry about anything. Don' get me wrong. I actually admire that in a lot of ways. I wish I was a bit more like them in that regard, but they seem to take it to the other extreme.

Their oldest had severe speech delays and many sensory issues as a toddler. All their kids have been very late at sitting up and walking, even though they had no physical reason to not be developmentally on target. My MIL really pushed them and they did eventually get ECI involved and he began to talk and walk. He has gone on to school normally; however, while he has done well enough to pass on, he has never done great. He doesn't seem to have any classroom issues; however, he only has one friend. A girl that lives on his block. Otherwise, he has no activities other than scouts at church and no other friends. He is now in middle school. He seems to do enough to pass, but I get the feeling he is really flying under the radar because he has never caused any problems for the school. My brother in law and sister in law are not concerned about him at all. They think he will go to college. I think he may continue to do well enough to continue to get by right now, but that college may be a whole different story. He seems to do okay really because they never challenge him in any way.

Their youngest is the one the whole family is very concerned about. He turned 4 this past Feb. They did too get him enrolled in ECI because he didn't speak at all. His speech was more lacking than even the older brother's had been at this age. When we moved back here a year and a half ago, this kid said nothing, even though he had been in speech for a year with ECI. When he turned three, he was going to age out of ECI, so they told my SIL to move to the school district. At that time, the school was very concerned and immediately recommended him for their preschool program. Other than the summer, he has been in that program for half days since Feb. 20010. He has made improvements; however, only talks at about a 2 year old level. He drools all the time. He isn't potty trained and probably won't be anytime soon. He is a sweet boy. I have never seen him have a meltdown or tantrum; however, he also only get his way, so there is little reason for him to ge upset. We have family in town and all got together last night. I really watched him at the park. He hand flaps at times. He is more uncoordinated for his age than he should be. He ahd trouble on the playground that other kids his age could do. He plays, but he never engages or plays with any of the other kids. Even though we had 13 cousins of all ages there. Instead of 4, he seems like a toddler hanging out, doing his own thing, in his own world. I see no signs that he is secretly holding a ton of knowledge and will just up and talk in complete sentences. He is just now pointing in books and "talking"(babbling) about the page. Any question he is asked right now, the answer is always no. It can be something he really would want and if you ask him, he will say no. When we were leaving, I asked him a question and he said no. I said to him that oh no, that was something he should have said yes to. He then looked at me and said yes. They seemed impressed that I got him to change his answer, but you could tell he was only imitating me. He loves to wave and say bye, bye. Like I said, very cute, but not typical 4 year old behaviour.

I can tell from comments my SIL has made over the last few months that she thinks autistic is an all or nothing diagnosis. She has no understanding of spectrum. I think they originally put him in a preschool class "with a lot of autistic kids" as my SIL said, but the school decided to move him up as he seemed more advanced than the other kids in that class. I asked her if the school did any evaluations on him and she said they have him diagnosed as Speech Delay - Not Specified. I don't think they did a full evaluation on him. At least from the info I can get from her, it doesn't sounds like it. I am also wondering if they really said PPD-NOS since she specifically said "not specified" and she doesn't realize that is on the spectrum. She started talking about her pediatrician doing some allergy testing on this son to see if that is a reason for his delays. His initial blood work came back as showing a very low sensitivty to wheat. She even said it was lower than what would show for someone with a gluten intolerance. I asked her if she was seeing any specialists, but she said no. She likes her pediatrician. She said he is very holistic and is fine with delaying vaccines, etc. I can tell, she is holding out hope that they are going to do a stool sample, then start on a gluten free diet. Her son is then suddenly going to make such progress over the next year, he is going to be kindergarten ready. He did make progress this last year, but he has a long way to go to be ready for kindergarten.

My MIL wants me to have a talk to with my SIL. Since my kid is AS, I apparently am now an authority on autism. I do have tons of books, mostly about Aspergers, since we didn't get our diagnosis until my son was much older. I am on shaky ground as my son never showed these type of behaviours. We had no speech delays. Our son was more awkwardly precocious with sensory and social issues. I doubt they see my son as autistic. However, I do have a few general books about autism. Should I gently try to bring up pushing the school to do a real evaluation or seeing a specialist? My gut feeling is they don't want to hear this stuff. I would offer her some of my books and see if she had a light bulb moment, but it would be obvious I was wanting her to read them because I think her son might be on the spectrum. I really hate relative moments like this. She likes me and we have a good relationship, but she can be awkward to talk to, so my comfort zone would be to keep my mouth shut.

I think you are in a position to do a lot of casual talking about your own journey and your own experiences, without ever making it sound like you are talking about your SIL or her family specifically. From that, maybe, she can grow in knowledge and start to ask questions.

Since I'm in a SIL relationship where I'm the "laid back" one and my SIL is the one who believes she has all the answers, and who follows all these strict protocols, I think you are right to be wary of trying to bring this all up. I do NOT think you are like my SIL, but I do know how difficult our different parenting styles can make our relationship, and a similar barrier may exist between you and your SIL. I never feel that my SIL respects my choices or my reasons for them; I believe, instead, she thinks I'm lazy. So I don't tell her much of anything anymore. Seems easier to just shake my head yes and tell her how wonderful it is that her kids have accomplished all these amazing things. When I try to explain our journey, I get some lecture about whatever her current cause of the day is. She does not have faith in me as a parent, and I am deeply hurt by it, and completely unable to overcome it because, reality is, she doesn't want to understand why we do what we do. OK, sorry, that is me venting ... that is not your relationship, but, well, things get tricky when you have in-laws who make different choices, don't they?

Just FYI, my 13 year old son's only activity is Boy Scouts. Maybe next year we'll get him on the mountain biking team. But ... he doesn't WANT to do anything else, and he needs a lot of down time. He also needed to invest heavily during these past 3 years in his writing skills, to overcome the disgraphia, and also had to invest in learning how to manage homework / stress loads, etc. It wasn't obvious to anyone else, but his plate was full. NOW he is ready to something more, and we're working with him on filling that in. He's starting to invent again, and he has taken on a volunteer job one afternoon a week.

I can't imagine that your SIL doesn't have some basic information by now. With all those professionals involved, she has to have heard some speculation. She may be choosing not to hear it, but it must have been said, don't you think?

So, you just continue to be part of making sure the menu is available to her. Work on making sure you have a solid relationship with her, so that she will be comfortable bringing concerns and questions to you. You would definitely be a great resource for her.

I would just let the school handle it. Now that they are involved, they will be working on the issues that are most difficult for him. If it is indeed autism, I am sure that will come out. I am with DW, just casually share info about your own journey, and chances are, if she needs someone to talk to, she will come to you.

I should add, one of the problems between my SIL and I is that although I've gone out of my way to let her know that even though I disagree with her advice for my kids, I DO think her parenting style has suited HER kids very well. But she has NEVER returned that acknowledgment. If you have the type of relationship with your sister in law that acknowledges different styles suit different kids, you might be able to have a conversation about what you see. But if you don't, you really do have to wait. IMHO.

I agree with the PPs. You would probably not be able to avoid causing offence by saying something in this situation. All you can do is share about your own experiences, and let her figure out what her kids need in her own way and time.