Self awareness of social mistakes

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I've occasionally noticed people who seem to struggle more than I do in social situations. In the past, I thought I was somehow better off or more skilled than they were. But in retrospect, I really have to wonder if I was just simply not aware of my own mistakes and that it was likely that others may have thought the same thing about me (ie that I was socially inept).

So I have a few questions for everyone...

* How aware are you of social mistakes that you make? Do you need to be told that you've said or done wrong before you understand? If you are self-aware of mistakes, what information tells you that a social mistake has occurred? How well do you judge others' reactions to you (ie read their facial expressions, body language, etc)?

* How aware are you of the social mistakes that other people make? If someone commits a social faux pas or says something inappropriate, do you usually notice? What about odd or peculiar body language? Have you ever been compared with someone who you thought was socially less skilled than you? Were you surprised by this?

Personally, I fail on almost all counts.

Several years ago, my wife and I and several others were all together for some discussion, and I said something -- I do not now recall what that was -- that made the entire room of people immediately go into some kind of "freeze frame" ... and then my wife stood up and asked to everyone: "What was that? What is that?"

Today I just talk and interact as little as possible with people who do not already know me fairly well and who can handle my "that".

Last edited by leejosepho on 03 May 2011, 11:11 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I tend not to be aware of my social mistakes until they're pointed out. Sometimes I work them out on my own much later, especially if a similar situation comes up.

I am somewhat more aware of specific kinds of social mistakes, but not all of them. Those I am aware of are those I've consciously learned or been told explicitly by other people (whether I or someone else did it). And some are things I have learned are bad because they were done to me.

I don't recall being compared to anyone socially, but I do know that I have managed to annoy the living hell out of people and never understood why. This always surprised me.

I usually was not aware of my social mistakes either until well after I made them and also sometimes found out about them through secondhand gossip (a friend of mine told me what other people said about me after I left).

These days, I think more aware cuz Ive been doing a lot of reading about the social mistakes that Aspie mades and had many, many a-ha moments as I read the tips or vignettes.

aLLiE kAt

I'm still not aware of my mistakes unless someone points them out. Ugh.

I've always been left in the dark about my social mistakes until very recently. Most of the time, I'd have no idea what I had done to tick people off or, at best, no idea how I could have done better.

I also used to think I was much better at many social things than others. I would notice any mistakes people around me made. It wasn't until I realized my own problem that I also realized that it's far easier to see what others do wrong than it is to see your own mistakes.

It took a scathing job performance evaluation from my manager to really knock it into my head that I was doing so poorly. Before then, I thought my "customer engagement" was the best around. Since then, I've begun noticing that I'm usually the one wrong in social situations and, since finding out about AS, I've begun to put reasons to my mistakes. I suppose ignorance was nice, but I hate dishonesty, so I'm glad to know the truth, I guess.

I've got the worst of both worlds. I'm acutely aware of my social mistakes, to the point where I have to fight an overwhelming urge to give up and get out before the whole thing collapses, but there are probably loads of mistakes I'm making without realising it, and I'm sure I'd benefit a lot of people would just calmly point out where I could have done better. I'm not confident about reading people's signals, so mostly their real feelings about me are a black box. Of course it doesn't help that I mostly hang out with non-mainstream types who probably don't signal in conventional ways so much.

I seem to notice other people's social mistakes a lot, but I may be judging their performance by abnormal standards, so I assign an unusually high importance to such matters as reassurance and calmness, answering questions properly, being clear but not loud or aggressive, taking the trouble to say hello and goodbye properly, and a general willingness to look after the welfare of friends. I really don't know what most people see in each other, or why they want to be with each other and not (as far as I know) with me. I notice unusual body language like a strange walk, but I don't easily recognise somebody whose body language is normal, to me they all seem to have postural quirks, and I'd probably class a perfectly normal NT as a socially hyperactive pain in the butt.

My mother used to compare me with my cousin, who is an extreme loner - he's done slightly better than I did academically and with his hobby skills, but I see myself as somehow more "worthy" because at least I try social things. Trust Mum to completely overlook social skills when assessing the value of another person. He seems 100% cynical and negative when he talks, and I don't think I've ever heard him speak kindly or approvingly of anybody or anything.

She also compared me to my sister who was more diplomatic that I was, in the face of Mum's horrible way of bringing us up, and a boss here at work asked me why I couldn't be more like another worker who was rather more compliant than I am. I get the impression that people compare me to others for self-centred, bigoted reasons - I disappoint them so they look for an example of somebody who fits their idea of convenient behaviour better, judge me against that, and find me lacking. I don't think I've ever been compared with anybody else for social skill, apart from my sister, who probably was more skilled at the time, though I think these days my social presentation is more credible than hers - I've often seen her deliberately feigning approval, interest, and understanding, and I can't believe anybody ever gets taken in by it.

I'm partially aware of my social problems now, especially after both of my sons are diagnosed and I read many books. I was completely clueless even a couple years ago. Was very shocked to learn that I was often rude.

Unless it's a glaringly obvious mistake, or it gets picked up on, I probably won't notice until I reflect on the conversation or social interaction that involved that mistake.

I tend to notice the mistakes of others more easily than my own.

When I make social mistakes I normally realize it later on when I begin to think back at that exact moment. I normally don't realize it as it's happening.

I need to be told but sometimes I catch myself out, unfortunately it's after I've made the mistake.

Just wanted to say... this comment made me laugh.

i find out a lot of things this way. mainly lots of people have told me that they thought i hated them or i looked mean or angry or bored when i had no idea that was how i was coming across, as it didn't reflect how i felt.

these days i generally get an inkling i am pissing a lot of people off, but the awareness doesn't help as i don't know what it is i'm doing wrong. i don't seem to have to do anything and yet people get a very negative impression of me. i make great efforts to be polite, say please and thank you and things and this does not seem to help. when i do become aware i have been misread, it is too late or my explanations do nothing to correct it.

it's terrible. just enough awareness to know i must be screwing up all over the place, but not enough to understand what it is that people want me to be like. i just know it's something other than what i am. when i examine the way other people behave who seem to be well liked, nothing about the behavior appeals to me or makes any sense to me, and so i don't learn anything from it. i even have this trouble here on the forum.

Now, I'm fairly aware of mistakes that I make. I've learned to recognize the long pause and hesitant response that usually indicates that I've said something wrong. When I was younger, I was completely clueless.

Sometimes, I can read facial expressions. There is a certain blank look that people get when they don't know quite how to respond. I can also see some other facial expressions. Subtle facial expressions generally elude me. I don't recognize boredom or mild irritation, so I get caught by surprise when I suddenly get a strong reaction. I don't notice body language unless it is really obvious.



I'm quite a bit better at seeing other people's mistakes. It's easier when I can just focus on watching, and don't have to think about what I need to say. I still don't see facial expressions or body language, unless it is really obvious or it is something that I was taught to look for.

Off topic, I adore Sufjan Stevens!

This exactly. Sometimes it's a long time after. I'm getting better as I age.