Writing a Book - Social Skills and Behaviour Modification

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At this point, everybody on this forum knows that we have to learn everything that comes naturally to NTs. I believe in the power of learning. Learning was, for me, the key to change my social life for the better. I can now deal with people reasonably well (I was recently even called "socially competent", lol), I have friends I go to parties with every weekend and Im generally pretty happy. I only could do this by modifying my behaviour to fit typical NT behaviour patterns, and that I head to learn by reading, a lot. I'm beginning to believe one can learn anything. (Read "the game" by Neil strauss if you don't believe it. Its about total nerds who learn how to pick up chicks in clubs. Very interesting read, you'll learn a lot about human psychology)
For that reason, I want to compile a list with books that would help aspies navigate the social world, and I need your help. These books could include

-absolute basics (e.g. proxemics, body language),

-human psychology,

- human biology (evolution theory comes very handy, you'll learn why people bully people, why most women lie thru their teeth when they say a nice personality is the most important trait in a mate, etc;

-pointers on how to deal with asperger's issues specifically (eye contact, sensory issues, etc.)

- guides to making small talk

- exercise (looking healthy is important)

- fashion

- guides on how to manipulate people (e.g. NLP, sounds like total bull, but works surprisingly well sometimes)

- general aspergers books

many more. I need suggestions people! Maybe we can make this a sticky to help newbies who are just now coming to terms with all that stuff make life a little easier. Thnx in advance!

I do, to a fair degree, but the incidence of NT's learning to undertand and accept the AS world does not appear infinite.
Mind you, the same is true of politicians and nations failing to learn from history and many other examples, so it appears to be a human theme.



Me too. I can do it, and books have helped: "Human Relationship Skills " "You Just don't Understand"

But the biggest thing I didn't find a book for, and the biggest revelation, was that I don't have to be like other folk. For years that was my aim, and then it finally dawned: "Am I having fun yet?" and came the answer "No".

What's my motivation? If learning these things helps me feel better and have fun, and do what I want to, fine. More than fine, Great!

But if it's an exercise in putting on masks, adopting artificial behaviours just to "fit in" with the majority, well, stuff it. I'd rather do things that interest me and if that means I'm on my own, while I might regret the world is less accepting of that, it's still my preferred choice.



As I say, if that works for you, good for you, but please don't assume it's the only way to go!




In which case something fairly extensive on ethics might be a good idea.

LLivingston, I was diagnosed when I was 2 years old. Every problem I have had with Asperger's Syndrome has improved a lot. I am now considered a high-functioning Asperger's. I am going to 6th grade in 17 days, and probably in my 7th grade year they might take me out of Special Ed. I am doing so well, you won't even think I have Asperger's.

"In which case something fairly extensive on ethics might be a good idea."


I do not think so. Read the books about evolution/biology first and you'll understand that humans are nothing more than animals. Back in the days, my bad conscience would sometimes hold me back, now I understand there is no need for that. Thanks for the suggestions so far, btw.


I have noticed some posts by techstepgenr8tion, a mod. Talks about that animal thing fairly extensively. If he reads this, I'd like him to come here and elaborate a little more on how he managed to change himself the way he did. (eg easily able to make friends)

I'd rather make myself happy, than please the Masses.

Wikipedia has be very useful to me.

One thing that I don't see mentioned anywhere is that you have to remember to adjust your behaviour to the situation. Nothing is appropriate 100% of the time. Treating what's in these books as rules will definitely get you into trouble.

The dating resources can be really informative, but they also have a tendency to point you in the wrong direction. The problem is that the authors use sex to sale their books and tend to objectify women. They tend have goal driven social interactions, with the goal being sex.

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I would say that the athletic ability of one's mind varies from person to person, and that there are a lot of lazy minded people out there. And that there are a lot of people who are not open to new ideas.

The lack of acceptance works both ways. There's a stereotype that Aspies don't want to undertand and accept the social world.

I agree totally. Like many other Aspies here, I much prefer making myself a happy person than mimicking NT behavior to 'make friends;' I've always figured that if people do not like me for who I really am, then they aren't good friends and I don't want a bad friend. That means I don't act like something I'm not; if eye contact is bothering me, than I will not look people in the eye. I assure you that I do have friends, mainly among the local geeks, who tend to be far more comfortable with oddities and more supportive of self-esteem--and there is certainly nothing wrong with that. Why should I try to turn myself into something that I am not to please people that I do not know and most likely do not care about either?

And yes, LLivingston, I agree that humans are not anything more than a very odd type of primate. However, ethics and mores serve a valuable purpose in today's society; to paraphrase one evolutionary biology book I discovered in my school library: "People find altruistic, ethical people to be trustworthy and hence feel more comfortable around them and are more likely to cooperate with them. The best way to fake being altruistic and ethical is to actually BE altruistic and ethical, hence the evolutionary pressure on humans to develop mores." Ethics and mores function as a social glue, not as a useless set of 'rules.' If you had done much research on evolutionary biology, you would already have learned that.

I like Jared Diamond for good books; his writing is usually strongly flavored with evolutionary biology. The Third Chimpanzee is the only one exclusively devoted to evolutionary biology that I remember, though.

"And yes, LLivingston, I agree that humans are not anything more than a very odd type of primate. However, ethics and mores serve a valuable purpose in today's society; to paraphrase one evolutionary biology book I discovered in my school library: "People find altruistic, ethical people to be trustworthy and hence feel more comfortable around them and are more likely to cooperate with them. The best way to fake being altruistic and ethical is to actually BE altruistic and ethical, hence the evolutionary pressure on humans to develop mores." Ethics and mores function as a social glue, not as a useless set of 'rules.' If you had done much research on evolutionary biology, you would already have learned that. "


I do know that. Humans need to behave altruistically sometimes for the sake of the herd. But believe me, faking is the better way to go. I see genuinely altruistic NTs get run over all the time.

A book I absolutely recommend: The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense by Suzette Haden-Elgin, and How to DIsagree without Being Disagreeable (same author).

These are really useful for understanding NTs conversations and help you recognize situations and deal with them.

While my *friends* are people who can deal with me without me needing the "mask", it is useful to be able to interact with NTs on their terms - work and school both come to mind as places where it is useful. Any place where you're dealing with an institution, where you want and/or need something from the people at the institution rather than in a take-it-or-leave-it situation like whether you want someone as a friend or not.

Another good one I read (my ex got it for me back when we were together):
Reading People: How to Understand People and Predict Their Behavior- -Anytime, Anyplace
by Jo-Ellan Dimitrius, Mark C. Mazzarella