Eye contact

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I wasn't sure which topic to put this in, so I'll try here and see what happens.

Like a lot of aspies, I seem to find eye contact difficult, generally avoiding the eyes or face altogether, however when watching TV this doesn't seem to be a problem (i.e. watching faces of actors). I've noticed that I seem to watch the nose/mouth area of faces, and when I force myself to look at the eyes it feels 'too high', as though I'm missing information. Just wondering whether anyone else does something similar, or what NTs would focus on. Perhaps I could try to look at eyes and see if it makes reading emotions any easier (something else that's irritatingly difficult/impossible).

I have a problem with eye contact too and if a picture shows a face shot of someones eyes when I see it my lower lip twitches and I look away.

hi

yep

definite problem with eyes. really cant look people in the eye at all. (technically... its not even possible to look people in the EYES... only one of the eyes

and yes, i do get a bit... avoidy and uncomfortable even with tv/cinema actors looking into the camera. knee jerk reaction i guess as im not used to it

real people, in real life... forget it. lol its not going to happen

unless its someone im very intimate with. then i kind-of... can manage a little... i guess as thats something i know you're supposed to do and permission is granted so to speak.

i also find that i have no idea of peoples names unless ive met them many times. and worse, they dont remember me... probably because i dont look directly at them. id thought it maybe projects a bad vibe to them by accident.

R

I do this too.

It's hard for me to look at someone when I see them looking directly at me. I guess you can call it spotlight anxiety. NTs do focus on the eyes more than aspies. I believe there was a study done that tracked the focus points of aspies and NTs while they watched a film. Aspies did focus more on the mouths, while the NTs focused on the eyes.

What works for me is that I say what I need to say, but when I'm done with my statement, I'll try to read the other person's face to see how they responded. I find talking and watching someone's eyes simultaneously is nearly impossible, but I can do them separately. I also do the same thing when I need to listen to the other person talking. I'll wait for them to finish, then take a quick glance at their face, but not necessarily their eyes. What you can do is read a book on body language. I read the Definitive Book of Body Language by Allan and Barbara Pease and I found it really helpful for decoding not only eyes, but other gestures as well.

I did try a book on body language, 'body language for dummies' I believe (how apt ), it was quite interesting, never knew it was so complex. I just find that when I force eye contact something seems to 'switch off', I can make vague, rather empty replies but nothing complex (i.e. 'how are you? - 'fine thank you' level of conversation). It's ironic that normal individuals make eye contact to show interest, yet when I really want/need to comprehend something I look away.

[edit] - I should mention that by 'switch off' I mean most cognitive processes (as far as I can tell), I just seem to switch to automatic. I've tried those tests where you read facial expressions from eyes alone, and I don't seem to be particularly impaired in that respect. It's just that when I'm actually face-to-face with someone I go blank. That's why I find it interesting that I can 'watch' actors faces without any real anxiety, although I still don't get any emotional cues. Just wondering if it's possible to train yourself to read these gestures, I may never get automatic, real-time emotion updates but a few hints could be nice.

I know exactly what you mean by "switching off." The main reason I avoid eye contact is because I can't formulate a thought while looking in someone's eyes. That's why I look away while I talk or listen, but look at their face when the sentence ends. That way you can still give at least minimal eye contact. Plus, if you're saying something interesting, the theory is that the other person will forgive your lack of eye contact.

Also, my therapist told me this and I think it's a great strategy. If you don't want to make eye contact when the other person is talking, you can try other things to show that you've been paying attention. You can ask questions about whatever they just said, or you can paraphrase certain points that they made. That way, you're giving the impression that you've been paying attention.

I am also good at reading emotions from eyes, but it's by no means automatic, and I definitely cannot do it in real situations. It's a multitasking issue, and I'm not sure you can fix the problem, just work around it.

I've forced myself to make eye contact and am now used to it. However, now I make too much eye contact. Apparently, you're supposed to look away every so often, so the person doesn't think you're weird or in love with them. I actually read something recently that said it is "normal" to look at the forehead even. I've tried this, but seems weird talking to someone's forehead.

Eye contact is just one of those things that I'll never get right, so I don't really care anymore. Just look at them, if they think it's too intense that's their problem. If it isn't intense enough, that's their problem too. I shouldn't have to stress over these stupid little things, and I don't. I'm inevitably going to be seen as weird anyway, so what difference does it make?

This is one of the things I find very difficult, I find it intimidating even though I see people on TV that don't have problems with it.
I do try and glance at the person briefly and I don't seem to have any trouble looking at someone from a distance but close up I just can't seem to be able too.

It's entirely possible that eye contact will get easier over time. I don't particularly like eye contact, but if it's necessary I'll look someone in the eyes, and it comes almost naturally with one of my female friends. A lot of people don't actually like looking me in the eyes, as they're 'rather large but very cold', as described by that friend.

Or it may not get any easier, and you probably won't ever like making eye contact anyway. Either way, you're going to have to live with it.

Actually for me eye contact became more difficult with time. The older I get, the more trouble I have looking people in the eyes. I think that this is because I gradually gave up trying to connnect with people, it seemed too much trouble.

There are times when I can look my boyfriend in the eye for a bit longer than total strangers but it can still be difficult at times.

Average eye-contact used to be so natural to me that I never had any problem with it, and I've never even thought about it - until I came on WP, and that's when I first found out that eye contact was commonly known to be a problem in Aspies - which has practically made me lose this natural skill with me, and now I'm starting to have a problem with it!

I have developed a paranoid obsession with being looked at by strangers in the street, so I've now found myself avoiding eye contact completely when I'm walking about in public. I don't have a problem with making eye contact with people who I talk to (in fact I get agitated if I can't look at them for some reason, like on the phone). So I'm quite all right with that. But with just passing people in the street I find it SO intimidating to look at people, because then I will meet their eyes and they will look at me and I don't like that. Especially when people look up at you with a glare (because a lot of people these days seem to have brown eyes which make them look like they're glaring more when they look at you). But the only problem with avoiding eye contact with people is I miss people I know, and it looks like I'm in a world of my own, when I'm not - I'm just avoiding looking at people. But the other day when I was in the middle of a crowded shopping centre, my friend who was with me said, ''a man just waved right at you and said hello'', and because I was making no eye contact with nobody whatsoever (except my friend), I never did know who it was who waved to me, so now it looks like I'm being unfriendly. So it's a catch-22 there.

It's funny - when you don't worry or don't think about eye contact at all, you would just look at people automatically. But when you become so paranoid about catching people looking at you to the point of avoiding looking at them completely, it's a horrible feeling because it's then hard to just look at them automatically because you're thinking about it too much, and you don't know where to put your eyes. It's a horrible feeling! I wish I hadn't developed this paranoia now. But once you start getting anxious about things every-day like that, it's hard to just forget about it and go back.

I can't do eye contact.
When i try to look someone in eyes (but even lips) i can hear what this person sais and i can't think what to say. So i 'look' to nowhere and i just listen or think what to say/answer.

I remember very well when i was 2 and my dad tried to teach me how to do eye contact.
Some years ago i tried to do eye contact with my one years old cousins and it was painful, like to watch directly in the sun.

I don't know how to do it, and how to work on more than one channel at the same time.

When i was a kid i believed that eye contact was only a formal thing and not a thing that people do autopatically.
A funny episode i can tell is when i drew a comic at the age of 12 and i drew one of my characters stimming when listening something important, because i believed it was normal to do that (i must find the scene)

I have a tendency to look down toward the chest, which makes me afraid that women will think I'm staring at their tits. I'll also look at the mouth or shoulder. Also, taking off my glasses allows me to fake eye contact perfectly. I can see well enough to know about where the eyes are, but it's just a big blur to me. I can force eye contact, but I don't like doing it, because I feel like I'm acting instead of just being myself.