help! personality adjutment thoughts,theory on empathy.

Post Reply New Topic

scroll down to
****************************************************************
" ------ PERSONALITY ADJUSTING other options----------- "

(40% of the way down if you wish to avoid incoherent blabering)

Hi,
I'm new here and currently going in circles lost as something that gets lost a lot.

Regardless of this, self help has become my new favorite topic and I'm hoping one day I can have it as something I do along with other things (more productive things).

I have gone through a lot this year learning about asperger's. Instead of listing symptoms which I am sick and tired of repeating and trying to emphasis each one for approval from god knows who I will introduce myself right where i am at present as its all fresh in my head.


I am also interested in meeting a group/person with asperger's/high functioning autism spectrum. I have found a few but they need you to have a diagnoses of asperger's/ autism spectrum or they are for children.

I'm from Montreal and I feel like I have some new insight to things??probably not??
I'm really not the best writer. But I have tried to edit this and I still see some mistakes every time.
This is taken from a letter to my social worker it starts off a bit slow but i think you may like my take on forming a personality which i believe what trying to adapt to the NT world actually is and also my take on Empathy please be patient..

---- My Journal/Thoughts---------

Weekend, went on a trip and stayed at someones house.

Had about 5 social interaction, (Ontarians seem to be more friendly and I dont remember going in to a store without having some one talk to me). Though I was a bit more consiuos about the small talk (as its something i have pinpointed) it still ended up being the same. Besides the fact that i didn't avoid it.

At my friends place he had a visitor and half way through his talking (group) I stooped interacting and started looking at how the social "dance" works and also this gave me a chance to see my own habits .

I was away form my PC the whole weekend and didn't like that. but I was too busy to notice. Part of me wanted to get back to continue my research.

It seems that I may be going through some steps of some sorts like the 12 step AA program or something. The only problem is that since I cant pinpoint the problem or any solutions I am stuck going in a circles.

On Tuesday 10 am I woke up and got right on the PC in the morning,
I stayed on the PC, people came in and my focus was still on the PC. After the fact I noticed that I did not eat cause I was so in to the PC for so long. Also I got frustrated when people would talk to me as they were taking me away from the PC. When talked to I would answer in a way that kinda said, get to the point / dont disturb me . At around 10 or 11 pm i stated to get a bit tired, my eyes seemed heavy, regardless of this i was on the pc until 4 am.

I also cancelled my "social meetings"
Also I was supposed to get back to work and there was something i had to do that i didn't.
On Friday I was given new pills since the old ones that supposed to give me energy didn't work. These new pills I had high hopes for and i was excited to try them on my trip. They didn't work, as this was my second attempt I was very upset, and was supposed to call my endocrinologist to see if there was another option that is not in the same familly. Though this was a big blow, while I was on the pc it was the last thing on my mind.
)pills are riddalin type)

I was consumed by the PC.

I was revisiting my possible asperger's diagnoses, and finding it was not a coincidence that everything else was only looked at once and crossed offmy list but, I was brought back to aspergers 3 times already and unable to cross it off the list, also it was my first guess that started all this,

IT seems that though I may not have all the symptoms like many with the aspergers, I have learnt tricks here and there to get around, but the problems are still there.

This is all consuming my life and I wonder how much longer I can go without seeing anything positive.
It is effecting every aspect of my life and taking way too long to even take a baby step in the right direction as i don't know what the direction is,

I decided that I will assume I have aspergers as getting diagnosed is expensive and will just eat up a few more weeks which I don't have.

In order to be more social I will have to learn superficial conversation as indicated, and in the long run or, form time to time, when there is nothing to do I will defiantly look in to that, (as i did on my trip)
******************************************************************************************************************************************

------------------------ PERSONALITY ADJUSTING other options------------------------


On my trip I learnt a few things about conversation.

1) I am desperate for conversation and it shows and scares people away( laughing at things that arent funny are my best way to connect with some one ect..)

2) No matter how hard I try at best I will under average. There are certain things that just cant be learnt by myself and there are aspects of this type of conversation that are hard to learn and a few that may be impossible to learn such as the speed in which the conversation goes. Sometimes people talk over people but it is a positive thing as it is about a mutual perspective. Anyways at best I can work really hard and be under average.

3) Instead on adding thing in to my Technics, it may be better to remove things. Such as the thing that make me look needy for friendship. this no dought will lower social interactions but hopefully that negative feeling may go away a bit after a conversation.

4) Learning these things is alot like changing my personality which I have done anyways to be more accepted. why do i have to be like them? I think it is the hardest personality to learn. Maybe instead of going through all this I should not try to join them. Instead I should try a different approach. It is easier to learn to be a commanding person or a scary type person because people usually aren't that type and cant detect where you are off as they are not as familiar with that personality. By scary I mean the big bouncer type guy that sits on a chair doesn't say anything or try to join the conversation but just sits back and when conversation is needed gives firm answers as to scare people so as not to be taken advantage of. It i not ideal but i think better then trying the other option.


Tried to find sources of changing personalities but there was no hope. The idea here is that if people want to talk to me it will be them that will have try hard instead of me trying and failing. This could lead to less interaction but more positive ones, or maybe since I no longer look needy people will be attracted and want to uncover a hidden mystery or something from there i can show that i have no intrest in superficial conversation or that i am beyond that. it seems childish to me

Anyways, it seems that there are alot of resources of people that have ideas and theories to help people with aspergers. But the fact is that every one with aspergers on the net I have found (you tube people talking ) seems to always be stuck at the same point. They practice/learn but in the end they may get the Technics but it just doesn't translate to a smooth conversation. So, all this learning that they do doesn't get them better but rather they may temporally feel like they are better as they got more knowledge but they know that all the main issues that were there are still there. I believe as many Aspies may that there i a solution to every problem. The irony is that the one problem that there is no solution to is helping our selves. So we get stuck out of habit to find a solution and to try so hard.

I'm not sure what to do with that, maybe talking to a group of people with aspergers will show me a different side and I would be happy if it does. But i'm pretty sure it s a dead end,

I know I ramble alot.. sorry ,

------------EMPATHY------------
Empathy and aspergers.
Many people with aspergers have a hard time accepting that lack of empathy is part of aspergers .
I believe that empathy can be easily learnt and I remember the day I learnt it and the person I learnt it from.
It has a high learning to benefit ratio, that is to say easy to learn and the social benefits are high. So, it is quickly picked up by mimicking some one that is good at it. (its easy) and soon becomes part of you, as we can simply imagine the bad event that happened to a friend and pretend it happened to us. Even so much so that if something negative would happen to my friend I would be more upset then if it happened to me because I learnt that others are more effected by negative things then I am (with their inability to separate logic from emotion).So it must be very hard for them to go through,
If anything I over empathize, as it is one thing you cant give too much of and is always appreciated and builds close bonds. Since over empathizing is not an issue (as long as you are consistant!! !!) it is not something that needs to be adjusted or toned down, making it easier to learn.
**[consistant: if you are over empathetic all the time people will just assume that you have a lower threshold for tolerence of negative stimilus]

______________ note to social worker_______
If you feel that there will be allot to cover at our next or any meeting then you can always suggest a 2 hour meeting. If it is convenient for you. it all depends on if you feel there are concrete things we can go over that will have an effect or any excersies. in know i have been kind of downloading selected information to you to get some ideas and coining the phrase " superficial converstaion" really helps in explianing the main issue in 2 words both to others and myself it jsut makes it look less complicated as it is the most iimportant issue i find


---------journal end-------

maybe some of you have already gone through some of this stuff or can help any reply is apreciated!! !! !! even a hi from a fellow aspie would be helpfull at this point

thank you and sorry if it was a hard read.

also... any words will help. maybe you see yourself in me when you were first diagnosed. And maybe you can suggest something or let me know what you went through when u were first diagnosed. better yet tell me if its all worth trying to improve or just to get on with my life