nostromo wrote:
I think the Autism word is a good one to use. A few years ago it wasn't that well known but I find with my son I just explain that he has autism and can't talk and most people have seen something on TV so at least have some idea of whats going on. And when he does odd things I just say he doesn't understand.
I'm surprised that when you go to hospital you can't have the support that you need, but I guess its a lack of understanding on their part of the issues i.e. they don't really understand?
Yeah it is the lack of understanding because I look like a normally functioning person. So people don't assume I have all these problems until I meltdown and then they realize something is very wrong. But I don't like to meltdown unless I get so upset that I have nothing to do BUT meltdown. For me, I've always thought I've had agoraphobia - a fear of panicking in public and not being able to escape to a place of comfort of safeness. So if I meltdown, its because all else has failed and my limits are tested that I just fall to the ground and scream out tears of... everything.
But yeah, NTs always think of me as one of them until I meltdown and then they know something is wrong. But at times they don't know anything and when I meltdown, they treat me like a ret*d who can function AT ALL. Rather than treating me in a calm child like sort of sense. It's because I think they aren't used to working with someone who has the mind of a child. I mean I have the mind of a child, mentally. It's the only way I feel safe because children are usually more adapt to having such fears like this. I even get along well with younger children under age ten. I was 14 years old, playing with my cousins who were four, five, six and seven playing things like house and doctor and even pretending to be the baby while they were the mom or vise versa... I mean I still like playing those games, I still like playing with kid toys and matchbox cars and even games for kids... because its my safety zone. I just can't stand being adult because I see how hard it is for them and it scares me to the extreme.
I mean maybe its just a cross between the autism and having psychological harm... that I feel the safety of being a child is the only thing that calms me. I'm mentally an eight year old girl stuck inside of a body of a 22 year old... I mean you could easily look at me or a picture of me and think, "but you look so normal" but its not that I LOOK normal its that I don't ACT normal.
It's the fact that I act totally immature to the point where something is just wrong... but here everyone still ignores these sort of challenges and I'm treated like an adult. It causes meltdowns and excessive panic that if I don't have a way to escape, I melt down as an only option.
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Diagnosed with an autistic disorder (Not AS but mild to moderate classic Autism), ADHD, Learning Disability, intellectual disability and severe anxiety (part of the autism); iPad user; written expressionist; emotionally-sensitive
25 May 2011, 7:43 pm
