Need help with family situation

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I'm nineteen and still living at home. My family consists of my dad, who is heavily medicated and acts like a very odd overgrown child (I'm actually beginning to wonder if he has OCD); my two teenaged brothers; my six-year-old sister, who I was the primary caretaker of when she was about two; me; and my mom, who's the breadwinner for the family and the only sane one.

My dad is completely unreliable. While he is physically unable to do many things, he refuses to do anything reliably, far beyond the limits of his disability (which mysteriously vanish when a topic such as making my brothers play a sport he likes comes up). My mom is generally very reliable, but tends to obsess over the house being clean, and has meltdowns when it isn't.

I try to help my mom out. I have a set chore as part of a chore system; I take care of my sister as much as I can; and I try to keep track of the food we eat and when we need to go shopping so we can organize shopping trips. The problem is that all of this falls apart.

The chore system was designed by my dad, and was made when we were still homeschooling. The idea is that each of the three older kids is responsible for one-third of the house (which is divided into bedrooms, living room, kitchen\adjacent dining room, and playroom), so that Mom doesn't have to do housework, which Dad considers demeaning. However, we all go to a charter school now, and we aren't physically there enough to take care of the chores. The boys have just given up on theirs. Since mine is the kitchen, I try to do it, but it's the entire kitchen with six people, and I'm only home enough to run one load of dishes.

I can take care of my sister fairly well, but the situation where I was her primary caretaker was...difficult. I'm not ready for a child, I don't know how to raise one, and I'm worried I'm going to seriously screw up. She also needs a primary caretaker who is physically around at the right hours (school goes from 9 AM to 5 PM), and who can provide her with a little more routine.

My chore involves doing the dishes after dinner, but because Dad is in charge of dinner, that's often served at seven or eight PM, and so when I put my sister to bed, Mom and Dad will both flip out and think that I'm not doing the dishes because I have to stay in the room with my sister and play music from my laptop for her. I need some way to explain to them that, yes, I am going to finish my chore, but I have a very time-sensitive task that's higher-priority.

I'm not able to drive, so trying to help with the shopping has failed so far, since I tend to come off as more annoying than helpful. (And curse you, Asperger's, I wanted to know that I was being annoying a week ago and not just realize it as I was typing this post.)

I'm in way over my head. My mom is trying to constantly pull everyone's weight, my dad is a lazy bum, and I want to be helpful, but with the way things are set up, I can't. I'm constantly exhausted, and because I don't have a specified set of responsibilities, it feels like I'm always playing the adult when those around me aren't. I know I need to sit down both adults and come up with a system where we can work around Dad's disability, define my role, and get some of the load off Mom's back, but I don't know how to do that.

I do know that I need to circumvent two basic reactions: My mom will try to make me feel better by saying I don't 'have to do' anything, and my dad will be furious that I'm trying to change his system (he acts like someone with OCD, and has temper tantrums when things aren't done perfectly) and tell me that if we ever 'actually did' our chores, all our family problems will magically be solved.

What I need to communicate to them is that a) I want to help and am willing to, b) Dad needs to take more responsibility, whatever that takes, and c) everyone needs a defined list of things that are just their responsibility.

Can anyone help me with this?

I don't really have much advice but I had to reply to someone called pink ranger:D

Maybe sit down with your parents and tell them that circumstances have changed and you've all got a bit older so you think it's a good idea if they/you all come up with a new 'chore system'. Tell them that you're finding some of your chores clash and perhaps you'd be better at doing some different ones? Also, it's not your responsibility to bring up your sister and you should bring this up with them no matter how mad it makes your dad. perhaps do it on a different ocassion to the chores discussion so that they can take in what you say about both issues and not just dismiss it as whining.

You sound way more helpful and responsible than most nineteen year olds so try not to get stressed out thinking you aren't doing enough or aren't doing it as well as you should- there's only so much you can do in the circumstances and there are 5 other people in the house.

I don't know whether my reply is helpful, but I know what I would do. I would quit doing any chores whatsoever, except taking care of the little girl, since I wouldn't want to put her into the middle of this.

When someone complained about the chores being not done, which I believe would happen that very evening since your chore is cleaning the kitchen and this is a very highly visible mess, I would insist that I needed a different chore. I would refuse to do the kitchen just because you cannot both put a child to bed and clean a kitchen after dinner at the same time. I would insist I needed a different chore that could be done at any time of day.

This might cause a family argument or even a fight, but I would not care. I would hold my ground no matter who said what.

Once you are assigned a different chore, you can do it diligently either before school or after school as time allows you. This shows you are serious about helping. The kitchen is such a time-consuming chore that you could quite probably do TWO other chores if you gave up the kitchen.

You cannot argue or coerce your own Father to behave more responsibly or maturely. That is strictly not your job as his offspring. That is in fact your mother's job as his adult partner. If you tried to do it, you would be stepping into the role of his wife, and that is too creepy and weird in a family dynamic.

Also, you are not responsible for setting routines in the household or responsible for how it runs. That is the adults' job, not the childrens' job. You say the other older kids have given up doing their chores. It is not your job to govern them or make it fair or workable. I just think you are taking on too much responsibility for the entire family while at the same time you possess no resources to enforce any of the rules.

I think you are confusing OCD with OCDP. People with OCPD are controlling. People with OCD usually don't enlist others in their rituals, and if they did, it'd usually be something like insisting a person showers every time they enter the house because of a overwhelming fear of contamination.

Anyway, I'm going to be very honest with you and I speak from experience. You are 19 and you have a lot of opportunities that are opening up to you right now. You need to take advantage of those to set yourself up for a nice adult life and you need to be a little selfish to do that. Your mother might be sensitive to your needs but it sounds like the rest of the family is incapable of considering them and are not able to respect your best interest.

You need to focus on yourself....getting into a good school, or a good career, internships and other like opportunities, and developing your social skills and so on. This is also a good time to practice saying no to people and setting your own boundaries. Remember, most of the world is not as altruistic as those with AS.

Talk to your mom and tell her either you guys need to switch to paper plates and plastic utensils or you need to be allowed the time to put your sister to bed before you do the dishes.

You can talk to her about not being able to keep up your chores and that your brothers aren't doing their's anymore but I'm not sure this will be conductive. You might just say you are really busy with school and the family should just hire a maid or your dad should do more. If your mom wants to stay married to a lazy bum that's her decisions but you shouldn't have to pay for it by acting like a Cinderella without a prince charming to come rescue her.

Learn to drive. Otherwise you are going to be stuck at home and dependent on your parents forever unless you move to a city with good public transportation like New York.