More questions for AS men...

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If you had a girlfriend, would you feel that taking another woman out during working hours for coffee was ok knowing that she had feelings for you? Would you flirt with another woman?
How would you react if a woman declared her love for you if you had feelings for her and if you didn't?

Thanks so much!

I wouldn't take any women out for coffee, that isn't me.

But if I was liek that I wouldn't do it because it would be raising the womens hopes when there is no chance of a relationship
I still don't see the difference between flirting and being friendly.

My reaction to decleared lobe would depend upon my feelings for her, I would probably say there is far to much crap in my life right now for me to be a decent boyfriend, to much emotional baggage.

Can't say I'm speaking from experience since I've never had a girlfriend or had a girl say she loved me, but I'd have to decline going with the second girl in both situations. For me, meeting one girl would be a miracle and I believe you're not supposed to "f" with miracles.

I would likely have coffee with a person. Gender would not matter.

I don't flirt. Most Aspies don't engage in that particular social behavior. In fact, I rarely have been able to tell when someone was flirting with me.

Declaring my feelings is almost impossible in some situations. They are never clear. For example, I love my wife but, like any relationship, we get on each others nerves. But for me, I can't separate the two feelings, they are both present. Sometimes a feeling will get strong enough to drown out the others. But mostly they exist in a soup of emotions.

If he had no feelings for you, I suspect you would be thoroughly ignored or even be treated rudely or with open hostility. If you keep moving into an autistics personal space, they can become increasingly agitated. This is not just their physical space but emotional as well. If you are moving into this space and he isn't actively pushing you away, then I would guess there is something there. The problem is that even if he has feelings, they will almost never be expressed in typical ways.

You mentioned that you are not sure that he has Asperger's. It would be very helpful to know for sure. Any way you could make some progress on that front?

I'm guessing that these questions must hit close to home for you.
Here are my responses...

Probably not. But that situation is so foreign to my experience, I can't give you a reliable answer. I'm assuming that most people would call this questionable behavior.

If I already had a girlfriend? No. But in all seriousness, I don't really know how to flirt very well. If I were ever in a situation where I actually had the attention of a woman, I certainly wouldn't have the wherewithal to make romantic advances on her.

I would be unsettled by both in different ways. If I had feelings for her, in addition to some sense of love or excitement, it would make me nervous and self conscious and butterflies-in-the-stomach. If I didn't have feelings for her, it would just make me anxious and confused. [/quote]

I hope you find the answers you are looking for.

I've pm'd you.

Last edited by Luella on 28 May 2011, 12:08 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Quite.

NO. That's a boundary that must not be crossed. In fact, if there is a woman who has made it clear that she likes me that way, I deliberately but politely avoid interaction at all, when my wife isn't with me. There is a situation going on like that right now, and it's a 19-ish girl who works for a company with whom we do a lot of business. She runs the front desk, and she stares at me from the minute I go in there, and she has copied things I do, and asks questions about my tattoo & piercings, and does just about everything she can, so make it known that she's in line if I get available (and of course I'm not ever going to be available, since my marriage gets stronger and better every minute of every day; God bless). If I were to go there and accept an invitation to go for coffee, I might as well slap my wife in the face, since it would feel the same to her and to me, as if I did so.

Charles

no. there is ample coffee in the tea rooms of the places i program for, and when i have to go to the places where i program stuff for (to do "on site" installations and testing etc), i have no time to do anything else except for what i am there to do. i am always in a reasonably impatient hurry to get back home (unless i am absorbed in some technical issue that i am having fun playing with(and then i forget i am not at home for a while)).

i can not see the sense of drinking coffee anywhere else than where it is concomitant with my chores.




it is not possible for me to both "have", and "have not" any "feelings" for someone.
putting aside the meaning of the word "feelings", it is impossible to both "have" and "not have" anything.

but now i am wondering about the true definition of the word "have". do i "have" feelings? or are they something i witness like clouds in the sky that are beyond my possession? "have" implies "ownership", but witnessing something does not mean i "own it" (as i thought when i was a young child).

my feelings are simple and i can not feel anything as intricate as infatuation etc.
whatever....i would say "no"

You know what's kind of funny? The first time I read this question, I thought the focus was on the "during working hours" part, so I was thinking about having to make sure that I was allowed to leave work so I wouldn't be breaking the rules!

But then I realized that your focus is probably on the "if you had a girlfriend" part, as in whether taking another woman out for coffee would be a violation of the existing relationship with the girlfriend.

Unfortunately, it seems that the answer is really complicated, mostly because people can mean different things by "girlfriend." Can a girl that you enjoy spending time with because of a shared interest be a girlfriend? Maybe someone you watch a movie with, play video games with, go shopping with, or share a meal with? If that's the kind of relationship you're talking about, then there doesn't seem to be a problem with starting a relationship with another woman.

On the other end of the spectrum, a girlfriend could be someone you are seriously considering spending the rest of your life with-- just short of being engaged. There's an exclusivity to that kind of relationship that would be seriously harmed if you started pursuing another woman.

Still, even if you are married, I don't think that sharing a cup of coffee with a female coworker is wrong. It would be wrong to flirt with her or to start fantasizing about pursuing her, though. (Edited to add: And it would quite likely be a good idea to avoid such situations simply because the temptation will be there. It's dangerous to think "I won't be tempted.")

Maybe you are talking about a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship that is somewhere in the middle of the two extremes. I think people call this "defining the relationship," and it's something that neurotypicals find tricky, so I'm sure it's also hard for those of us with Asperger's.

Okay; maybe none of that was helpful-- to be honest, I've never had a girlfriend myself, so I may not be the best person to ask. Still, that's my answer.

Same here.


We have free coffee there. But, aside from this, I think it would be a very rare occasion, I don't remember if I ever had one. I suppose I would feel disturbed by my conscience, if I did.

Probably I'm not able to flirt with women, at least not in the regular way. I guess I've seen girls trying to flirt with me, but I just can't feel sure about them, and I don't know what should I do with them.

I don't know, it hasn't happened yet. We declared our love when we were deep in it, up to our necks. That's different. If I felt attracted to her before she declared her love for me I would probably look away, feel the flush on my face, and murmur some stupid words... If I didn't, I don't know, quite unlikely...

I wouldn't have a girlfriend, and I probably wouldn't take anyone out for coffee. If they invited me, I might go, regardless of gender. However, if I knew that the person had feelings for me which I did not return, I would probably politely decline in order to avoid feeling awkward and uncomfortable. I wouldn't flirt with anyone intentionally, as I don't really get flirting.

Asking whether an aspie would flirt with a woman even if we had a girlfriend is a redundant question - Most aspies don't flirt, period.

I probably wouldn't know she had feelings for me. It would be more about the coffee than the woman most likely.



No.




Probably shocked.



You're welcome.

No. I wouldn't take another women out for coffee whether she had feelings for me or not.

Sometimes I bring my son down to play at his friends house (his friend is also on the spectrum). I won't go in the house unless the male of the house is home. It gives the wrong appearance.

I am kind of old fashion that way.

No, I wouldn't feel okay taking another woman out to lunch if I were already married. Unless we were talking strictly about business and business only.