I have no idea what I'm doing anymore

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I don't know why I keep getting up in the morning. Really. I get up out of bed, I take my medication, then I do nothing. I sit on the back porch sometimes, I play video games and that's about it. My entire day is dedicated to avoid thinking about this - this emptiness that I feel. No school. No responses to the resumes I sent out. I'm scared to learn on my AS friends who I talk to online, because they don't really know me... yet at the same time I can't rely on my family either.

They are all NTs. They try their hardest to understand me, but they never really will.

I only learned that I have Asperger's Syndrome a year ago. At first, it didn't mean anything to me, I'd been diagnosed with ADHD before, then ODD. None of those affected me either. I didn't care. It was just more medication to take, just more shrinks to see, psychiatrists that I will never actually tell the truth to. But then I read a book about AS, and I realized that I did have it. I've always known that there was something wrong with me. It's the same story over and over... but reading about AS makes me sad.

I read that people with Autism may struggle to hold down a job. That they may never get married, never procreate. Then what are they doing? Are they going to be remembered at all? All of this was stuff I wanted, once upon a time, when I thought I was just "weird" and not some kind of deformed creature... a product of bad genes and a lack of a mother's love. That's the biggest thing. I feel... deformed. When I read that AS book, I cried so hard. I kept thinking "I'm only 17" but that's not a proper excuse, it's unforgivable - self pity never got anyone anywhere.

Reading this, I feel really stupid. I know that I am really hard on myself. But I get this feeling sometimes like I don't have the right to complain because all of this was my fault. My mother was never supposed to have children. She never loved me the way I needed her to - it was always about her. But I start to wonder if it was my fault she did not love me... because there is something "wrong" with me. I start to think that maybe if I hadn't allowed myself to be manipulated, if I had been stronger, I wouldn't have fallen in love with a guy who hurt me so deeply. I start to wonder - if I had stood up to my bad friends, grown a backbone, would I have gained new ones? If I had tried to conform, would the other kids have liked me? Then I realize that thinking like that is stupid, because I can't go back and change the past.

I hate this feeling of fragility - like my entire life is a scam. Like I'm mooching off my father's hard work. Like I'm a burden for other people to carry. Like I've got a deep sea of emotion boiling over in my chest, and the smallest touch will make it pour out of every one of the little painful holes that people have punched in me. I don't like the fact that I'm seventeen years old and don't have a life, that I don't have friends, that I don't have a job, that I don't have any dreams. I don't know what I want out of life. I'm afraid there might not be anything for me.

And I apologize if this doesn't make any sense. My minds feels like it's going around in circles right now.

I feel your pain.

I also wake up everyday and not knowing what to do. I sent out resumes, but get no replies. I hide behind my laptop and ipod because I don't know what else to do. I can't go out and enjoy myself because I have to money because I have no job. Its not worth getting up in the morning because there is nothing for me to look forward to.

If it makes you feel any better I feel about the same way. I'll be graduating from high school next week and outside of high school I don't have anything to do except go on my computer and play video games. I've always been successful in school and I'm good at electronics, but I'm not looking forward to college or the future. The only reason I wake up in the morning is because I'm not tired anymore. I don't have any close friends and I don't usually talk to anyone. I got close to hanging myself a few weeks ago. I had the noose tied to the ceiling and I was standing on top of a chair with my head through it, but I couldn't do it. I feel like a part of me has died now that I'm graduating from high school. Most of the positive things that have happened to me over the past four years have happened at school. I have even less of a life now than I had before and I'm going to have to make new aquaintances. If college doesn't work out for me I think I'm going to commit suicide. If all I had was my life at home playing video games and spending time on my computer I would have already committed suicide. I only stay alive because I don't want to die. You can PM me if you want. I'm always happy to have someone to talk to.

Thanks everyone for your words... I will definitely think about what has been said.

I mean, I'm not going to just blink out of existence, I have to do something.

Hey, Merit. I'm sorry for all of your pain and struggles. Believe me, I understand the flow of the day that you are talking about. It can be confusing to feel life so strongly and yet have so much disconnect with others. To feel alone while not being alone can send one into repetitive thoughts and repetitive analyses.

I appreciate the comments made here by others. They say that you matter and that your state of being matters, even if you are struggling to cope minute by minute. I am 49 years old and have had to breath through many days, and have had my broken relationships and the people I have affected positively, including my two sons. Sometimes, I think, we can affects others in positive ways that NT people can't precisely because of our analytical and observant natures. The breakdowns, of course, are painful, but I never doubt my worth to others even if the terms of the relationship are complex.

Hang in there. I know that to be a teenager coping with these issues can be an extra dose of misery. But you express yourself so clearly and there is hope in that. Others can only hope to be so clear.

Sorry about that, I probably didn't make you feel much better. Anyways I feel your pain. I can't help you to be successful in life because I don't know what I'm doing myself, but watching a comedy usually cheers me up when I'm feeling empty. I also feel a lot better today after going to church even though I wouldn't consider myself to be a very good Christian and I'm sometimes kind of agnostic or I feel like there is some kind of spiritual force that isn't connected with any religion. It usually eliminates a lot of my negative emotion. When I experience a major change or disappointment I can sometimes feel empty inside for a long time, but I eventually remember that I still have things to live for. Even if I never end up having a successful job or getting married I still have things to look forward to.