They're gonna hate me

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I'm an Episcopalian (which is a type of Christian) (it's on wikipedia). I recently got back in touch with a whole bunch of people whom I'd missed terribly for almost fifteen years. Back then, I wasn't a Christian. I was Pagan. They're all still Pagan and Atheist. When I converted to Christianity seven years ago, I lost Atheist and Pagan friends who couldn't handle it. I don't preach or try to convert anyone or say who is and isn't going to heaven or hell. I don't do that crap. But, I was still thrown away like I meant nothing. Two people involved with my wedding, my first maid-of-honor and my photographer, were brutal about it. Thankfully, I replaced the photographer with a local professional and the maid-of-honor with a woman who became my best friend. But it still hurt very much.

I'm very afraid of being rejected now. I know that if they are my actual friends and if they're worth being in my life that they'll accept me for who I am now. When I converted from Catholicism to Episcopalian, my best friend (the replacement MOH who is more Catholic than the Pope) continued to love me. But knowing what to think and feel as an adult does not change my anxiety and how I really feel about this.

Any insights, advice, or experience? Anything to help me calm my nerves?

Unfortunately, you may have to prepare yourself for the hurt. Some folks that I thought were my friends when I announced my engagement to an Asian woman, immediately turned against me for not marrying within my own race ("white"). Sporadically since then, they have asked how my war bride is doing and how often I eat fish heads.

One former friend received a broken nose and a black eye as an answer.

Now I don't even bother with those eejits. They live on the east coast, and I live on the west.

... and never the twain shall meet.

I'm sorry you've gone through that Fnord. Even more, I'm sorry your wife had to endure that. I'm glad you're no longer subject to those people. They sound hateful. I'm thankful that my experience isn't as serious a thing as racism. I can understand giving into a violent reaction in the face of that kind of hate.

Friends aren't worth it, especially if they're NT. NTs LOVE to turn on people for the silliest things. The only reason I'd keep a woman around, for example, is for sex. That's sort of a necessary biological drive. But other than that, she can get her romantic love somewhere else. (In fact, my OKCupid profile says that I prefer polyamorous women who already have husbands, so that she's getting the romantic component already and all I have to do is have sex with her.) As for platonic friends, so totally NOT worth it. They WILL turn on you, and it WILL be for the silliest things. They can't handle a change of religion, or the race or religion of a new romantic interest. I'd rather be lonely than have what passes in the NT world for friends. A NT can be your best bud one second and your worst enemy the next. And they say WE are the weird ones?

I don't think someone who behaves like that is really neuro-typical, pezar. They aren't autistic, but there's certainly something going on that interferes with the way they process information and make decisions. That said, I'd feel very wronged and objectified by a man or woman who only wanted me for sex. Of course, you're very up front about that so I guess a woman would know what she's getting into with you.

Some pagans and atheists can be pretty hateful. Especially atheists, many of them are mad at God so want to get back at him by not believing in him. (Although I don't see why God would care.) That root hate tends to color all their interactions. Pagans can be stuck up. Many of them are no different from the different flavors of say Muslims who insist that "MY version of jihad is the right one, and I will kill you because you believe in a different version". The Pagan myths are the "right" myths, while Christian or Muslim myths are "wrong" myths.

Friends with benefits isn't for everybody, and I think that men are much more suited to it than women, which is why m4w Craigslist casual encounters has 800 entries while w4m has about 20. Women tend to feel that being wanted just for sex is being used. Then again, I'm not targeting monogamous Christian women, so I'd expect you to say that. I wouldn't date a woman who was cheating on her husband, defined as him not knowing that she's having sex with other men.

So this went down when you were 19? Hopefully most of them will have matured in the intervening years and developed new ways of looking at the world. I know i was very highly strung at that age, id get worked up about things, like the labels we adopt for ourselvers and most of it seems completely insignificant now. Its not who we really are.

So, they wont be quite the people you remember. But its possible that the good qualities you remember, like the core personality, that you founded friendships on - in that respect they might not have changed at all.

In fact it might be great!

E2A: this might not apply, but picking up friendships post diagnosis opens up a lot of issues, on the one hand you will have learned how to manage your time, social energy etc. on the other, you might have been projecting a different sort of persona in trying to fit in with the crowd iyswim so they may remember you as a different person.

I was a complete idiot when I was 19. I wouldn't stand myself today. I have no idea how those women tolerated me then. If they were Christian, I'd nominate them for Sainthood just for that. That being said, you're probably very right. They're smart people and they know the difference between evangelical bigots who systematically and directly oppress them and their friends and me... who is very much their friend both systematically and directly.

I'm not too worried about Autism being a factor at all. I have mentioned it and it's received very casual acknowledgment. This is a good thing. I like the "no big deal" response.

Thank you very much! Also, thank you to pezar and Fnord. All three of you have helped.

Last edited by wefunction on 04 Jun 2011, 10:39 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Yeesh. Religion. I am agnostic, former Catholic from way back and when I married my atheist husband and came clean about being agnostic I lost a bunch of people too (kinda the reverse of what happened to you). Truth is, real friends won't care what your religion is and there ain't a damn thing you can do about people who are going to let it get in the way. I recently re-connected with one friend who did this to me back then, and she's quite devoutly Christian and I'm agnostic, and now (in our 40s) she is content to let the differences go and just enjoy our friendship. It took her 25 years, though! First she tried to convert me about 10 years ago and that didn't work, and then she contacted me about 6 months ago again with an apology and said "let's just put the past behind us". So far that's been working.

I don't get why some atheists/agnostics and Pagans can't see the difference between evangelicals who aggressively try to convert people and are obnoxious to anyone who disagrees and Christians who are capable of agreeing to disagree.

~Kate

wefunction I can perfectly understand about friends and family's lack of tolerance and respect from ones own current spiritual path.
When I was 19 I was questioned my faith in the Mormon faith after some called friends backstabbing me, one such ex friend say something very offensive comment about my faith to my face I ended up that same day trying to take my own life by taking an overdose! Now even my own family show me intolerance due to my lack on faith in the Mormon ways.

Truth friends will respect whatever spiritual path you walk down

I'm glad you got a good friendship back once she realized that people are people. I wouldn't proselytize if I was held at gunpoint. But I think if people are truly wanting to convert others, they're going about it the wrong way by talking at them. I think people who keep their mouths shut and just live the best Christian life they can live do a lot more to convert non-Christians than the bible-thumpers who tell you you're going to hell for [insert fun and harmless activity here]. This is why non-Christian people can be very attractive. They don't preach at people and they concentrate on living a good, healthy life. Often, it's the same life Christians are supposed to live as taught in the Gospel, without the worshiping God part.

I let a lot of general christian bashing go because I know the evangelicals create a big problem. I try not to be the privileged one in the room who always has to raise her hand and point out that she's the sole exception to whatever generalization is being said. But... yeah... I was shunned and it wasn't right. But this group from fifteen years ago is different than the jerks from seven years ago. But I'm not a druid anymore. I'm just nervous is all. Worst case scenario: they hate me. Best case scenario: they don't care. Thanks, Kate.

I'm very sorry you went through that. That hurt to read, I can't imagine how you felt living it. I'm grateful that you survived that suicide attempt. The Mormon Church can be very difficult when its members begin to question. I know the church, as a whole, would do a great deal more good to handle such delicate situations with kid gloves and compassion. They'd keep more sheep in the flock with kindness than fear. LDS isn't the only church to make this mistake, unfortunately. It's pretty widespread and it leaves a lot of people feeling alone, when God's love is designed for community... the exact opposite of feeling isolated and alone.

If you don't mind me asking, are you spiritually at peace now?

I am sorry for saying this, but those folks were not your friends. Not for real. They were only your friends because you were part if their "group". True friendship is not like that. I am agnostic and I have friends from different religions and I do not care a out there believes. I respect there choice and they respect mine and we are still friends. Those folks sound like people you better stay away from.

Theres times I still get upset and angry about the event, I just take it a day at a time. Tho to been honest I had another suicide attempt last year (June 2010) due to harassment I been getting were I live now. The first attempt about 13 years now (June 1998) I been trying to rebuild my life from the ground up & still working it on. From my time a leader in that church I know too well the tricks that they do hid the skeletons in the closet. From years my family denied what when on to that started my first attempt cos It happened in a Mormon temple. My own mother told me to keep quite about it & had the cheek to share with me stories of rape and sexual assaults that happened in Mormon temples in the past

Over the last four years I been more at peace spiritually since I started walking down path of holistic health

I became atheist gradually, back in the years, I was a Muslim Shiite (my religion of birth).

Now I am atheist, anti-Baath interference and pro-disarming Hezbollah, I am considered a traitor and apostate by many in my native community because of my non-typically-Shiite political views despite that I keep my atheism secret from them, only my parents, my siblings and few close colleagues know about my state of non-belief.

Luckily, I didn't have much friends to lose anyways.