I was thrown in jail for spilling Kool-Aid

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The story of how I wound up in jail seems weird to me. I will tell it as best I can, and please forgive me for its length.

First, you need to know that I was actually married to a man from Texas, but he continued to reside in Texas while we applied for immigration. So I was married yet unpartnered for a long time, and there was even some question as to whether they would allow him to gain Canadian residency due to the fact I lost my job in the middle of the process, and one needs to be employed in order to sponsor anyone, even one's spouse.

I hid my unemployment, and they granted him Canadian residency on December 16, and he moved here to finally live with me. But shortly after, his mother called and informed him that she had cancer, that it was far advanced, and that she was given only a few months to live. The news hit him very hard, and his mental state became disturbed. He would say something ridiculous, then he would say the opposite, and afterwards not even remember having said any of it, or recollect it vaguely as if he was in a dream. For example, he'd tell me that groceries were too expensive and that he had therefore decided that we would no longer eat at all, and not allow me to buy any groceries; but at the end of the day he'd become upset with me for not having cooked any dinner, and deny ever having forbidden me to buy any food; and the next day, he'd have no memory of any of this.

So, one of the things he was talking nonsense about was going to visit his dying mother. One time he'd say he was going back to live with her until she passed away, alone. Another time he'd insist that I was going with him. Sometimes he'd insist that I find a kennel for the dog, and other times he'd insist that I get her paperwork to cross the border because she was coming with us. He insisted we were driving, flying, taking the train, and taking the bus. Every day or every few hours he'd be insisting on a totally different plan. This was extremely chaotic and upsetting to me, and he didn't even know what he was talking about.

Finally, and out of the blue, his sister bought a one-way plane ticket to Texas for him. It was an e-ticket and it was in his email, which he'd left open on the computer so I couldn't help seeing it. He had been promising me that I would definitely come with him, and I'd been very afraid of being without him, especially for a long time. Now it appeared that he was not only going without me, but he was also going either forever or for an indefinite period of time. With this disclosure, I snapped emotionally and became more than upset.

I walked over to where he was sitting in the kitchen drinking coffee, and I had in my hand a half cup of Kool-Aid that I happened to be drinking. I simply poured this drink over his left shoulder, without saying anything, in a fit of anger. He immediately turned and flung his coffee at me. Then he suddenly got up, and grabbed my throat with both hands, pushed me back against the wall, and began to choke me. After a few seconds of choking me, he suddenly released me and went into the bedroom and began to pack. He was acting wild, packing ridiculous things, calling me a filthy Jew, and seemed to have entirely lost his mind. Not that he even had anywhere to go at the time, since the only car is in my name, he had no money for a hotel or cab, no credit cards, no friends in the area who he could stay with, and his flight was not for a week. So I was upset not only that he had choked me, but more so that he had nowhere to go and would endanger himself, and that he wasn't even in his right mind.

I didn't know what to do and I was severely shaken, so I dialed 310-COPE which is the crisis hotline here. I told them what happened, but they would only advise me to call the police, as they saw him choking me as a sign of domestic violence. I was much more worried about him being out of his mind and acting randomly and endangering himself, than worried for my own safety. I called the police anyway, thinking that perhaps they could either talk him down off his craziness or take him to a mental facility for assistance. He wouldn't listen to anything I said, so I didn't know what other options I had.

The police arrived very quickly and immediately took us to separate rooms to question both of us. They were uninterested in my telling them about his mental state, and were only interested in collecting evidence of domestic assault. They wrote down my account of events, and checked my neck for bruises (there were none). In a separate room, they did the same thing with him, noting that "the subject appeared to be visibly upset", which was an extreme understatement, and also noting that I appeared to be calm and collected. I always act calm and collected during emergencies, which does not mean I'm not upset, I simply have good self-control. They also took numerous photos of the premises, the spilled Kool-Aid and coffee, and especially a ceramic pot that the dog had broken earlier and which was lying in pieces on the floor. We told them the dog had broken it while trying to lick up the stew inside it, but they didn't listen.

Then they handcuffed both of us, and took us to jail in separate cars. I did not see my husband from that point on. They explained to me that I was being charged with Domestic Assault, that pouring juice on his shoulder constituted Assault, and that I had admitted to doing it. It turned out that he had told them a vastly different story about what happened, denied ever choking me, and claimed that I had attacked him by punching and kicking him, all of which was untrue. In fact, the only point on which our stories matched was that the dog had broken the pot, and that I had poured Kool-Aid on his shoulder. But I didn't know any of this at the time, since they interviewed him separately and did not tell me what he'd said. All they would tell me is that I was considered the "Primary Aggressor" since I admitted to pouring Kool-Aid on him first. And that they were letting him go.

So there I was in jail, charged with Assault, while my demented husband was sent home by himself. He later told me he had begged the police to take him to a mental health facility, because he felt like he'd lost his mind, but they refused. He also told me he told them that I had mental health problems, and that they needed to take me to a mental health facility rather than putting me in jail. He realized that someone like me would be unable to cope with jail, and would do better in a hospital. But they refused this also, because I was behaving in a very calm and collected manner and they saw no mental health issues at the time.

They put me in a small bare cell by myself, and needless to say I had no magazine or paper and pencil or anything else to do. If they'd only given me something to focus on I could have avoided a meltdown. After about a half hour or so of maintaining my calm demeanour, I succumbed to my emotions by having a full-blown meltdown in the cell. This consisted of me repeatedly hitting myself as hard as possible in the face, and scratching my face as well. A voice came over the intercom informing me that I was on video surveillance, and that I was ordered to stop hitting myself. Of course that did nothing to stop my meltdown. Shortly, an officer came over to my cell and informed me that I was to stop hitting myself, or they would have to take me to the hospital, as if they were uttering a threat.

Well, the hospital sounded a good deal better than the jail to me! I felt encouraged to increase my efforts, and began hitting myself with so much vigour that I gave myself a black eye and a split lip, which ordinarily I would not have done in a meltdown. True to their word, they did take me to the hospital, to the very same mental ward where two years earlier I had gone after the nervous breakdown caused by job bullying. I already knew the doctors and nurses, the layout and the routines, so I felt more comfortable there than in jail, which ended my meltdown and I became calm once more.

However, this time I was considered a criminal and therefore handcuffed to my bed 24/7, with two police officers posted outside my door at all times. Despite this drawback, I was in a room instead of a cell, I had a window to look outside, I had a bed instead of a steel bench, I was allowed magazines and TV, and sometimes one of the cleaners or one of the other crazy people would talk to me, all of which I found comforting. I only had one other small meltdown while handcuffed to the bed, which consisted of me crying loudly; I don't normally ever cry, but if I do it comes out sounding like a wolf howling or the wailing of a banshee, which I cannot help. This vocalization alarmed the nurses, and they rushed to me and began to shove medications down my throat meant to calm me down. They kept saying, "Are your thoughts bothering you?" as if they thought I was psychotic, and it apparently never occurred to them that I could reasonably be upset because of the events that put me there.

Anyway, I was there handcuffed to a bed from Feb. 15 to Feb. 18, when they took me to the courthouse for my bail hearing. During my bail hearing they read out loud the testimony given by my husband, which was the first time I'd heard what he had told the police. His story was very strange and largely made no sense, but I found out he claimed I had attacked him by punching and kicking him. So bail was set at $2000, and I was given the choice to either go live with my parents or go live in a homeless shelter, since aggressors in a Domestic Assault are not allowed to return home or go within 500 meters of their partner's residence. My mother showed up to pay the bail, and took me home with her then and there. The bail conditions stated I was to be in her residence each and every night, and to have no communication with my husband. This was to last until my trial on March 28.

Meanwhile, my husband was to fly to Texas in a few days, and now he had no one to take care of our dog and two cats. He had also purchased a return ticket for March 31, which reassured me as to his intentions of returning, even though he'd be gone several weeks. I only found this out because, regardless of my bail conditions, I felt bound and determined to communicate with him, come what may. I messaged him online, we both created new yahoo accounts, and were able to IM each other in secret from then on. The shock of my being in jail and it being his fault had stunned him back into reality, and he was being much more rational, though he was still extremely upset by both that and by his mother dying. He also had no memory of his choking me and no memory of what he had testified to the police, and was very surprised and sorry when informed he had testified that I'd beaten him up and kicked him, agreeing that had never happened.

I devised a complicated plan in which I would drive up to be with him in secret every morning, and return to my mother's house every evening saying I had been somewhere else. I also pledged to continue doing so, coming to take care of the dog and cats every day and only returning to my mother's to sleep, as per my bail conditions. All of this required me to hide my car some distance away, and walk from there to the houses, so no one would guess my whereabouts by looking for my car. This was of course in February and March, in Canada, so I often came home cold and frozen or wet from having to walk in winter storms, but lied that I had to walk from a distant bus stop.

Meanwhile, not knowing I was in constant secret communication with my husband, my mother began to lie to me about a lot of things, trying to upset me. She told me things like he was never coming back, that he had given our animals away to the pound, and other things of that nature. She didn't realize I knew they were lies, and I was forced to play along as if I were ignorant. But the longer I had to stay with her, the more intensely I hated her and felt the need to get out. She had always been abusive in this way, and it was nothing new to me, and everyone was aware of what she was doing but refused to confront her on my behalf, though they secretly despise her.

At the same time, my husband made it down to Texas, only to find his mother had had a stroke at the exact time he arrived there. He was only able to speak with her once and hold her hand, before she died the very next morning. Because he had arranged to meet the rest of his family there over the following few weeks, he chose not to return home early, even though his mother had already passed away and he should only have stayed for the funeral. But his children and grandchildren were all going to arrive throughout the month of March, so he was bound to stay for the entire duration to see them.

As he discussed my "assault" charges, everyone he spoke to about it was astonished that I had been arrested for such a thing as pouring Kool-Aid on his shoulder. Everyone informed him it must be some sort of mistake. He began phoning every agency and court official in Ontario to tell them to drop my charges, that he did not consider himself to have been assaulted by Kool-Aid, and that he did not remember having given any testimony in which I punched or kicked him, and that this had never happened. After multiple phone calls, some kind concerned individual gave him the phone number of the Crown Attorney who was to prosecute me on March 28. He spoke with the Crown Attorney directly, and the C.A. was reading my case file while speaking with him, and luckily he could see that my husband's testimony was so garbled and nonsensical that it could not be believed, especially when my husband explained he'd had a nervous breakdown and could not remember any of it himself and denied it.

The C.A. told him that the assault charge rested only on my having poured Kool-Aid on his shoulder, and that the Court was not in the business of criminalizing such trivial charges, and that it was not in the public interest for me to have a criminal record or go to trial over such a thing especially when I had no previous record. He did not intend to prosecute this case, and he dropped it there and then while on the phone with my husband. My husband called me right away with the good news, and we were of course delighted. However, my lawyer informed me that despite the charges having been dropped, I was to still adhere to my bail conditions until the actual court date of March 28, when it would be formally discharged.

But by this time I was good and sick of my mother's behaviour, which had steadily gotten more abusive the entire time I was there. So I told her that I considered the matter resolved and that I was going back home no matter what they said, and that she could call the police and try to break down the door of my house to catch me if they wanted, and that I didn't care if she lost her $2000 bail and they took me back to jail, and that everyone could go f*uck themselves. I got in my car and drove back home, and there I stayed for the next few weeks, with all the doors and windows locked so they'd have to break in if they wanted me, the curtains permanently closed and never answering the phone except if it was my husband phoning from Texas. I was never sure if my mother would be more motivated by not losing her $2000, or more motivated by seeing me go back to jail (she enjoys it if I'm miserable).

Doing some research after it was all over with, we found out that there is something called a "zero-tolerance" policy for domestic assault. This means police are obliged to lay charges at every domestic call, even when there is no evidence and no basis to do so. Not only that, but they are obliged to charge every party involved, both the aggressor and the victim. They receive kickbacks from the government for every domestic charge laid, and their performance review is based on how many people were charged. Both me and my husband would have been in jail, except they decided to release him because they felt pity about him needing to visit his dying mother. They knew perfectly well that my Kool-Aid "assault" charge would be thrown out in court, and they knew it was nonsense. But they cannot be charged with wrongful arrest (this is only true in domestic assault cases), because they must arrest all parties at all such calls, and this is mandated by the government.

A bit later I also found out that people were frequently using this strange policy to oust their estranged spouses from their home, without having to go through an expensive divorce trial. All one has to do is call that your estranged spouse assaulted you (perhaps by pouring Kool-Aid on your shoulder), and he will be thrown in jail with no questions asked and no evidence, and will be unable to return home for weeks or months until a trial, by which time the complaining spouse will have sold everything off, cleared out their bank accounts, and moved away with the children. So even though the charges will ultimately be dropped, he has by then lost everything, and most likely has lost his job so he can no longer afford a lawyer to pursue his assets or his children. Apparently this is common knowledge to everyone except ME, and if I were aware of it I would never have called the police to begin with.

gosh. i don't know what to say...

I'm also very speechless.

Let me start off by saying that I am very, very sorry for all that had happened to you. You absolutely did not deserve to go through that.

You speak of your husband from Texas in the past tense, so I'm assuming you've divorced him. If so, good on you! He's obviously not in the right frame of mind to be married to anyone. In fact, he needs to be institutionalized in my honest opinion.

Your ordeal is also one of many examples of how the criminal justice system is corrupt. I know I'm only familiar with American laws and that this happened in Canada, but no country can claim to never have put innocent people in jail.

I highly recommend that you start a website and advocacy group to have the Canadian laws regarding domestic violence charges changed. I know it might seem futile at first, but you'd be surprised at how much of a difference you can make. Start the website, form the group and sell your story to the newspapers and news stations. Get the word out there. Your voice needs to be heard.

it's awful in a way how the law is so rigid and lacking in common sense nowadays. but on the other hand if such set codes are what's necessary to ensure protection and prosecution in real domestic abuse (etc) situations i can't help but feel that sometimes the bureaucracy is worth it. not an ideal model of law, obviously, but better than a completely ineffective alternative?

that being said the loophole it provides does sound in need of review

Fascinating story. The police are probably following the letter of the law to makes sure they are not legally negligible. It sounds like your husband really needed to get some help, but they weren't obligated to provide any. You get caught up in the legal system and freak out like aspies tend to do. You probably are lucky they didn't stick you with someone while you lost control over your emotions that could have easily resulted in more serious charges being brought. It can be a snowball effect.

This sounds like an awful situation, and I don't know what to say...I do sincerely hope that things are (or start) looking up.

My opinion on the government giving kick-backs...I feel that it is the ultimate goal of "whoever is controlling the world" to break apart the family unit. So, this doesn't surprise me as much as it should. I'm also in Canada, and I had only recently learned this about domestic situations, but I had not known that extra funding was given for arrests.

Wow, what a disgusting country Canada is. To think I wanted to move there, at one time (even if I hate my own, pathetic country, as well).

I'm very sorry for your experience. The people in charge of laws like these, and for enforcing them, should be put to death.

You should give your story to some paper, you know. Maybe it'll end up becoming a factor in making your country a bit less pathetic.

cos that isn't extreme

What is extreme? ;) Or isn't? :P

Please ignore my remark... I should've known better than to say something of that remarkable sort in a thread of such an importance.

Wow that's terrible. I don't know what to say.

I dont think the police let your husband go because they felt sorry for him, but because they were worried about how it'll look in the news if they didnt let him visit his dying mother, not to mention a possible lawsuit. they were just looking out for number one, that's all.

being cuffed for days 24/7 sounds like torture to me, as is being locked up with nothing to do but stare at the walls.

so they get rewarded for throwing people in jail even if they're innocent, and even if they're the victims.

I'm so sorry this happened to you. but always bear in mind that cops and criminals are often two sides of the same coin, and you cant trust them. think twice next time before you call them.

that's just sad that nts can do this to us

felinesaresuperior: This thread is over 3 and half years old----the OP might not still frequent WP----I just thought you'd want to know.....