Dealing with neighbor hassling me

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I currently live in a condo community which has been so for a year and a half. I love living here and tend to enjoy my condo. However, there is a particular neighbor who is two years older than I am. When he first met me, the first thing he asked me was whether or not he could come over and hang out at my condo. I had looked at him and said, "No" and walked away since there was something about this guy's tone that seemed off. I then saw him later that day and he asked me what I liked to do for fun. I immediately said that I had a school life and was pretty busy with that.

Within the last year and a half, he seems to keep trying to pursue me by walking up to ask when I was doing but it often made me uncomfortable. In the meantime, there were a series of other situations where I would be outside doing things like getting mail, bringing in my groceries, or playing with me cat that he would stop whatever he was doing to stare at me.

I had given him several hints that I was not interested in associating with him by insisting that I was a lesbian but he didn't back off and so I went inside and shut the door in his face. I would also get away from him by walking away and going inside and shutting the door to stay inside.

So long story short, I was on my phone outside when he walked out of my neighbor's front door to walk her dog since they are good friends. As I was talking, he seemed to stand still and stare at me and I finally yelled at him to leave me alone and go away. I then went inside. He then tried to approach me this afternoon when I finally delivered an ultimatum that if he didn't stop that I was going to call the police. I then tried to mention that I wasn't interested in associating with him but he started throwing a temper tantrum mentioning that I better keep walking and that I was acting like a little girl since I was always going in the house when he came around.

I then decided to write a note to him setting a boundary that I appreciate him wanting to reach out but that I like to keep to myself when I am here and that I have my own set of friends. Should I have handled the situation better?

That's kind of predatorial behavior, maybe because he picks up that you are different and thus vulnerable.

Please continue to trust your gut instincts like you have been doing.

A couple of police officers showing up at the front door usually sends a pretty serious message, but that might make it worse, of course.

Maybe you could tell the police something like this, 'He's been staring at me and hassling me. I have Asperger's Syndrome and I think he picks up on the fact that I'm different and then might be vulnerable. Someone needs to talk to him and tell him that this is not acceptable behavior.'

Now, the police might say yes and they might say no.

If you go down to the police station with a friend and he or she supports what you are saying, that changes the dynamics and increase the chances the police will take this seriously. If you go down there with an older person like a parent, Aunt, Uncle, former teacher, former boss, that person's age plays in your favor, shouldn't, but probably does, and further increases the chances in your favor.

And maybe say something like, 'I'd like someone to just talk to him as a step immediately before a restraining order.'

I think his behaviour may qualify him as being a bona-fide stalker, but he hasn't threatened you or damaged your property (yet?!) so I am not sure what legal recourse you have towards him just being creepy.

If I were in your shoes, I would go ahead and call both a rape crisis line and the police to discuss what your real options are. I would keep a very loud whistle around my neck and blow it whenever he tried to approach me. If there is a security guard for the condo, I would also tell them what my concerns were.

If all this failed, I'd get the meanest-looking guy I could find to pretend he was my brother and go over to have a "friendly" chat about not wanting any more contact from this loser.

He seems to be really close with my neighbor next door has no problem with him. I am tempted to tell her that I do not trust this guy since something about him bothers me and seems off. I don't think he's bothering me because I seem different but because he's girl crazy. I have talked to several neighbors in the past about his behavior and they said that he has been in relationships before and is rather abusive and has a bad temper and had the police called on him before.

I have also talked to someone who is on the association board and they said that this guy likes to wander around the swimming pool area and sit there and stare at people and that people have complained about him being there before.


He does not come and think to knock on my door and peak in my windows but he does it whenever he has seemed to see me outside one on one.

So far, I am going to write him a note and set a boundary up telling him nicely that I have the right to associate with whomever that I want to. I am also going to contact my homeowners association and let them know that his behavior is rather concerning and why I am staying away.

He sounds like a jerk, but my current exercise is to try and look at things from other peoples perspectives. Maybe in his mind he was just being friendly and you're behaving bizarrely. I was a little put off by the "off" thing though. Aren't we all perceived as "off" by a lot of people?

Mack, I appreciate your input here but I have heard that he is rather abusive and disrespectful to other people's personal space. In fact, I had spoken with another resident to lives upstairs and she herself admits that he had threatened her at one point and so she had to set boundaries herself.

I am normally very friendly with my neighbors and I get along with everyone who lives in my building and then another woman and her cats who lives in the same building as this guy. She basically told me that this guy has a lot of problems and that everyone is scared of him who lives in the same building and around the neighborhood.


I did attempt to have a full conversation with him last summer but he was so sketchy that I didn't feel comfortable talking to him.

You're there, I'm not, so of course you'd know better than me. Do you want me to beat him up?

lol yeah if this is within 50 miles of where i live i could help knock the last queef out of this guy

this is sposed to be the adult forum!

I'd file a report with the police if it was worrying you that much and you genuinely think he is a danger. that way if anything happens there will be more weight behind your allegation and it will be easier to do something about it

Miyah, your situation is so very similar to my own.

If like me you have exhausted the quiet and friendly approach, get a court order banning him from making any form of contact with you.

I'm sorry, I technically didn't offer and just asked if that's what was wanted but you're right, it isn't appropriate.

I had a problem with a weird guy who lived on my street. He would stare at me and giggle, and then I noticed that every time I left the house, he would follow me. I was afraid that calling the police wouldn't do any good, and being new in the neighborhood, I didn't know anyone well enough to complain to. It went on for a year, with him constantly monitoring my every move.

I finally summoned the courage to call the non-emergency police number, and told them what had been going on. They encouraged me to tell my nearest neighbor about it so that people would be aware. I also learned that this guy had been arrested before, for indecent exposure. the cop said that the next time he followed me, to call and they would pick him up. The cop at the non-emergency number also had a representative from the crime victim's hotline call me and give me pointers. The upshot was that my next door neighbor knew this guy's nephew, and she promised to tell the nephew what the crazy guy had been doing. The nephew warned this guy that he would be arrested if he followed me anymore, and it finally stopped. I hope this helps.

Yes, the guy is potentially dangerous. And I am a big proponent of trusting one's gut instincts.

I like the whistle idea. I would only add, palm the whistle. Maybe keep it on your keys and hold it in a nonobvious way. For after a couple of days around your neck, it then becomes a known entity and a static defense, and an assailant can think of a way to beat it.

And I'd also recommend ju jitsu. Straight up. Three private lessons over the course of a week, it's amazing how much a person can learn. I think a person can usually learn much more from private lessons than group lessons, and then some practicing on one's own, and then maybe some group lessons. Be realistic. If someone is considerably bigger than you, it's not everything in the world. Even if they're not bigger, one still wants to simply avoid a potentially bad situation. But just a little bit of ju jitsu, how to break a grip and/or a quick stomp on the foot and Run. It gives you the element of surprise. Again, you'd rather not have to use it but it's better to have it than not.

So the later behavior where you have already tried to set reasonable boundaries may have then feel like a pounce to him. This guy definitely has his issues. Maybe the baseline is that he aggressively pursues any female he sees living by herself. And this whole thing sounds a lot like stalking behavior.

I would be careful with your apartment door, and maybe buy some extra window locks. At the beginning, yes, when you shut the door in his face, that was clear communication and he should have gotten the message. Even as recently as a week ago, yes, that was appropriate. But, given the recent escalation, no, he may try to push himself in. I would not be by any open door around this character.