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starling
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19 Aug 2006, 6:05 am

I wonder how you all deal/ get along with your siblings? I have a problem fixing the story of our childhood (I have one older sister) and I can't seem to get the positions right (clear) as they are now. I can't let it go either.

I got a diagnose (Asperger's/ ADD) only recently. I'm almost forty years old and now I'm struggling with a puzzle which is: have I been dominated by my older sister almost all my life? She is an extravert and dominant person and she likes to get a lot of attention. She has been dominant over me and my wishes and feelings untill puberty. I exploded in puberty and wanted to get rid of all influence and power my family had over me. As a child I was almost completely closed off, in my head, not able and not daring to speak. I exploded every now and then and didn't move or do anything at all for a while. I got a label: hothead. But I wasn't. I was a typical portable child that lived inside it's head. I never learnt to negotiate about my wishes. I just exploded when things got too much.

After I we studied and got children we got closer again. She still is dominant over me, but I let her in certain occasions because I don't care who's deciding what and/ or how to do certain things (like what we are giong to do when we go on a holiday for a couple of days). I feel I can deal with het dominance today, but I very much dislike her manipulations of the truth and the stories she tells herself and others to make her life and actions look better. And also I hate it when I find parts of the things I said or did or thought in the stories she makes up in order to get the picture right the way she wants it.

When I got diagnosed, my sister was asked to come too. She thought she could have ADHD and in her report they called it possible ADHD and/ or histrionic personality disorder, but no reason to treat for she isn't unhappy or can't cope with these possible disorders. She now tells people that she has ADHD and never ever mentioned and totally ingnored the remark about the histrionic personality disorder. I can imagine she has ADHD, but I think histrionic personality disorder is an option too. However, I don't think my sister likes to look into that. Which is okay and none of my business of course. It's her life.

I need to solve this matter. I have been throwing it at her recently in a fight (about how she manipulates information to others by withholding facts and defining things fuzzy so that her information isn't a true lie, but people's interpretation and what they assume of that information is what it would have been if she lied about it and on top of that: she mixes her own stories with that of others, including mine) and I never wanted to do that because she doesn't want to hear any sort of evaluating thoughts that turn out negative about herself. So why bother. But now I've said it and I wish I had not.

I told her that I feel dominated by her all my life and that my happier times were when we didn't meet a lot. I didn't say it to hurt her (it possibly did though). I said it because it is true. She got really angry and now we don't speak and/ or meet anymore. I wouldn't care much for that in fact if it was not that I don't want my parents to suffer from it. And I don't like it for my daughter either. It's not that I hate her or never want to see her again and I'm not angry with her. I do want her of my back, whether that be actual or only in my mind.

I want to know how I can deal with her and keep myself out of her dominance in a nice way. Any experts on this here?



waterdogs
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19 Aug 2006, 11:44 am

i have 4 other brothers and sisters, two who are only halfly related to me because my mom married a second time. i get along with them most of the time, they are some good people.



Aspie1
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19 Aug 2006, 1:29 pm

I have an older sister, and my relationship with her ranged from civil (as opposed to friendly) at the best of times to bad at the worst of times. She has always been the favorite of the family, while I was the pariah, so that really drove a wedge between us. My parents made it worse by not even denying the fact that my sister was the favorite; I'll save you the emotional stress of telling you of what they said to me.



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19 Aug 2006, 1:46 pm

i know how you feel. one of my sisters was also my stepdads favorites, when my mom remarried. like this one time before school he bought her a really expensive jacket, and refused to buy any of us other kids anything, god i hated that fa***t he did s**t like that all the time



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19 Aug 2006, 1:54 pm

Your sister sounds exactly like my seven year older sister. Dominant over me, not telling the truth. We live far from eachother and don't see eachother much which is good. It's ok when we are alone, but with other family member it's a nightmare, she is very competitive, and puts me down anyway she can. We are both picky eaters, but with family she "loooves" everything, while pointing my dislike of the food (which I do not hide) out.
My solution is to visit her daughter, who is really nice and uncomplicated, they live in the same town, so I don't have to visit my sister (or her boyfriend, uuugh!).
I know I love her, but not to be around her. Sad.
I have no solution for you, it is a good thing you said your oppinion I think, but sad when it leads to not talking together.
Good luck in working it out.



Morphia
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20 Aug 2006, 4:18 am

My relationship with my next in age to me sister sounds a bit like yours and i was very like you as a child ( from what you've written) i would be very quiet and in my own head until i exploded and then everyone would be surprised or think i was over reacting when really everything had finally become to much.
The only difference is that i'm the elder. Still i've allways been easily dominated, i very easy going generally and i find it hard to stand against others with more detirmined will. This means people are allways telling me what to do 'Grrrr!!'. My sister is proably the most NT person in my entire family and we don't get on very well. I love her but she sees the world in such a totally different way from me, its sometimes very hard to talk to her.


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starling
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20 Aug 2006, 7:27 am

I should never have thrown at her that I feel dominated by her all my life and that I hate that. I got a letter from her. She merely says I'm blaming the misery of my whole life on her and that that is pathetic for a grown up. If that would be the case, she would be right. But it isn't. So it means to me that she can't look at herself in a more or less objective way. I'd better had shut my mouth and just create some more space between us.



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22 Aug 2006, 12:04 pm

My sister is only a year and a half older than I and I have similar problems with her. She likes to order people around, with me being her favorite trash bin. She always used to order me around and often got violent when I wouldn't listen. Later in life I got bigger and started fighting back, damaging the status quo in our house. What was worse was how two faced my parents were about it. On one hand, they'd criticize her for being so dicatatorial but on the other, they did things that basically helped her get away with it and later, made rules that pretty much handed my life over to her whims. This was at an age when I saw others getting more freedom while I was getting less.

The few times in my life I was able to make friends, she always got in the middle of my friendships and often was able to get my friends to turn their backs on me and my interests for her and her interests and in case with one friend, actually got him to criticize me and my interests getting him to make such comments at "don't you listen to any good music?" The only times these things didn't happen was when a friend came to the house when my sister wasn't there. What bothered me the most about it was how the rule was long established if my sister had friends over, I was not to get involved with them or disturb them in any way and was often confined to my room when she had friends over. I foolishly thought that rule would apply for her when I had friends over; boy was I wrong. The way I got over the friend stealing issue was to realize although my sister was wrong for actively trying to steal my friends and that my parents were wrong for practicing this double standard, I had also made bad choices when it came to picking friends because real friends wouldn't have turned their back on me for her.

Ironically, she later in life claimed to have been the abused one in our family, going through depression, going on medication, etc., in spite of all the things our parents did for her which included buying her an expensive sports car, raising hell with schools every time they didn't give her the grade she thought she deserved, not enforcing any rules or discipline on her, caving in to her run to her room and slam the door temper tantrums, even getting her out of high school after 2 years and getting her into college early because she didn't like high school. Our parents were very disappointed and angry with her later when she turned on them, and I just sat back and felt no sympathy when they were practically in tears over it all. My sister often abused me with their help and they wanted me to feel sorry for them? It doesn't work that way.

What I ended up doing was moving away to another city. It's less than 100 miles, but it was far enough away from all of them to finally get some peace and start living an somewhat normal life.


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danlo
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01 Sep 2006, 9:36 am

I have 6 brothers and sisters. All of the women in my family are dominant people. They like to control, and chuck sads/temper tantrums when they don't get their way. The easiest way to deal with that, is agree with them, and then just go do what you want anyway. So long as she thinks you're listening and that she is somewhat in control, you shouldn't have too many problems.
My sister and I (we live together), get into big fights over who gets to listen/watch what. She wants to play on the computer AND watch the tv at the same time, yet when I want to do the same, she won't let me. She won't let me watch TV while she is on the computer, either. In an out and out situation like that, there's no easy way to deal with it, unless you let her have her way. You just have to confront her, engage in a yelling match with her, and just be persistant in trying to get your way. In other things like cleaning up the house, I'll meet her half way. I'll do some work, and sneak quietly away while she does most of it. It usually works fairly well. When she's in the mood to clean, she'll clean. But she will get pissy if you don't make some effort to help.


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scrulie
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01 Sep 2006, 9:57 am

I'm an only child.


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Litigious
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01 Sep 2006, 10:33 am

We are two brothers. I'm the older and dominant, though my brother is both "normal" and physically much stronger. The eldest sibling normally is the dominating one. As AS isn't a disease, it's nothing strange with an elder sibling with AS dominating younger "normals".



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01 Sep 2006, 11:28 am

Well at least I only I have one sister and we don't get along that well.


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CockneyRebel
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01 Sep 2006, 2:46 pm

My sister and I are the complete opposite of each other. She's the Super NT of the family and she tends to question my Quirks. I find myself shaking my head over how she won't watch TV shows or listen to music that has been around for more than two years. She also speaks like a Valley Girl, even though she's going to be turning 29 in November. She's got her head wrapped aroung the "Here and Now", while I'm a Mod who's stuck somewhere between the the first and the last year that Routemasters and RMLs were being built, from the Mid 50s up until 1968, plain and simple. If my sister puts down anything from the 1950s or the 1960s, I have a fit! I'm not joking. :roll:



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03 Sep 2006, 7:00 am

My sisters where really horrible to me. Until they moved out. Now we get along great.



scrulie
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03 Sep 2006, 7:13 am

Xuincherguixe wrote:
My sisters where really horrible to me. Until they moved out. Now we get along great.

Like me and my parents!


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